Wherein I blog about my petty problems and loneliness:

Losing friends when you’re already literally losing friends sucks.

Like, I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you hate me.

Clearly, I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal of perfection wherein I can do no wrong.

Stop believing the people who say that everyone loves me.

Who goes around telling someone that everyone loves them anyway?

It’s not possible for everyone to love you.

An inflated ego results in loneliness.

I have so many friends but no one to spend time with.

It hurts.

How do I make myself more loveable?

And yet I can’t bow to society now…just when I’m discovering how much the world hates me once again. People don’t like friends who tell them they’re wrong.

I thought that’s what real friends did. Told you to your face to stop doing whatever messed up thing you’re doing.

…And now I’m so scared of losing all my other friendships that I don’t want to let anything go.

Slipping on eggshells and grasping at strings.

I miss…finding happiness in solid things that didn’t leave me every five seconds. I miss the security of being loved and wanted and knowing I was loved and wanted and it being enough.

Feeling like I’m losing one solid friendship makes me eager to hold on to all the others. I can’t handle losing her and everybody else.

I wish they understood my weak and feeble state.

The fact that I’m not a horrible friend or a horrible person, I’m just dealing with stuff less petty than their love problems right now and it makes me…a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Forgive me.

It’s too late now. I apologized and I can’t be perfection. I can’t be fully unselfish for them and fully unselfish for her.

When one friend is dying I guess I let my other friendships die.

Because I can be utterly alone, but I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Because if all I can do is be good enough for her, then I will choose the one dying over the ones who simply think their day to day dramas are matters of life and death.

So yes, I am not a good friend, not to them.

But to her I’m going to try hard as heck to be.

She doesn’t have  enough time left for me to waste my time and energy on people who don’t care.

I don’t have enough time.

So in being an amazing friend, I let myself become a horrible friend, and I lose both friendships, because she has cancer, and they’ll probably never forgive me.

Or just now, when it matters, they won’t, and they’ll leave me alone. So I’m left to deal with this utterly alone.

Which is totally fair.

Because it’s not their problem to deal with.

We were never that good friends to begin with.

I was just there. They were just there. Now the tragedy strikes and I want them back…but they won’t be around.

And I hurt.

But it’s little pain in the grand scheme of things.

Little pain, little loneliness, compared to so many.

So little…but it still hurts.



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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

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