Monthly Archives: January 2016

From a Saturday night in January…

In twelve minutes I go on another date. But I don’t think it’s even a date, because he’s bringing a friend of his for unknown reasons.

But as I merely invited him to go out for some tea, due to the wrenching loneliness in my heart that results when one friend is dying from cancer and you can’t seem to locate any of your other friends in the nearby vicinity, I don’t really care.

I am happy to merely be with people.

For a split moment did it feel like I wasn’t good enough just myself for him, like he didn’t really want to hang out with me and he invited his guy friend to avoid the paralyzing torture that merely hanging out with me alone would induce…But then I brushed that feeling away as I recollected that he was the one that suggested we go out today when my invitation to go out yesterday was rejected.

So now he’s bringing a friend.

Definitely not a date.

And with two minutes on the clock, I just received a text alerting me that he is almost here.

So not only did he reject my first offer to hang out, but he’s bringing a friend, and he’s going to be late.

Winning on all fronts.

I should just give up now.

With my hyper-criticism.

My hyper-negativity.

Ironically recalling how when he first met me he mentioned how he needed to hang out with more “positive people”, people like me.

Attempting to live up to that stereotype that he instilled within our first five minutes of meeting.

Writing sentences with no subject that force the reader to guess that all of the previous sentences were incomplete clauses that would more properly begin with the words “I am”.

I break grammar rules all the time.

But that’s a side note.

Back to the main topic.

He’s two minutes late and I got to get over it.

Because if I’m going to attempt to make any new friends…I’m going to have to give them some time to prove themselves.

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What I want.

Can you please love me?

After so many years of blog posts and poems and songs and conversations, I figured out what it is I really want:

I want you to look at me, sit with me, listen to me, talk to me, hear me, and tell me that

it’s okay, you love me, you’re there for me, and you understand.

I want to know that no matter what I’m going through or what problem I’m dealing with, you’ll be there with me.

You won’t ever give up.

Won’t ever walk away. Won’t get worn out and tired of me because I’m depressing to be around.

Won’t do to me what I’ve done to so many people, won’t reach your limit of my problems and throw me away, because I’m not worth it.

Because the good isn’t worth the bad.

I just want you to love me. Unconditionally…so that I can stop locking it all up. So that I can stop holding it all in. So that I can stop only being the part of me that I think you can handle, one sliver of me at a time.

I just want to be fully me. Fully miserable when I’m miserable, fully happy when I’m happy.

Accept all my sorrow so that I know you’ll accept all my joy.

I don’t even know if I think it’s possible.

I …don’t think it’s possible for someone to love me in that way.

All my life has been a series of lessons teaching me that the only one who can really complete me is God, and that no one can be for me like he is.

And so I don’t see how you could possibly love me and accept me fully, because I don’t know if I would even love and accept me fully.

I don’t even know if someone exists who would love and accept every part of me and tell me that they’re never giving up on me.

I don’t know if it’s too much to ask of someone.

To just choose you, and stick by you, no matter what you go through…

That’s what I want…because it hurts so much when they give up.

And if the only one who can do that is God, then I don’t know…I don’t know what I’d want to even try to be with you for.

Because why attempt at joy when I know you can never fully give it. Why attempt at love when I know yours is only a shallow imitation. Is the shallow imitation enough?

I don’t know.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Wherein I blog about my petty problems and loneliness:

Losing friends when you’re already literally losing friends sucks.

Like, I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you hate me.

Clearly, I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal of perfection wherein I can do no wrong.

Stop believing the people who say that everyone loves me.

Who goes around telling someone that everyone loves them anyway?

It’s not possible for everyone to love you.

An inflated ego results in loneliness.

I have so many friends but no one to spend time with.

It hurts.

How do I make myself more loveable?

And yet I can’t bow to society now…just when I’m discovering how much the world hates me once again. People don’t like friends who tell them they’re wrong.

I thought that’s what real friends did. Told you to your face to stop doing whatever messed up thing you’re doing.

…And now I’m so scared of losing all my other friendships that I don’t want to let anything go.

Slipping on eggshells and grasping at strings.

I miss…finding happiness in solid things that didn’t leave me every five seconds. I miss the security of being loved and wanted and knowing I was loved and wanted and it being enough.

Feeling like I’m losing one solid friendship makes me eager to hold on to all the others. I can’t handle losing her and everybody else.

I wish they understood my weak and feeble state.

The fact that I’m not a horrible friend or a horrible person, I’m just dealing with stuff less petty than their love problems right now and it makes me…a horrible friend and a horrible person.

Forgive me.

It’s too late now. I apologized and I can’t be perfection. I can’t be fully unselfish for them and fully unselfish for her.

When one friend is dying I guess I let my other friendships die.

Because I can be utterly alone, but I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Because if all I can do is be good enough for her, then I will choose the one dying over the ones who simply think their day to day dramas are matters of life and death.

So yes, I am not a good friend, not to them.

But to her I’m going to try hard as heck to be.

She doesn’t have  enough time left for me to waste my time and energy on people who don’t care.

I don’t have enough time.

So in being an amazing friend, I let myself become a horrible friend, and I lose both friendships, because she has cancer, and they’ll probably never forgive me.

Or just now, when it matters, they won’t, and they’ll leave me alone. So I’m left to deal with this utterly alone.

Which is totally fair.

Because it’s not their problem to deal with.

We were never that good friends to begin with.

I was just there. They were just there. Now the tragedy strikes and I want them back…but they won’t be around.

And I hurt.

But it’s little pain in the grand scheme of things.

Little pain, little loneliness, compared to so many.

So little…but it still hurts.

 

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Twenty things I was thinking and turned into a list that has nothing in common except that they are my thoughts.

  1. I commented on people’s blogs, and then they thought that what I said was so helpful, they even brought up my name and tagged my blog. I appreciate this ().
  2. I especially appreciate the tagging, because in unjustnyx’s post, after reading about my great relationship advice (because I totally know what I’m talking about…), you can click on my name and jump immediately to my latest post in which I’m talking about how my friend is dying of cancer. I like the total lack of segue.
  3. I just got back from visiting the friend with cancer, and I was lying in my bed crying and feeling alone until I went to my wordpress account, and discovered the tagging, and felt better, and started the post updating.
  4. I realize I should have started this numbering system with number three maybe, and proceeded from there, but I was happy for a moment and wanted to dwell on that.
  5. It’s possible that I’m not emotionally there enough to form this into a cohesive post.
  6. Yesterday school made me cry again, for reasons of complexities that looked like they might result in dropping out, and then I had to stop the crying because my cancer friend was waiting to eat dinner for me downstairs in the hotel. So I literally sat on a bed, cried five tears, exhaled a couple times, told myself YOU CAN’T CRY, BEST FRIEND NEEDS YOU! and then went to pay for a seven dollar cup of tea.
  7. Stupidly over-priced hotel restaurants should not charge you 7 dollars for tea when they give you four bags of complimentary tea in your room.
  8. You should not order 7 dollar cups of tea from hotel restaurants when you have four packs of complimentary tea in your room.
  9. Baths aren’t everything they’re cracked up to be.
  10. Swimming is always wonderful…Even in January…at 9 am…After 3 hours of sleep, when it’s 60 degrees outside.
  11. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach and then drawing hearts next to and around it can be kinda fun and cathartic in a weird way.
  12. Writing your crush’s name in the sand on an isolated beach next to a friend with a camera phone is NOT A GOOD IDEA.
  13. Attempting to destroy the sand-written name before your friend with the camera phone can snap a photo of it is also a bad idea, as the end result will be a photo with both the name and your hand in it, providing perfect evidence of the fact that you have a crush on the guy with the sand-written name.
  14. Later that night, when your friend uploads photos to facebook and says she didn’t upload the one that would ruin you forever because your crush would know everything, do not take her word for it. Double check, because yes, while she didn’t upload that ONE photo that she took of her handwriting the name more clearly to amuse herself, apparently she did upload the one where you can see your hand.
  15. Facebook is incredibly tricky when it comes to making sure photos are properly deleted…and in a way, you are somehow worried they are still there…somehow…forever and ever…just waiting.
  16. Do not tell your friend about how she should save that photo of the sand-written name for future reference, like, in case you fall in love with and marry this guy, and then she can frame it and give it to you…Apparently, this thought is crazy, and you will be mocked.
  17. It is probably unfair to continuously tell my friend with cancer “You can not die.” I may think it over and over, every time she does something ridiculous that only she would do, every time she says something that only she would say, every time she reminds me of what an utterly unique (albeit strange), fascinating, devoted, person and friend she is, and I may continuously tell myself that this person must continue to exist on the planet and can not die, because I can’t handle their death and them not being there…but…it is not fair to tell that to them. It is not fair to give them the undue pressure of remaining alive. Only of course for the fact that they have little to no control over it…and I shouldn’t tell people not to do the things they may have no control over.
  18. On the other hand, if my friend was completely in control of it, then yes, I would repeatedly tell her that, because she is not allowed to just give up. You have to try. Because giving up is not an option. Why? Because it isn’t. It just isn’t. You have no idea of the lives you impact and the gifts you bring and honestly, the truth is, you’re not living for you. If you were living for you you’d be miserable and the world would be a miserable place to live. We live for love, we live for people, we live for each other, and you can not give up just because your life just got flippin miserable.
  19. Also, you live for you, and that’s another reason to not give up. Because the flippin misery can flippin go away. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but giving up isn’t gonna help it, and even if you’re flippin miserable you can be flippin’ happy at the same time. It’s a conundrum of life and basically, life’s a mix of the misery and the happy and being miserable does not ensure happiness will never happen again and you just got to keep trying, for me, for you, because I love and I want you to love, and I want you to live and be happy.
  20. This is the end of the random thought list.

 

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Coaxing my friend through Cancer

Our code word is hippopotamus.

That’s what she’s supposed to say when I’ve made one too many jokes about a rocky relationship or generally used my sense of humor to get over something serious in a non-serious way and accidentally erred on the side of injury.

She laughed out loud and asked if we could change it to platypus, because hippopotamus was much too difficult to say without laughing.

I told her that was half the point, and refused her request, then I added a note saying “code word: hippopotamus” to the word document I was keeping notes about our conversation in.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her on the skype window, chatting away, laughing at my jokes, making the same familiar facial expressions, staring at me blankly when I said something stupid or made another joke that she didn’t think merited a laugh.

I miss her.

I miss her and I don’t want to let her go.

It’s selfish really, but I let her know that, the first half only, the missing. That part works out well for me though, because I’m going to go visit her in a week, so…pretty soon I’ll get to see her again…but then.

She doesn’t seem to concerned with it. We talked about the five stages of grief, and she’s floating somewhere between denial and all the other stages. We got to stage three, anger, and it talked about how the stages don’t really occupy a certain time, and you can just go from the last to the first and second and whatnot without any explanation, from one second to the next. Then we read stage four with depression, and it acted like this step was incredibly necessary, and it totally cancelled out the final comments for stage three that acted like you could bounce between the stages.

But, aside from the stages of grief discussion, most of our talk was about her boyfriend, and whether or not he was going through these stages, and how to fix their relationship.

I don’t know how to fix the relationship, and I don’t know how to fix the cancer. Neither of those are things anybody can fix really, they are both outside of my control, and outside of her control, as far as I can tell.

And so…all we really did was talk for two hours and it reminded me that my friend is dying and she is good and I love her and I miss her and I don’t want to lose someone close to me. But that’s selfish. But I let her know I loved her, because telling someone that is not selfish – not in this case. But not wanting to lose someone, is selfish, compared to not wanting to be lost.

And all she seems to care about is not losing somebody else.

So I’m praying for her healing and for her relationship, which to me is hardly as important as her simply staying alive, but still…I’m praying for both, and I’m trying to be there for my friend who is so many miles away.

And now I’m sharing this here for the other people who know people suffering from, fighting, living with cancer, and because…writing is what I do.

Thanks for your prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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