Can you please love me?
After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:
I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that
it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.
I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.
You won’t ever give up.
Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.
Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.
Because the good isn’t worth the bad.
I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.
I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.
Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.
I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.
I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.
All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.
And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.
I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.
I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.
To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…
That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.
And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.
Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?
I don’t know.