Category Archives: Cdukulele’s life.

The blogging. The blogging goes here. This is where I directly tell you what just happened. Because I have to tell someone. And my diaries don’t talk back to me. Usually.

August 2017

I’m getting old. This is bad. Pretty soon all my dreams of playing ukulele and sleeping in will be crushed….

 

I’m going to be a legit instructor for an English course.

The prospect of this terrifies me.

What also terrifies me is the fact that I made awkward small talk with my neighbor four times today and now he probably thinks I’m a crazy cat lady stalker….which I totally am not (except the crazy cat lady part, I can’t negate that).

Anyway, the prospect, which is actually a certainty and not a prospect, is the reason I’m still up at this crazy hour of the day. I started attempting to lesson plan, got overwhelmed, and explored the internet.

That was also depressing.

So it’s two am and I’m still up.

I really hope that this coming semester is less terrifying than I think it will be.

Teaching 25-30 American college students English can’t be too horrible, right? …RIGHT?

 

I also hope that the outline of the future as told by the internet is less terrifying than they all think it will be. Those people are bleak.

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Drama free = …

This year has been the most drama free since this blog started.

Instead of focusing on romance, I’ve been focusing on my career and future.

It’s depressing.

But it’s also smart and mature and far better for me than probably sitting around analyzing my interactions with males and writing poems and songs about it.

I just have to figure out a way to channel all my extra creative and obsessive energy into something not focused on romance.

Because life is not all about your romantic relationships and how they have or haven’t completely failed.

It’s tough loving people by choosing to not be in their lives anymore.

Happy almost summer, see you next time I start cleaning my room and find my laptop and get distracted.

-cdukulele

 

 

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Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a¬†horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Soon it will be…Christmas break!

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS~!!!!!! Or it’s almost Christmas break, and that’s close enough, because by then I won’t have to write any more papers or plan any more lessons and instead I can just stave off my loneliness by reading 6 hours every night.

It’s a brilliant plan.
A beautiful plan.
A fantastic plan.

Anyway, in the mean time it’s school, the gym, and me trying to restart the old friendships that I kinda might’ve abandoned once I started dating because I felt awkward about having guy friends and a boyfriend.

I know, I have problems.

BUT NOW, I’m single and don’t have to worry about falling in love with my guy friends.

YUP.

Yep yep yep.

Okay…anything else of note to say? …nope.

LATER!

 

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I look back.

I look back on the posts that compiled all the thoughts I had of you at the beginning of our relationship.

They made me want to go back. Then I remembered that the compliments were merely paint to hide the crumbling broken parts, of you, of what you thought of me, of the fact that our relationship was a sham built on mutual loneliness… There was friendship, at one point, or an attempt at it – but it was stifled by imagination and your formulations of a future we would never have together.

Pieces were there, and you were happy trying to glue them together with kisses and compliments to make the mis-matched fit, and I was distracted by someone actually noticing me…

But compliments wear off and it got more difficult for you to keep trying, to change yourself to not be the person you were hiding, and I gave it up.

I gave it up and it crumbled and the mirrors were gone and reality set in.

And in reality you called and you cried and you revealed your true heart and the fact that you were never ready for this relationship to begin with.

That I was weak to have agreed to it.

That you were weak and wanted it to give you the strength you didn’t have.

I am not your strength, and I never could be, and I can’t go back.

 

 

 

 

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The little things.

I woke up this morning and my hip DIDN’T HURT LIKE A CRAZY MONSTER OF PAIN AND BROKENNESS!!!!

This made me happy. Or makes me happy…I am currently happy, but I think when I woke up I was too focused on getting out of bed without freezing to death to think to be happy about my hip.

It’s kind of aching now, but not like it was when I was composing my blog post about it (I should really stop composing posts at crazy times of night when I’m exhausted and tired and all I have to write is bitter sadness), and so it’s not broken and I’m good.

And in the future I will be more careful when doing physical therapy stretches for my arms…and not act like a foam roller ninja.

In other news, I’ve now been out of my last relationship for longer than I was in it, so just another month or two and my heart won’t ache over it at all, right? Right.

OKAY READERS! I’m off to go work on my self confidence by tutoring some people and proving that I know things and can help people.

P.S. I am looking for some good books to read, classics/non-classics/anything that actually has value and does not contain anything explicit, so PLEASE, feel free to recommend something! Or blog post about it. For reference or in case you’re looking for something to read, some of my favorite books include Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier, The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, The Forest People, by Colin Turnball, Catch-22 (Okay, see this has some stuff in it, like cursing and brothels, but the point is the war story/dark humor).

 

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Hipster

While doing arm stretches on a foam roller I slid off the roller entirely and slammed my right hip into the linoleum floor…It’s been 13 hours since then, and I’m just now noticing a dull ache.

Hopefully that’s a good sign, that I went so long without noticing the pain…Hopefully.

I feel old. So old.

There’s a benefit to having old person bones and illnesses though, right?

Chronic illnesses are totally like, cool…Hipster with the broken hip at 25, right?

I don’t want any more broken bones.

Gaaaah. If this holds up then I’m definitely going to be a community college professor in the U.S. for the rest of my life and never go to Spain…Unable to leave the country because nobody wants to give health insurance and travel visas to a chick who breaks bones so frequently.

I’m sure I’m fine.

It’s not broken.

Of course I didn’t think my hip, toes, or neck were broken last several times I broke things either.

The bones have a sneaky way of being in pain and making you think that it’s just arthritis. It’s probably just sore from the slight fall and then walking around all day. Totally.

TOTALLY.

I have way too much to do to break another hip. No puedo hacer esto.

Alright, if it’s not better in 24 hours I’ll contact doctors.

Ibuprofen in the mean time.

Peace out.

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