I’ve been blogging as cdukulele for three years. Happy Anniversary.
Now, to vent about all the stresses in my life because this outlet is nice.
Firstly, I discovered 3 hours ago that I had an assignment for Grad school due twelve hours from then that involved a complicated process of getting in contact with people. My current plan is to wake up at 5 in the morning and hope I’ve gotten responses to the e-mails I sent out, and then just do my best to submit something worthy of the ten points, and not cry.
Secondly, the fact that I didn’t notice that assignment has me paranoid and questioning my grad student status, being like – “There is no one to blame but myself…” and as a result stressing about all the other assignments coming up and trying to figure out how to do them all RIGHT NOW, so that I don’t forget any of them again in the future.
Thirdly, it’s been half a month since my relationship with my second boyfriend ever ended, and I’ve been alternating between trying not to dwell on it, and dwelling on it. It didn’t help when he started texting me, and then deleted me off of facebook, and then called me. I’m trying to stand by the decision that was made to end it, but I keep questioning it. I think I’m questioning it because I liked not being alone….and he was nice…but… I wasn’t happy. And I wasn’t happy because…he wasn’t happy, and I was trying to make him happy by loving him and it just wasn’t possible. Because I couldn’t love him being in a relationship with him, where all I was doing was trying to make him happy and I sacrificed myself. Real love is about sacrifice, but sometimes that sacrifice involves letting go of someone and letting them be in other people’s hands. I needed to step back. He needs to find love outside of me, and to learn to love himself. It hurt, it hurts, and I am still on the verge of contacting him under the thought that I can at least tell him all of that…But my family tells me that’s not a good idea, and I’m trusting them.
So yea. That’s what’s up.