Monthly Archives: November 2016

Soon it will be…Christmas break!

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS~!!!!!! Or it’s almost Christmas break, and that’s close enough, because by then I won’t have to write any more papers or plan any more lessons and instead I can just stave off my loneliness by reading 6 hours every night.

It’s a brilliant plan.
A beautiful plan.
A fantastic plan.

Anyway, in the mean time it’s school, the gym, and me trying to restart the old friendships that I kinda might’ve abandoned once I started dating because I felt awkward about having guy friends and a boyfriend.

I know, I have problems.

BUT NOW, I’m single and don’t have to worry about falling in love with my guy friends.

YUP.

Yep yep yep.

Okay…anything else of note to say? …nope.

LATER!

 

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Filed under Various writing

I look back.

I look back on the posts that compiled all the thoughts I had of you at the beginning of our relationship.

They made me want to go back. Then I remembered that the compliments were merely paint to hide the crumbling broken parts, of you, of what you thought of me, of the fact that our relationship was a sham built on mutual loneliness… There was friendship, at one point, or an attempt at it – but it was stifled by imagination and your formulations of a future we would never have together.

Pieces were there, and you were happy trying to glue them together with kisses and compliments to make the mis-matched fit, and I was distracted by someone actually noticing me…

But compliments wear off and it got more difficult for you to keep trying, to change yourself to not be the person you were hiding, and I gave it up.

I gave it up and it crumbled and the mirrors were gone and reality set in.

And in reality you called and you cried and you revealed your true heart and the fact that you were never ready for this relationship to begin with.

That I was weak to have agreed to it.

That you were weak and wanted it to give you the strength you didn’t have.

I am not your strength, and I never could be, and I can’t go back.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

The little things.

I woke up this morning and my hip DIDN’T HURT LIKE A CRAZY MONSTER OF PAIN AND BROKENNESS!!!!

This made me happy. Or makes me happy…I am currently happy, but I think when I woke up I was too focused on getting out of bed without freezing to death to think to be happy about my hip.

It’s kind of aching now, but not like it was when I was composing my blog post about it (I should really stop composing posts at crazy times of night when I’m exhausted and tired and all I have to write is bitter sadness), and so it’s not broken and I’m good.

And in the future I will be more careful when doing physical therapy stretches for my arms…and not act like a foam roller ninja.

In other news, I’ve now been out of my last relationship for longer than I was in it, so just another month or two and my heart won’t ache over it at all, right? Right.

OKAY READERS! I’m off to go work on my self confidence by tutoring some people and proving that I know things and can help people.

P.S. I am looking for some good books to read, classics/non-classics/anything that actually has value and does not contain anything explicit, so PLEASE, feel free to recommend something! Or blog post about it. For reference or in case you’re looking for something to read, some of my favorite books include Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier, The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver, The Forest People, by Colin Turnball, Catch-22 (Okay, see this has some stuff in it, like cursing and brothels, but the point is the war story/dark humor).

 

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Filed under Various writing

Hipster

While doing arm stretches on a foam roller I slid off the roller entirely and slammed my right hip into the linoleum floor…It’s been 13 hours since then, and I’m just now noticing a dull ache.

Hopefully that’s a good sign, that I went so long without noticing the pain…Hopefully.

I feel old. So old.

There’s a benefit to having old person bones and illnesses though, right?

Chronic illnesses are totally like, cool…Hipster with the broken hip at 25, right?

I don’t want any more broken bones.

Gaaaah. If this holds up then I’m definitely going to be a community college professor in the U.S. for the rest of my life and never go to Spain…Unable to leave the country because nobody wants to give health insurance and travel visas to a chick who breaks bones so frequently.

I’m sure I’m fine.

It’s not broken.

Of course I didn’t think my hip, toes, or neck were broken last several times I broke things either.

The bones have a sneaky way of being in pain and making you think that it’s just arthritis. It’s probably just sore from the slight fall and then walking around all day. Totally.

TOTALLY.

