Monthly Archives: June 2016

She’s not alone.

I am so tired

and

everything in life

is going

very amazingly.

I wrote him a poem.

He admires me.

I’m afraid to speak the words back

because I have so little trust in words,

so little trust in feelings,

because they are fickle and fail me all the time.

I choose just to try.

I choose to try to love.

I choose to show, not with words to express feelings,

but with actions and consistency.

Because I use my words to cycle through the thoughts and feelings and loneliness and desire

but now is the time for action.

So I make every act an act of love.

And I try to act as frequently as possible.

As frequently as necessary.

Sometimes it is necessary not to act.

Sometimes love is in the patience.

And other times words and feelings betray me.

Because I know they are based on fickle things, I know they will not last, and I know that they will melt away into the air like the thoughts they’re founded on.

Love is a continuous and conscious effort to do the right thing.

I am loving him.

I will love him.

It doesn’t mean that I won’t hurt him.

But I am open to doing the most, doing my best, to love him without causing unnecessary pain…To recognize when I am in the way of his love, when I am not loving at all.

Love is an action.

And I’m about to fall asleep.

So I’ll love him when I wake up, or in my dreams.

Whichever comes first.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Lower that Bar!

A female friend and I went out with two of our guy friends the other night (I’ll name them Mike and Don), and because these guys are particularly unafraid of awkward conversations and ever dwelling on their own singlehood, Don suddenly asked my friend and I why we weren’t married yet.

We didn’t have much to say in response to that, other than the usual “Haven’t met ‘The One'”, (even though neither of us is really idealistically holding out for a “soul mate” so much as someone who cares as much about their soul getting to heaven), and then Don attempted to go on a tirade about women being too picky.

I pointed out that he was older than us and unwed, and then he tried to start using the biological clock argument to put the blame back on us, followed by his own claim that he was never getting married after I told him to mind his own business and stop talking about our ovaries. Apparently he hasn’t found “the one” either, because no woman can appreciate his rich sense of humor, but it doesn’t matter if he’s unwed as much because we’re women, and we’re the ones who have the time limit on finding true love.

The message of the night: If you’re a woman you have to not be so picky about who you are going to marry, because you MUST have kids before that clock runs out! If you’re a man, it’s totally acceptable to be single and brood about it all your life, because no woman really understands you.

 

#biological clock
#sarcasm
#Iknowwho’sNOTmysoulmate
#I don’tknow how to use hashtags

-cdmightwriteasongaboutthis

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Poem to Friendship

Is it a mistake to wake and take

a moment to send a message,

a note I wrote,

merely, to tell you

Thank you

and you’re sweet,

and you’re kind,

and God bless?

Because I was thinking about it and every other male “friend” managed to add to my life a pile of stress,

and you just are…and are so nicely.

Quietly listen, listen politely.

Don’t barrage me with words or try to indict me

in an entitled way

measuring all the words I did or didn’t say.

You just are and take me in,

you’re just sweet, truly a friend,

and I appreciate it and you,

I value it, I really do.

So, thank you.

 

Now the message’s sent,

you’ve read it, it’s gone, I don’t repent

because you’re all kindness in words and deed,

you deserved to see it, to know and let it feed

your  goodness, your friendship, and to continue,

in being amazing, in being you.

 

-cd

 

 

 

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Filed under General Poems, Various writing

Reading til 5am.

I decided to be courageous, and I sent out an e-mail inquiring about a full-time job for the next school year. I feel partially crazy for doing it, but the other part of me recognizes that despite the fact that grad school can be overwhelming,  I spend a great deal of my time outside of class with nothing to do, and when I have nothing to do I wind up wasting a lot of time on trivial things…like thinking about romance. I figure I could at least attempt to reallocate some of my daydreaming time over to actually earning money and building up my resume.

I haven’t gotten a response to that e-mail yet, which I sent based off the recommendation of a friend, but I guess I can start worrying after a full business day has passed.

In other news, it’s summer and my attempts to not dwell on non-existent romantic relationships resulted in three nights of me staying up until sunrise reading. I seem to have this deluded belief that finishing a book in under twenty-four hours makes me successful, when it really just makes me anti-social because I spend most of the daylight hours asleep and pondering what book I will buy and read next. If that’s my measurement of success, then…I finished 3 books! I don’t know what that means.

 

Until the next time I remember this blog exists and I feel a desperate need to share some thoughts,

-cdukulele

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing