ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

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I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may  not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

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2 Comments

Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

2 responses to “ODR: What my life looks like to God.

  1. I too imagine that God sees our lives in a complete mess that we make it, but I also know that He sometimes allows us to go through those little and big chaotic times of life to bring us where He knows we will be, and to prepare us for such a time as that. He sees the grand event, and prepares our hearts….He is the potter- we are the clay/ we only must be mold able 💕

    • Yes, he sees it all and only allows that to happen which will ultimately bring us closer to him, I mean, if we always keep him at the front of our thoughts, suffering may happen, but not without beauty, not without some loving result. Because he is loving and when sin crushed the world and allowed us to die, instead of leaving us to our punishment, he took it upon himself in Christ, and not only did Christ take our sufferings, but he provided us with new life and gave us his body to eat, and we become one with God through Christ and are nourished by his body. God’s love took the first sin and turned it into a way to draw us still into oneness with him. Sure, sin exists and hurts, but amazing gifts abound. And that is my Catholic faith for you 🙂 It can also be translated into God loves us and has great things for those who love him and are trying, even when they make mistakes, and we must be open to his will like you said, like clay in the hands of a potter. Which were actually the words in one of my grade school church songs, Abba Father, which were from one of my favorite books, Isaiah. Which goes on and on about the suffering servant pouring out his life for the people, saving them. Gorgeous book. So much sacrifice, so much love. Praise God!

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