Stab stab stabby stab-stupid pain in my heart.

Sometimes I’m so emotionally overwhelmed with pain that the only thing that makes me feel better is speaking about it in over-simplified violent terms and pretending to inflict cartoonish-like pain upon myself.

For instance, yesterday as I walked to my car with a friend, I sung the little mantra “Stab stab stabby stab, stab the pain in my heart” and pretended that I was hurting myself with an imaginary knife.

The goal here is not to ACTUALLY act out some sort of self harm, but rather to show the world that I am suffering by pantomiming out the pain I feel in my soul.

I used to think my old guy friend had a problem when he pretended to die during dinners as we discussed the misfortunes he suffered in life and he grew more and more miserable…Now I understand.

Sometimes emotional pain is so overwhelming that you can’t handle that no one else can see it. Thus, my dramatizations of my pain.

 

Anyway, in case you’re wondering, the emotional pain is a result of the fact that 1. I’m alone and going to be alone forever 2. My only solace is the fact that my Mom keeps saying I’m not alone and I have family who love me and God 3. I have brittle bones and am living a life of wanting to get out and do things, and terror that doing things will result in broken bones which result in two months of cast-like devices and inabilities to do things. 4. I was almost not alone for two months and then that relationship ended as a result of the fact that both of us knew it wasn’t working out. 5. I keep wondering if I made the right choice 6. I haven’t written on here in forever, and this is my emotional pain outlet, and I’m always slightly nervous that my unknown real life persona will be discovered/that the ex or other people I care about will somehow discover it and judge me.

Now that my two month relationship ended and I’m in pain again, I’ll probably be back here to write.

YAY

-cdukulele

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5 Comments

Filed under Various writing

5 responses to “Stab stab stabby stab-stupid pain in my heart.

  1. But wouldn’t you rather be alone than be with someone you don’t like? 🙂

  2. I should’ve probably read your blog before throwing out those last few questions at you.Sorry about that.
    How’re you doing though?

    • Haha, it’s funny because of the difference between your questions when you thought I was still with the guy and after you realized it was all OVER. OVER….ovvveeeerrr. I’m doing alright. Confused. Less confused. I was missing people. Now I’m trying not to miss people. It’s hard to not miss people when they are still a part of your life…….but not the same part that they were previously. GAH. THE PAINNNNN….It’s not that bad though. I’m keeping busy, focusing on my plans for my life and how to follow God’s will because he loves me unimaginably and wants my ultimate happiness more than I want it myself…Like when I go after temporary joys that are really not that fulfilling instead of keeping my eye on the prize…Or when I justify things…Or just when I have no idea what I want and then get all sad and confused and think I want something just because I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE ALONE ANYMORE. I’m growing as a person. Totally growing. So I’m good. Or I will be good. I’m working on being good. How are you? Post something so I can read it! Unless you already have. In which case I will visit your blog later and read it.

      • I just responded to the other comment and now I’m going to respond to this.STAY BUSY.Better people yet to arrive in your life,right?Listening to sad music and reading while doing the growing is probably a good idea.And maybe crying a lot.I am….alive.And that’s all that’s happening in my life,I guess.I DID POST SOMETHING ACTUALLY.So I suppose that’s one momentous occurrence in my life of late.

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