My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.
My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.
I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.
He just keeps taking the bites.
I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.
And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.
It’s not healthy.
I’m not healthy.
I’m sick in the short term and the long term.
A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.
I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.
Then I pity myself.
Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?
How does my ex-love keep hurting me.
Why do I want him back in my life?
I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.
I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.
I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.
It hurts. I know it hurts.
It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.
I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.
I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.
Because I’m tired.
I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.
God bless you all, fight on!
-I got a cold.