Life is good.
I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.
I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.
I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.
But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.
I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.
And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.
But nothing should go wrong.
But something could go wrong.
So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.
But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.
Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.
That it will be okay.
That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.
Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.
And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.
It will be okay, and it is okay.
Peace and love to you.