What I want.

Can you please love me?

After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:

I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that

it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.

I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.

You won’t ever give up.

Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.

Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.

Because the good isn’t worth the bad.

I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.

I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.

Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.

I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.

I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.

All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.

And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.

I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.

I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.

To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…

That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.

And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.

Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?

I don’t know.

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11 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

11 responses to “What I want.

  1. unjustnyx

    I wish I had half the insight you do when you leave your comments… all I can say is “hang in there, and don’t stop hoping/believing”! My friends and I can definitely empathize with you in worrying that “the One” might not be there… might not be around.. might not exist… but IMHO I believe that there’s still hope for you, for me, and for us. The guy you find might not be perfect and he might not be able to love you unconditionally–but I think as long as he loves you enough to want and try to understand you and tolerate things he can’t fully accept… isn’t that enough? Because we’re only human.

    • Ha, I simply read and then write what I think, and the very fact that you wrote something thoughtful is enough, and that you threw in personal experience is a bonus. Ah, I think the term “love unconditionally” may slip us up here, because when I say that I don’t mean like, always act like a schoolboy in love with me, even if I like, go crazy and start smashing windows, but rather always thinks about my good and how his actions impact me, and trying to do his best to do the best for me and us…Trying to understand me and tolerate what he can’t accept would definitely fall under the category of loving unconditionally, I think. I mean, I don’t know what more a human can do, besides trying to understand, recognizing that you will never fully understand, and doing your best to take care of that person anyway. This may be an unreasonable request, but this is probably because my model of the ideal man is based on Jesus Christ, and like he was crucified and died for his people/the Bride of Christ/The Church, and I took some theology classes which BASICALLY (and by basically I mean specifically ) told me that the marriage between a man and a woman is a symbol of the marriage between Christ and his Church, and that, according to St. Paul (Ephesians 5:25), men basically should love us like Jesus and die for us if need be….AND SO, with that idea in my mind…dating becomes difficult as I keep seeing the way men don’t live up to my ideal and I’m just like, SNAP, I’m gonna be single my whole life….Which probably means that I should be judging people less and put more faith in relationships…and be more vulnerable and trust that it will work out or I’ll be wise enough when the situation comes to end the relationship and be stronger for it…hm.

  2. The love of people is different from God’s love,but that doesn’t make it less worthwhile.So maybe you should have faith in that…that it might not be a shallow imitation,but something real and of its own kind.A different kind of support and strength from a source that God has given you.And who knows….maybe it’s God’s way of loving you from closer.Not to be philosophic….but if God is in all his creations,wouldn’t it make sense that it might be his love that actually reaches you through people?

    • YES! I agree entirely that is a different type of love, real in it’s own way, but I guess what I am trying to get at is that, when it comes to any relationship with a human being, their love is going to be flawed and flaws result in pain. Not necessarily bad pain, as loving someone and growing to learn how to love people better and forgive them can make us better people, and give us deeper more true love, but still…It hurts. And specifically, when it comes to romantic relationships, based again on some Catholic theology/traditional marriage ideas, you give yourself entirely to them and become one flesh and basically live your life entirely taking them into consideration, living for them, sacrificing everything for them, making your goal in life to love them as best as you can – (Always after God, but also before yourself), and basically, that’s a big commitment. It’s a BIG DEAL. and so…I think my struggle in this post is figuring out whether someone would actually be strong enough to put me second in their life, above themselves but after God, and whether it’s possible, with what it would mean to love me, to love me in that way. And whether I could love them back…Because I know God loves us through people, and we bring God to people with our love, but not everyone is married or has a significant other, so I…I’m just wondering if I ever will or if I need to try to be more content with the love of God and family and friends….I mean, that’s a lot of love in itself, really it’s all the love I need……But I suppose what I mean is that while God and family and friends should be enough I still feel lonely and like I want more, and so I probably just need more God in my life, or friends, or higher quality love, but chemistry keeps making me think about how attractive men are and how I want one to love me forever and be my husband………..Something about it is not good for man to be a lone or whatever, annnnnnd then the circle starts again where it’s, I AM LOVED, but I don’t feel loved enough, will I ever feel loved enough – not without God – can I feel more loved/how much more loved can I feel on this earth / is marriage a part of it or do romantic relationships merely complicate things when you are me…I don’t know how confusing this post was, but thank you so much for your comment, it was beautiful and clearly gave me a lot more to think about.

      • It was actually pretty clear(after I read it a few times :P).
        I get what you mean-it’s kind of a vicious cycle,I guess.
        Maybe you should just keep faith that good things will keep happening and that either you’ll find someone who you can love and who loves you or you can learn to be satisfied with friends,family and God.
        And romantic relationships probably won’t complicate things someday.:)
        Stay strong,sis.

  3. I LOVE YOU BOTH, my lone wise commentators with your beautiful thoughts. And now to individually respond to your comments.

  4. Uhm, I read and I’m thinking I can definitely relate. I remember your comment on one of my posts and how it encouraged me. So I’m really hoping God helps me do the same.
    I know that God works out everything. There’s definitely the lessons about how only God can complete us, but based on my experience, He provides those singular people whose love will shock you to your roots. I love how awitchwithawand put it – God’s love is reaching out through people.
    But don’t give up even though ‘they’ve’ given up, because when the one comes, you’ll be most amazed at how God can use someone to show you His immense love, even 1 Corinthians 13 style and the works.

    So, after all I’ve written, basically I guess I’m trying to say don’t give up.
    Much love.

    • 😀

      He’s already reaching out to me from you. Look at the little seeds I didn’t know I planted coming back to lift me up. Thank you so much for your words! I won’t give up, but I definitely think I’m attempting to at least surrender myself to God’s timing, his will, whatever he has in store for me and the beautiful plans he’s made. It’s definitely tough sometimes, because I’m so blinded by my own wants and desires and impatience, but yea, he is a God who loves me and I think you are right. HUZZAH FOR QUOTING CORINTHIANS!!! St. Paul is the man! 🙂

      • Yaaaaaaay! St. Paul is definitely the man!

        I’m glad the words reached you and even happier that you’re surrendering to God and all He has in store for you.
        May you enjoy the abundance of it all.
        God’s blessings.
        Cheers!

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