Category Archives: Cdukulele’s life.

The blogging. The blogging goes here. This is where I directly tell you what just happened. Because I have to tell someone. And my diaries don’t talk back to me. Usually.

Drama free = …

This year has been the most drama free since this blog started.

Instead of focusing on romance, I’ve been focusing on my career and future.

It’s depressing.

But it’s also smart and mature and far better for me than probably sitting around analyzing my interactions with males and writing poems and songs about it.

I just have to figure out a way to channel all my extra creative and obsessive energy into something not focused on romance.

Because life is not all about your romantic relationships and how they have or haven’t completely failed.

It’s tough loving people by choosing to not be in their lives anymore.

Happy almost summer, see you next time I start cleaning my room and find my laptop and get distracted.

-cdukulele

 

 

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Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a¬†horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Soon it will be…Christmas break!

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS~!!!!!! Or it’s almost Christmas break, and that’s close enough, because by then I won’t have to write any more papers or plan any more lessons and instead I can just stave off my loneliness by reading 6 hours every night.

It’s a brilliant plan.
A beautiful plan.
A fantastic plan.

Anyway, in the mean time it’s school, the gym, and me trying to restart the old friendships that I kinda might’ve abandoned once I started dating because I felt awkward about having guy friends and a boyfriend.

I know, I have problems.

BUT NOW, I’m single and don’t have to worry about falling in love with my guy friends.

YUP.

Yep yep yep.

Okay…anything else of note to say? …nope.

LATER!

 

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I look back.

I look back on the posts that compiled all the thoughts I had of you at the beginning of our relationship.

They made me want to go back. Then I remembered that the compliments were merely paint to hide the crumbling broken parts, of you, of what you thought of me, of the fact that our relationship was a sham built on mutual loneliness… There was friendship, at one point, or an attempt at it – but it was stifled by imagination and your formulations of a future we would never have together.

Pieces were there, and you were happy trying to glue them together with kisses and compliments to make the mis-matched fit, and I was distracted by someone actually noticing me…

But compliments wear off and it got more difficult for you to keep trying, to change yourself to not be the person you were hiding, and I gave it up.

I gave it up and it crumbled and the mirrors were gone and reality set in.

And in reality you called and you cried and you revealed your true heart and the fact that you were never ready for this relationship to begin with.

That I was weak to have agreed to it.

That you were weak and wanted it to give you the strength you didn’t have.

I am not your strength, and I never could be, and I can’t go back.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

The little things.

I woke up this morning and my hip DIDN’T HURT LIKE A CRAZY MONSTER OF PAIN AND BROKENNESS!!!!

This made me happy. Or makes me happy…I am currently happy, but I think when I woke up I was too focused on getting out of bed without freezing to death to think to be happy about my hip.

It’s kind of aching now, but not like it was when I was composing my blog post about it (I should really stop composing posts at crazy times of night when I’m exhausted and tired and all I have to write is bitter sadness), and so it’s not broken and I’m good.

And in the future I will be more careful when doing physical therapy stretches for my arms…and not act like a foam roller ninja.

In other news, I’ve now been out of my last relationship for longer than I was in it, so just another month or two and my heart won’t ache over it at all, right? Right.

OKAY READERS! I’m off to go work on my self confidence by tutoring some people and proving that I know things and can help people.

P.S. I am looking for some good books to read, classics/non-classics/anything that actually has value and does not contain anything explicit, so PLEASE, feel free to recommend something! Or blog post about it. For reference or in case you’re looking for something to read, some of my favorite books include Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier, The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, The Forest People, by Colin Turnball, Catch-22 (Okay, see this has some stuff in it, like cursing and brothels, but the point is the war story/dark humor).

 

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Hipster

While doing arm stretches on a foam roller I slid off the roller entirely and slammed my right hip into the linoleum floor…It’s been 13 hours since then, and I’m just now noticing a dull ache.

Hopefully that’s a good sign, that I went so long without noticing the pain…Hopefully.

I feel old. So old.

There’s a benefit to having old person bones and illnesses though, right?

Chronic illnesses are totally like, cool…Hipster with the broken hip at 25, right?

I don’t want any more broken bones.

Gaaaah. If this holds up then I’m definitely going to be a community college professor in the U.S. for the rest of my life and never go to Spain…Unable to leave the country because nobody wants to give health insurance and travel visas to a chick who breaks bones so frequently.

I’m sure I’m fine.

It’s not broken.

Of course I didn’t think my hip, toes, or neck were broken last several times I broke things either.

The bones have a sneaky way of being in pain and making you think that it’s just arthritis. It’s probably just sore from the slight fall and then walking around all day. Totally.

TOTALLY.

I have way too much to do to break another hip. No puedo hacer esto.

Alright, if it’s not better in 24 hours I’ll contact doctors.

Ibuprofen in the mean time.

Peace out.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems