Sometimes I’m so emotionally overwhelmed with pain that the only thing that makes me feel better is speaking about it in over-simplified violent terms and pretending to inflict cartoonish-like pain upon myself.
For instance, yesterday as I walked to my car with a friend, I sung the little mantra “Stab stab stabby stab, stab the pain in my heart” and pretended that I was hurting myself with an imaginary knife.
The goal here is not to ACTUALLY act out some sort of self harm, but rather to show the world that I am suffering by pantomiming out the pain I feel in my soul.
I used to think my old guy friend had a problem when he pretended to die during dinners as we discussed the misfortunes he suffered in life and he grew more and more miserable…Now I understand.
Sometimes emotional pain is so overwhelming that you can’t handle that no one else can see it. Thus, my dramatizations of my pain.
Anyway, in case you’re wondering, the emotional pain is a result of the fact that 1. I’m alone and going to be alone forever 2. My only solace is the fact that my Mom keeps saying I’m not alone and I have family who love me and God 3. I have brittle bones and am living a life of wanting to get out and do things, and terror that doing things will result in broken bones which result in two months of cast-like devices and inabilities to do things. 4. I was almost not alone for two months and then that relationship ended as a result of the fact that both of us knew it wasn’t working out. 5. I keep wondering if I made the right choice 6. I haven’t written on here in forever, and this is my emotional pain outlet, and I’m always slightly nervous that my unknown real life persona will be discovered/that the ex or other people I care about will somehow discover it and judge me.
Now that my two month relationship ended and I’m in pain again, I’ll probably be back here to write.