ODR: Therapy and struggles

I wanted to cry and I almost did but I stopped myself and wondered if I needed to see a psychiatrist.

I want to talk to someone, but Mom responds to the things I say with details about all the other tragedies happening in the family.
My brother just sighs and tries to be comforting by patting me on the shoulder, and totally failing.
I don’t want to burden my dad with anymore suffering.
My friends all seem too busy, and I don’t want them to have to take care of me like I take care of them.
I don’t want to depend on anyone.
I’m scared to.
I’m scared they’ll get overwhelmed and hurt and leave me.
Because I get overwhelmed and hurt and leave them.
I don’t think it’s possible for them to be stronger than me, for them to want to help, because I’m so weak that I can’t help.

I hurt and want to vent it and get rid of it, but I don’t see how I can do that without hurting anyone else.

Then my sister asked how I was, and I kept up my wall and told her the details she already knew, and kept some back, to protect her and keep me from losing someone else, to keep someone else from thinking about how weak I was, how pathetic, how I just needed to get over it, fix my life, be strong, and live like everyone else.
I was prepared and built up walls, letting out what I wanted to let out, attempting to keep control.
And then she found out my shoulders were sore and stiff from surgery still. She told me to get a massage, and then to call my physical therapist, and I agreed and said I just didn’t have time or energy yet. And then she massaged my shoulders for me…and I felt my eyes well with tears at the fact that she was trying to ease some of my pain.
And I don’t know how to express my other pain or how to make it go away.
Because I don’t feel happy, and I don’t want to feel sad, but I don’t know why.
Because every time I say I’m sad it’s excused away.
You’re just tired.
You’re just hungry.
You’re just stressed.
Sleep and you’ll feel better, eat and you’ll feel better, stop having problems and you’ll feel better.
Problems don’t stop until you fix them.
I can fix the superficial problems, but the other ones are deeper.
The deeper ones I don’t know what to do with.
I can’t fill the emptiness.

And every time I feel sad I explain it away.
You’ll feel better after this assignment.
You just don’t know what you’re doing with your life.
You just want more friends.
You just want better friends.
You just want someone to talk to.
You just want someone to help.
You’re just worried about your friend with cancer.
You’re just making yourself sad by thinking of sad things.
Everything will be better if you just hold on.

Doing nothing is easier than doing something.
But it hurts.
When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, theoretically change happens.
But I’m too busy to change. I’m too tired to change. I’m too focused on trying to be happy that I forget I’m sad. Except when I stop working, when I stop rushing from thing to thing, and I’m left alone in the aftermath of my racing through activity to activity. When I’m alone and I have a spare moment, I cry again.

I just want to be happy.
(Oct 2015.)

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

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