Monthly Archives: March 2016

Ending something that never began.

It is kind of insulting to tell me I overthink things. I can’t really turn off my brain.

It’s probably better to tell me that I misunderstood what you just said or did, because how can I really overthink it?

I can think that your words mean more than you intend them to mean…but maybe you simply weren’t tactful enough.

Or maybe there are things that I want to hear so badly that I’ll misinterpret it.

Maybe I do overthink, overthink so that I feel better about everything.

I fail at relationships with the opposite sex. On the plus side, I prayed for answers and it seems pretty clear.

Clear cut, painfully so: give up on this one.

So that seems to be the way my life goes, destined for singlehood. Which means I really ought to give up the pursuit.

I tried to give it up, and then he just turned up in my life, with the words and actions that I overthought. A week can be a lifetime for a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet lived it.

Infatuation to its fullest.

With death and poison as its fruit.

It hurts so much and I wish I could turn off that part of the brain, but I had free time, and in the idle moment I was distracted by loneliness and his presence, and it was what I chose to spend my time on.

I should spend my time on better things.

There are so many better things to spend time on.

But I hate spending so much time alone.


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Emotions suck.

Like, I spend ninety percent of my time thinking about them when I should be thinking about other things.

Oh snap, I thought about the emotions so much that I forgot I left my ukulele in the trunk of my Mom’s car…

Anyway, if I keep thinking about these emotions I’m probably going to wind up crying, so maybe I should write them out of my system.

I’d write them out of system and into a text to compose and send to the male who is inspiring me to have all these emotions, but that would probably just result in more emotions, and there are too many of them already.

Here’s what I have to say: for the past five months I’ve been friends with a guy who I spend time with off and on, and I’ve started composing many posts on him and related to him and then stopped, because I don’t want to obsess, and I’m paranoid that somehow too many details will find themselves in the sea of the internet leading back to him.

I like to play it relatively, obsessively, safe.

Recently, however, this friendship became even more confusing.

Like, we keep almost going on dates/spending time alone together, and while I don’t mind the friendship, a couple nights ago we went out dancing with a female friend of mine.

And he and I danced, and it was fun, and then at some point there was some super romantic-partner up and dance for real music playing, which I didn’t recognize, and he pulled me into his arms and we danced like one of the forty super romantic couples surrounding us.

And it confused me.

I am confused.

I am so incredibly confused.

And I want to ask him what was up with that but when the first dance ended he gestured to another couple who was still dancing in the super romantic way, and indicated he was merely imitating them, and I let it drop as some sort of anomaly of dance, of our friendship. He merely pulled me into his arms so romantically because he was dancing, and it’s what all the couples were doing.

Time passed, we danced other friend-like dances, we danced in other rooms, we danced with other people, and at some point we found ourselves back in the room of couples dancing ridiculously close together, and he pulled me into another dance.

And later, when guys asked me to dance and whether he was my boyfriend or I was his girlfriend, he said “no, she’s single” and sent me off to dance with the strangers.

I’m a little bit hurt…I probably shouldn’t be, I definitely shouldn’t be, we’re friends and we danced, but I’ve never danced that close to a guy before, to anyone, and now I can’t stop thinking about him and I hate him a little bit for it, and I don’t even think he cares.

I don’t even know if I want him to care in that way.

I just wish he would’ve warned me before he pulled me into that dance.

I’m all obsessed and it’s because of a stupid dance.

And we’re entirely not together, and I don’t know what to say or what not to say, whether to tell him that dancing with girls like that is confusing, and that I’m confused now, or whether to say nothing and just let the pain and emotions sit until they hopefully just go away.

Because we danced, and then I saw him once more after that and he gave me and my friend a totally innocent hug, and he hasn’t contacted me since. But he rarely contacts me.


But I also want to just yell at him for making me like him.

Like a teenager. Do teenagers even do that? I feel like I’m as lost as I would be if I was a teenager going out with some other random teenager.

I thought people were mature when you grew up and just let you know that they liked you.

I thought they had courage to tell you how they were really feeling.

I thought they had the strength to not pull you into dances that will misdirect your feelings and imply that they feel more than they do.

I thought they had the courtesy to let you know that they were falling and that by going out dancing with them you are pretty much going on a date with them and basically, flippin’ tell the girl you like her rather than inviting her out, dancing with her like you like her, telling other guys she’s free to dance, and then looking sad when you let her go.

Did I mention he looked sad? It was the one small bit of information my friend provided for me, for when she and him were sitting alone talking and I was dancing with the stranger my guy friend told me to dance with.

…There is so much here that I shouldn’t be evaluating, because life shouldn’t be so focused on romance, should it? Like, I have school, I have friends, I have health problems, I have friends with health problems, I have God, and pushing its way past all these important things is my stupid little heart going “DOES HE LIKE ME? DOES HE LIKE ME???” and “WHAT DOES IT MEAN!???” and “I AM SO ALONE.”

It freakin’ sucks and it makes no sense and I’m blaming biology and wanting to curse it, because I don’t even know if he cares, and if he cares then he’s doing a crummy job of showing it, and if does such a bad job caring then I shouldn’t care about him.

So my logical mind and my close friends tell me to forget him and move on, and that stupid heart supported by emotions and hormones is just keeps beating me up about it, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Because I’ve never been good at making my Heart stop yelling at me, until I get distracted by some new crush…but I’m tired of being distracted by crushes. The endless barrage on my emotions hurts too much.

I probably have too much free time. If I fill up every second of time with activity then there’s no time to dwell on love…



Pray for me.





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