Category Archives: Cdukulele’s love life.


I look back.

I look back on the posts that compiled all the thoughts I had of you at the beginning of our relationship.

They made me want to go back. Then I remembered that the compliments were merely paint to hide the crumbling broken parts, of you, of what you thought of me, of the fact that our relationship was a sham built on mutual loneliness… There was friendship, at one point, or an attempt at it – but it was stifled by imagination and your formulations of a future we would never have together.

Pieces were there, and you were happy trying to glue them together with kisses and compliments to make the mis-matched fit, and I was distracted by someone actually noticing me…

But compliments wear off and it got more difficult for you to keep trying, to change yourself to not be the person you were hiding, and I gave it up.

I gave it up and it crumbled and the mirrors were gone and reality set in.

And in reality you called and you cried and you revealed your true heart and the fact that you were never ready for this relationship to begin with.

That I was weak to have agreed to it.

That you were weak and wanted it to give you the strength you didn’t have.

I am not your strength, and I never could be, and I can’t go back.





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Moving On…

So, it’s Sunday, I’ve had a relaxing day – I slept in, had a mocha, enjoyed a satisfying if not particularly healthy breakfast, and I blocked my ex on social media.

Not because I hate him, I don’t hate him, but because I kept seeing his name pop up and it would stab me in the heart a little bit, and I do not need to be able to stalk my ex on the internet.

Sometimes it’s necessary to cut someone out of your life entirely so that you can both heal, grow, and move on.

I want that for us. I want us to be healthy and mature apart from each other.

And it just hurts too much right now to have him be so inaccessibly accessible in my life.

In other news, the rest of my life is going okay. There are definitely hurdles, everyone has problems…but I actually got a full night of sleep last night, and I think I might be able to do something good with my life and maybe live for others a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, and that you have the strength when you need it to make the decisions that will help you be the best version of yourself that you can be…Even if the decision seems as trite as not having access to a certain person on social media.


Love and prayers for you all, dear readers.

Happy almost All Saints Day.


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Giving you up.

I’ve spent the last month crying off and on over someone I know I should forget. Someone I know isn’t good for me. Someone I know cares more about himself than me. Who will only cause me more pain and sadness….And yet I cry over them because the idea of saying goodbye hurts. The idea of giving up hurts. Because they keep trying, and they just keep failing….

Then I wonder what’s wrong with me that I want to be with the person who breaks my heart. That I can’t handle the loneliness. That I simply want to share everything with them.

But my Mom loves me and tells me that I need to be strong, and reminds me of all the things that make him unworthy. Nobody is ever worthy, I reason…But I was making exceptions for him from the beginning…For us.

It hurts. He messaged me again yesterday, and I read the words and his attempt at reconciliation, and I spent half an hour composing a response, and a five minute walk to class erasing it, because it simply hurt. Saying anything hurt. Telling him that I had asked for space, telling him that we could never be together because he would keep doing things to hurt me and not understanding what he was doing, telling him I still cared about him as a friend, saying anything at all, would hurt.

I remained silent.


Tonight I went out with a friend to listen to a talk. It was a friend that I had a crush on at some point. A friend that I thought highly of and wished I could find someone like whenever I started dating. A friend I tried not to get a crush on, because crushes are painful. A friend that it brought me pain to spend time in the company of when I was dating my ex-, because I felt like all the friendship he and I had was missing in my romantic relationship. The innocence, the playfulness, the honesty, the selflessness…The fact that he actually cared about me as a friend, that he wasn’t using me to make himself less lonely. I looked at him and the fact that he actually cared about me, and it made my heart throb with pain about what I didn’t have.

We were driving together tonight, having awkward conversation, him annoying me with his helpful comments about what I should do with my life, me getting steadily more annoyed and making conscious efforts to not be rude to him verbally, and then we finally reached our destination and parted ways, and I thought about how it was good he was my friend, and that’s all he would ever be…Then I got kind of depressed and blasted praise and worship music in my car to try to make myself feel better…And I tried to console myself by saying that I wouldn’t die alone…

And I won’t. Because maybe I won’t be in a romantic relationship, and maybe I won’t ever find a significant other who cares about me in the ways I always dreamed someone would care about me. Maybe I won’t be swept off my feet. Maybe prince charming won’t come. Maybe I won’t get married and have a house and a family someday. …But I won’t be alone…

Because I have friends. I have people who care. People who care enough to annoy me and not worry about how it impacts my opinion of them. People who don’t care about my opinion of them, because they simply care about me. People who would prefer my own happiness to theirs, people who want to love me and want to help me learn to love…People who are actually my friends.

And as long as I’m still focusing on really loving people rather than simply making them happy, then I’ll have friends. Maybe not a lot, maybe not all the time, but when I do have friends, the few that God gives me, they’ll be of the deepest and best quality, and they’ll be the kind I can depend on, and who can depend on me.

That’s the plan anyway. Here’s to day one of my true friendship attempts.

Praise God.




Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Your voice

At some point in my life I was content without that voice. Without your words. Without your praise and love and admiration.

I was enough. It was enough.

But having had a taste of what it’s like, to be viewed in the eyes of someone who holds you so highly…Now it’s difficult to let go.

And wisdom tells me, experience has told me, love will tell me, that I need to let go.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to be without you.

It hurts and the sound of your voice over the phone is like salve on a wound, and it is salve, because it’s a message continuing “You are wanted, you are loved, you are not alone”.

And I know it. I know that.

I know that even without you I am wanted. Even without you I am loved. Without you I am still not alone.

But I feel so differently. My feelings refuse to align themselves with the knowledge in my mind.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

I miss you and it hurts.

I know I shouldn’t, I don’t want to…but I am not a robot and my heart aches with the memories of what was and the crushed hopes of things that will never be.

I still want them to be, and I still want to be able to listen to your voice.

I love and miss

you….and your voice.





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She’s not alone.

I am so tired


everything in life

is going

very amazingly.

I wrote him a poem.

He admires me.

I’m afraid to speak the words back

because I have so little trust in words,

so little trust in feelings,

because they are fickle and fail me all the time.

I choose just to try.

I choose to try to love.

I choose to show, not with words to express feelings,

but with actions and consistency.

Because I use my words to cycle through the thoughts and feelings and loneliness and desire

but now is the time for action.

So I make every act an act of love.

And I try to act as frequently as possible.

As frequently as necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary not to act.

Sometimes love is in the patience.

And other times words and feelings betray me.

Because I know they are based on fickle things, I know they will not last, and I know that they will melt away into the air like the thoughts they’re founded on.

Love is a continuous and conscious effort to do the right thing.

I am loving him.

I will love him.

It doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt him.

But I am open to doing the most, doing my best, to love him without causing unnecessary pain…To recognize when I am in the way of his love, when I am not loving at all.

Love is an action.

And I’m about to fall asleep.

So I’ll love him when I wake up, or in my dreams.

Whichever comes first.

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Oh Brother…

Being a Christian can be ridiculously difficult for a number of reasons…You’re generally frowned upon for holding beliefs that conflict with the larger society (I’m pro-life and believe sex belongs in the context of marriage) and you’re constantly being called to sainthood (which means putting others before yourself, which is self-sacrifice, and self-sacrifice is never a walk in the park…unless someone asks you to walk through a park with them because they are incredibly lonely and need someone to act like Christ in their life, in which case it might actually be a walk in the park).

That is why it is amazingly wonderful when you come across another Christian, walking on their path to God, who is totally in line with the self-sacrifice thing, and trying theirĀ  hardest to get to heaven. These people are inspiring. They want to give up things for you, pray for you, discuss the faith with you and help you on your path, let you know you are loved and supported by both God and them, and their existence in your life is pretty much evidence that God loves you.

That is why it is a problem when these wonderful people start complimenting you…On like, your appearance…and suddenly, instead of viewing them like a brother in Christ when they say “I love you”, you start to wonder if there’s something more behind their words. How much do they love you? In what way do they love you?

Of course, people falling in love with other people who share their beliefs is not an issue, but people falling in love with people who share their beliefs when the person they are falling in love with is simply loving them platonically is a problem.

The solution:
A. Ignore it and wait for the compliments to become less frequent or confusing.
B. Tell the person that calling you “beautiful”, “adorable”, and “cute” under their breath that it’s confusing.
C. Write a blog post about it.



Yes, I chose option C.




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Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.


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