Monthly Archives: February 2016

I kind of hate to admit it but…

Teaching actually brings me joy.

I mean, it’s not something I really HATE to admit, but I’ve been trying to avoid being trapped in a classroom for the rest of my life, and so the concept of enjoying teaching has been pretty repelling to me, but I really like ESL students.

They’re so polite, and they actually want to learn.

I like teaching people who actually WANT to learn.

Working with kindergartners and young children who were forced into after school programs so much gave me a bitter view of teaching. Hearing stories from teachers about all their classes and dealing with classroom management, and the movies and stories about inspirational teachers who went to the run down high school and turned the lives of their wanna-be thug students around had altered my view of teaching. They had instilled a false belief in me that I had to be this amazing entertainer who kept my students attention and motivated them to learn simply by the merit of my own amazingness as an instructor.

I am not that amazing.

I mean, the potential might be there, and someday I might be able to turn some uninspired student’s life around by simply being there for them and showing them that I care, but right now, I can barely be inspired to do my own homework.

I need students who actually want to learn.

And so I like ESL students. Adult students. People who are going to school because they want to go to school. Working with them, and actually being able to help them and not feeling like I’m just contributing to the misery in their life by giving them another homework assignment to deal with, brings me joy and makes me see teaching in a better light than I think I have seen it in a while.

I can see teaching as actually helping people, and not forcing them to live up to outrageous requirements that have little to no application to their real life experiences.

Teaching English I can actually see the benefit in my students’ lives. I can actually see how they are better able to communicate with me, with each other. I can see how they can improve their lives and their futures, getting better jobs and better everything.

So, I like teaching…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sad tea-cups

…are those with almond milk in them instead of real milk.

Also, 5 minutes after posting my update about my friend with cancer having a smaller tumor, I got a text from her asking me to pray for her because she was in the worst pain yet. At two am, after I’d gotten two hours of sleep and inexplicably woke up, she contacted me again and we talked and she seemed to be better. I then stayed up til some crazy hour, and then woke up and had a fairly pleasant day. Knowing your friend is not as bad off as she was right before you went to bed that night has a way of making days better.

In other totally non-consequential news:

I might have gone on two dates with two different guys in the last two weeks, but nobody ever calls anything a date anymore so I really have no idea, but I kind of think one of the guys almost tried to kiss me judging by the strange pause at the end of the night just after we arrived at my car and took out my keys to leave. That would definitely put the second hang out in the “date” category, but the pause could have also simply been awkwardness. Who knows? I definitely don’t.
When you don’t go around kissing people you have no idea when you are in a kissing-people situation or not.

That’s my life.

P.S. Continued prayers for my friend are appreciated. Prayers for all totally confused young people who don’t know if they are on dates or not are also appreciated.

P.P.S. I have no idea how to balance talking about my feelings about my friend with cancer with my feelings about the rest of my life, as they are completely different segments of my life. However, the way life works is that everything just kinda gets shoved together and it is your life, and sometimes, 60-70 years later, you look back on it and maybe you see patterns, and then you write nice little uniform books about the experiences, or maybe sell the movie rights or whatever…But that doesn’t happen in the middle of the experience, when everything is happening at once and you don’t know what’s important and what’s not besides what you think about it in the moment. It is from this disjointed reality that my blog posts are born. In fifty to sixty years maybe I’ll write a book. For now you get the mess to make sense or nonsense of all on your own. Have fun!

 

 

 

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Update, God is Good!

My friend with cancer’s tumor has shrunk.

It’s wonderful news.

She keeps saying that my prayers are the reason for it.

I have no idea what God is up to and how much he’s working through me, but I’ll take it.

Thank you for your prayers too.

 

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Putting things in Perspective

Life is good.

I’m working on the developing meaningful friendships with people of the opposite sex, and everyone really, and not being so obsessive.

I’m working really slowly, but I’m working on it.

I’m kind of critical of myself and paranoid about what others think of me sometimes. I think that a lot of what they do or don’t do is directly related to some fault of mine. I should stop thinking that way. It’s not healthy, because I can really only control myself and I probably have very little negative influence on these people, if any at all, and if it is there, then it’s probably nothing I can control.

But I tend to think I can control it, and want to control it, because I want to be accepted and approved of.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I feel so dependent upon others and so unable to really take care of myself, like without people I would be very badly off, and so I want them to approve of me and like me so that I feel safe and secure, because I don’t trust me to take care of me.

And I don’t trust me to take care of me because physically my body still can’t handle as much as a “healthy” person (or so I think), and mentally I’m afraid of something breaking or going wrong and being completely dependent upon others again, especially because the need for neurosurgery came out of nowhere, the neck breaking happened just as I was getting better, and I’m still not confident I’m completely recovered / I expect something else to go wrong.

But nothing should go wrong.

But something could go wrong.

So I obsess about finding people to support and take care of me as insurance against the possibility that I will be helpless and alone.

But life is going good…because…I’m finding people I think I can depend on? People who tell me to stop thinking so negatively. People who give me a slightly more positive outlook, not only in the realm of having people to depend on, but in the realm of actually being able to take care of myself at some point, and that everything will be okay.

Life is good because there are people in my life reminding me that it can be good. Reminding me that I should have a little faith, I can have a little faith.

That it will be okay.

That I’ll get through it, and I won’t be alone, and that I will be able to take care of myself.

Then again I could be struck by lightening tomorrow. That’d be bad…But that’d also be incredibly unlikely, as most of the negative things I dwell on probably are, so I should focus again on trusting in God and trusting in him working through me.

And that is how my mind works, think of something small, go to the extreme of blowing it out of proportion, go back to seeing it in the correct view, calm down.

It will be okay, and it is okay.

Peace and love to you.

 

 

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Perfect guy appear please.

The post under this title was a compilation of self-depreciating comments that did not befit the humor of the desperation of the title. It was composed on the first day of the month of St. Valentine, and basically fits the love-torn state of anyone completely alone romantically on that day.

Instead of sharing that original mixed up post with you all, I have begun composing one that is much better synthesized…if merely for the fact that it contains the word “synthesized”.

And to continue this post I will simply say that…I am tired of waiting, but I will keep waiting, because waiting is what I am best at, but I secretly fear that if “the right guy” came around I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him, and maybe he is already here and I don’t know it. HOWEVER, that is just impatience taking hold of my ability to wait, which is still trying to tell me that everything happens in God’s time…But then I reflect upon how God works through people and maybe it’s my time to step up to the plate and TRY HARDER!

But I don’t know what to try harder at. Try harder at falling in love* with someone?

It’s so much work. It’s all: Hello, let’s be friends, let’s hang out, let’s interpret everything you say and do and figure out whether it indicates that you’re attracted to me, let’s not ask you whether you’re attracted to me, let’s give up on you because clearly I should know BY NOW whether you like me, let’s go back to you because maybe you’re just super shy and that’s not a bad thing, let’s keep evaluating all of our interactions like crazy, let’s continue to refer to my singular self as an “us” because you took no part in anything from hanging out onward that I know of.

…So then I go back to the whole – stop trying to fall in love and just be content with your life and try to be a good human being and simply love people, but then I don’t know how to simply love the people that I want to love me so much, so I end up ignoring them until I can’t anymore and then I send them messages asking them about their lives and then I wonder how on one hand I’m radio silence and on the other I’m desperate for communication and how it’s quite possible that I am the problem and I need to solve myself and not them.

So I’m waiting on the perfect version of me to appear, but that’s not happening in this lifetime, so I must simply strive towards perfection, and as anyone who has striven for that knows, IT IS TOUGH WORK!

It’s after midnight, my house is cold, I need to sleep and feel less lonely.

Sincerely,

Random person on the internet.

 

 

 

St. Jude, pray for us.

 

 

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