Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. I commented on people’s blogs, and then they thought that what I said was so helpful, they even brought up my name and tagged my blog. I appreciate this ().
  2. I especially appreciate the tagging, because in unjustnyx’s post, after reading about my great relationship advice (because I totally know what I’m talking about…), you can click on my name and jump immediately to my latest post in which I’m talking about how my friend is dying of cancer. I like the total lack of segue.
  3. I just got back from visiting the friend with cancer, and I was lying in my bed crying and feeling alone until I went to my wordpress account, and discovered the tagging, and felt better, and started the post updating.
  4. I realize I should have started this numbering system with number three maybe, and proceeded from there, but I was happy for a moment and wanted to dwell on that.
  5. It’s possible that I’m not emotionally there enough to form this into a cohesive post.
  6. Yesterday school made me cry again, for reasons of complexities that looked like they might result in dropping out, and then I had to stop the crying because my cancer friend was waiting to eat dinner for me downstairs in the hotel. So I literally sat on a bed, cried five tears, exhaled a couple times, told myself YOU CAN’T CRY, BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU! and then went to pay for a seven dollar cup of tea.
  7. Stupidly over-priced hotel restaurants should not charge you 7 dollars for tea when they give you four bags of complimentary tea in your room.
  8. You should not order 7 dollar cups of tea from hotel restaurants when you have four packs of complimentary tea in your room.
  9. Baths aren’t everything they’re cracked up to be.
  10. Swimming is always wonderful…Even in January…at 9 am…After 3 hours of sleep, when it’s 60 degrees outside.
  11. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach and then drawing hearts next to and around it can be kinda fun and cathartic in a weird way.
  12. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach next to a friend with a camera phone is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
  13. Attempting to destroy the sand-written name before your friend with the camera phone can snap a photo of it is also a bad idea, as the end result will be a photo with both the name and your hand in it, providing perfect evidence of the fact that you have a crush on the guy with the sand-written name.
  14. Later that night, when your friend uploads photos to facebook and says she didn’t upload the one that would ruin you forever because your crush would know everything, do not take her word for it. Double check, because yes, while she didn’t upload that ONE photo that she took of her handwriting the name more clearly to amuse herself, apparently she did upload the one where you can see your hand.
  15. Facebook is incredibly tricky when it comes to making sure photos are properly deleted…and in a way, you are somehow worried they are still there…somehow…forever and ever…just waiting.
  16. Do not tell your friend about how she should save that photo of the sand-written name for future reference, like, in case you fall in love with and marry this guy, and then she can frame it and give it to you…Apparently, this thought is crazy, and you will be mocked.
  17. It is probably unfair to continuously tell my friend with cancer “You can not die.” I may think it over and over, every time she does something ridiculous that only she would do, every time she says something that only she would say, every time she reminds me of what an utterly unique (albeit strange), fascinating, devoted, person and friend she is, and I may continuously tell myself that this person must continue to exist on the planet and can not die, because I can’t handle their death and them not being there…but…it is not fair to tell that to them. It is not fair to give them the undue pressure of remaining alive. Only of course for the fact that they have little to no control over it…and I shouldn’t tell people not to do the things they may have no control over.
  18. On the other hand, if my friend was completely in control of it, then yes, I would repeatedly tell her that, because she is not allowed to just give up. You have to try. Because giving up is not an option. Why? Because it isn’t. It just isn’t. You have no idea of the lives you impact and the gifts you bring and honestly, the truth is, you’re not living for you. If you were living for you you’d be miserable and the world would be a miserable place to live. We live for love, we live for people, we live for each other, and you can not give up just because your life just got flippin miserable.
  19. Also, you live for you, and that’s another reason to not give up. Because the flippin misery can flippin go away. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but giving up isn’t gonna help it, and even if you’re flippin miserable you can be flippin’ happy at the same time. It’s a conundrum of life and basically, life’s a mix of the misery and the happy and being miserable does not ensure happiness will never happen again and you just got to keep trying, for me, for you, because I love and I want you to love, and I want you to live and be happy.
  20. This is the end of the random thought list.




Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

2 responses to “Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. unjustnyx

    I’m glad I could somehow add the smallest hint of a silver lining to your clouds… I did hesitate about linking to your site when the first post was clearly not your happiest moment though =S Hopefully it won’t offend you if I say I really liked this post… the sadness about your friend’s condition, your obvious love for her, and the comic relief/embarrassing moments of the beach made for a really vibrant snapshot of your recent days. Stay strong!

    • Thank you unjustnyx, and no offense taken whatsoever, I’m glad that someone got some benefit from reading it, as I got benefit from writing it, and benefits are good. Ha… And I will try to retain strength. Or like, break down when necessary. I mean, staying strong isn’t always a good thing. Depending. Like, accepting that something has happened and recognizing a moment of weakness so that you can finally overcome it.

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