I have way too much to do to break another hip. No puedo hacer esto.

Alright, if it’s not better in 24 hours I’ll contact doctors.

Ibuprofen in the mean time.

Peace out.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Fear

I am afraid of my bones

betraying me

when I need them most

dragging me down

so I’m barely a ghost

unable to move

because they are rock

choking me

so I can’t see, hear, or talk.

I am afraid of my future

the world unknown,

what will happen when

I’m older but not much more grown,

when it’s time to be ready

and I’m not ready in time

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of failure,

I’m afraid of breaking,

I’m afraid of missing out by chances not taking,

I’m afraid of loneliness,

I’m afraid of greed,

I’m afraid of not having all that I’ll need.

I’m afraid of myself – not being enough,

taking the parts and not having the stuff

to make it through to be the best I can be,

I’m afraid of myself, failing me.

I am afraid

and it makes me cry, makes me huddle together, rock back and forth, sigh.

It makes me stare into space and question my plans, makes me shiver and fumble and squeeze my hands.

I am afraid

and it makes me weak. Makes me tired of listening and not willing to speak. Makes me want to give up, stop trying, not go on – makes me crumble and tumble headlong, from minute to minute, day to day, lost in the current of not being okay, insecure, unwise, alone, and unmade, fearing that no one will come to my aide, wanting someone to tell me to not be afraid.

I pause and reflect, my memories recollect, the answer I’ve heard, sung word by word…”Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me, and I will give you rest”.

 

My heart calms, I still have qualms, but they’re soothed by psalms, and with a belief that the ONE loves me… perhaps I can be free.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems

I’m sorry

Dear Ex, I’m sorry.

I went to the last place we were together today, I had to for a school related thing, and I walked past the places that we walked past, and through the doors you walked through after you kissed me on the cheek for the last time. I missed you, and I’m sorry.

I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you, and it is because you’re smart and you’re funny, and you tend to get my jokes. It’s because you’re sweet and you’re sensitive and you want to give the world to the people you love. It’s because you care, and you care deeply. It’s because you want to love.

I know that you are trying, or at least that you want to try, please know that I’m trying to…But at some point I realized that no matter how much we tried, you were still looking for someone to make you accept yourself, and I was accepting you beyond what was right, in order to not be alone.

It would have been more loving to tell you sooner that you needed to find yourself before trying to be with someone. It would have been more loving to let you have the personal space to realize your own worth, before becoming mixed up in your calculations of what it meant to be loveable. It would have been more loving to let you be my brother in Christ, rather than being the woman in your life…to let you know unconditional love, than to make you think that you were only loved on romantic conditions.

I’m sorry, because now the romance has crumbled and the friendship that could have been is shattered.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you love yourself…I’m sorry I couldn’t make you realize that you are enough just in who you are, that you don’t have to be enough for me, just for God…and I’m hoping, praying, that as you go on in life, you realize that you are loved, and loved more fully and better by someone who loves you more than I ever could or will.

I’m sorry, I love you, and I wish you the best.

I hope that I can grow too, that I can become stronger and heal from the pain, that I can build strong friendships and worry less about romance, that I will be able to look back on our memories and relationship and not dwell on the pain, and not dwell on my longing, but rather after some time to be able to look back and see how much we’ve grown…To see how much stronger, how much better, how much holier we are. To see how we’ve changed and grown closer to God, how we’ve used our gifts to build up and love the people around us. To see us happy and content even if completely apart. And to see you either become a priest or be happily married to a beautiful woman of God. Either one of those would be great.

Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping for, and in the meantime I love you and will love you from afar, as my brother in Christ, praying we both become closer to Christ, Amen.

P.s. I blocked you on facebook.

P.p.s. I have faith that God has better plans for us than each other. [Does that sound bad? If so then I’m kind of proving my point then, aren’t I? I mean, COME ON, how can I be the one for you (God is the only true ONE for all of us) if I’m offending you all the time. Case and point. LOVE YA AS A BRO, BRO!]

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing