Monthly Archives: September 2016

Your voice

At some point in my life I was content without that voice. Without your words. Without your praise and love and admiration.

I was enough. It was enough.

But having had a taste of what it’s like, to be viewed in the eyes of someone who holds you so highly…Now it’s difficult to let go.

And wisdom tells me, experience has told me, love will tell me, that I need to let go.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to be without you.

It hurts and the sound of your voice over the phone is like salve on a wound, and it is salve, because it’s a message continuing “You are wanted, you are loved, you are not alone”.

And I know it. I know that.

I know that even without you I am wanted. Even without you I am loved. Without you I am still not alone.

But I feel so differently. My feelings refuse to align themselves with the knowledge in my mind.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

I miss you and it hurts.

I know I shouldn’t, I don’t want to…but I am not a robot and my heart aches with the memories of what was and the crushed hopes of things that will never be.

I still want them to be, and I still want to be able to listen to your voice.

I love and miss

you….and your voice.

 

 

 

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BULLET POINTS OF SUCCESS!

Nobody liked my last post and my site traffic makes tumbleweeds look like a mob, but I don’t care.

I took a nap, ate an apple, and drank 90% of a medium blended mocha, I AM PUMPED.

 

TRIUMPHS OF THE WEEK SO FAR:

  • I worked out.

This is a big deal because I am out of shape. The ten minute walk from my car to class every day leaves me pretty much breathless, but I spent 45 minutes working out people. Low impact to protect my bones, and only at half the capacity of where I was last spring, but it’s a start.

Thank you for your cheers.

  • I didn’t press snooze this morning.
    (Opposed to every other day for the last three months where hitting snooze six times was necessary.)
  • I called my ex-boyfriend and talked to him on the phone.
    Oh wait…maybe that isn’t a triumph.
  • I’m growing as a person and talking to my ex is a sign of maturity?
    That totally sounds like a triumph, right?
  • I didn’t cry after talking on the phone with him? TRIUMPH!
  • He called me and it wasn’t my fault?
  • I’m willing to be vulnerable in my attempts to be a more loving person and not think of myself?

    …That devolved rather quickly…Eh…At least I’m trying to be physically healthy (ignore the coffee which may counteract that point).

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Stoic

I’m torn between believing I’m just like everyone else, and hitting the snooze button six times, covered in a blanket to keep out the cold, wishing my shoulders didn’t hurt and not having the energy to even begin to do my stretches…

Then I remember Marcus Aurelius and I feel even more guilt:

At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ‘I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?’

— But it’s nicer in here …

So you were born to feel ‘nice’? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

— But we have to sleep sometime …

Agreed. But nature set a limit on that — as it did on eating and drinking. And you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you’re still below your quota.

I should start waking up at dawn…That sounds like a good idea.

I’m also thinking about giving up the ukulele concerts, I have another one in a couple weeks, but I hardly ever get to practicing…what with school and that social life I’m attempting to weave together to make me forget my ex….

Yep. All I have going for me right now is the fact that most of the people I interact with think I’m nice and I’m not failing Grad school.

The morning defeated me today…Maybe I’ll do better tomorrow…and go to the gym tonight…that’ll make me feel better.

Human beings in general have a tendency to not want to do things that take work, right? It’s not just me. I just think I’m worse off because I can pity aching muscles and think about the physical therapy I should be doing. I can gripe. I can claim that others have less to overcome, fewer excuses.

And in reality we all have our own stuff to overcome and I have to just do it. I’m doing it. I’ll try at least.

So I’m setting goals, gym today, and wake up at least an hour earlier tomorrow than I did today.

They’re little goals, but they’re something.

P.S. I just discovered coconut milk in tea…I have hope.

 

-cdukulele

 

 

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Adjusting to Achievement

So, about that assignment that I noticed at the last minute and only had 12 hours to do, I did it. Well, I kind of did it. Well, I did enough of it to get away with looking like I did it for now, and later I’ll figure out how to fix the situation with my professor later.

When I got to class today I asked a few of my classmates if they realized there was an assignment due that morning, and they just stared at me like I was crazy and said the most reassuring things like: “I submitted that last week” and “Yes, I did it. I also started part two already because I need to free up my schedule and don’t know what I’ll be doing several weeks from now.”

I decided to stop talking to them and I hoped that they were overachievers and that this didn’t mean I was an underachiever.

Then I spoke to a couple other students who also sounded like they knew more about the assignment than I did, and, as I had polled half the class by this point, I realized that I was the underachiever.

The plus side was that when I spoke to the second group of overachievers, it sounded like they understood where my confusion was coming from (plus I asked them different questions so that it didn’t look like I had just forgotten there was an assignment due), so I felt better about my status, like I might only be part-underachiever…

On the plus side, I’ve already done everything I know about all my assignments for my other class and am in no fear of being behind in it on any account.

I’m going to go re-check my online syllabus and make sure that’s true.

Later -cdukulele

 

 

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Anniversary

I’ve been blogging as cdukulele for three years. Happy Anniversary.

Now, to vent about all the stresses in my life because this outlet is nice.

Firstly, I discovered 3 hours ago that I had an assignment for Grad school due twelve hours from then that involved a complicated process of getting in contact with people. My current plan is to wake up at 5 in the morning and hope I’ve gotten responses to the e-mails I sent out, and then just do my best to submit something worthy of the ten points, and not cry.

Secondly, the fact that I didn’t notice that assignment has me paranoid and questioning my grad student status, being like – “There is no one to blame but myself…” and as a result stressing about all the other assignments coming up and trying to figure out how to do them all RIGHT NOW, so that I don’t forget any of them again in the future.

Thirdly, it’s been half a month since my relationship with my second boyfriend ever ended, and I’ve been alternating between trying not to dwell on it, and dwelling on it. It didn’t help when he started texting me, and then deleted me off of facebook, and then called me. I’m trying to stand by the decision that was made to end it, but I keep questioning it. I think I’m questioning it because I liked not being alone….and he was nice…but… I wasn’t happy. And I wasn’t happy because…he wasn’t happy, and I was trying to make him happy by loving him and it just wasn’t possible. Because I couldn’t love him being in a relationship with him, where all I was doing was trying to make him happy and I sacrificed myself. Real love is about sacrifice, but sometimes that sacrifice involves letting go of someone and letting them be in other people’s hands. I needed to step back. He needs to find love outside of me, and to learn to love himself. It hurt, it hurts, and I am still on the verge of contacting him under the thought that I can at least tell him all of that…But my family tells me that’s not a good idea, and I’m trusting them.

 

So yea. That’s what’s up.

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