I am so tired
everything in life
I wrote him a poem.
He admires me.
I’m afraid to speak the words back
because I have so little trust in words,
so little trust in feelings,
because they are fickle and fail me all the time.
I choose just to try.
I choose to try to love.
I choose to show, not with words to express feelings,
but with actions and consistency.
Because I use my words to cycle through the thoughts and feelings and loneliness and desire
but now is the time for action.
So I make every act an act of love.
And I try to act as frequently as possible.
As frequently as necessary.
Sometimes it is necessary not to act.
Sometimes love is in the patience.
And other times words and feelings betray me.
Because I know they are based on fickle things, I know they will not last, and I know that they will melt away into the air like the thoughts they’re founded on.
Love is a continuous and conscious effort to do the right thing.
I am loving him.
I will love him.
It doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt him.
But I am open to doing the most, doing my best, to love him without causing unnecessary pain…To recognize when I am in the way of his love, when I am not loving at all.
Love is an action.
And I’m about to fall asleep.
So I’ll love him when I wake up, or in my dreams.
Whichever comes first.