I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…
I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.
There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:
I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.
I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.
Something will go wrong.
And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.
But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.
Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.
While there is suffering, joy exists.
While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.
We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.
We can get through it.
We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..
And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…
But…I also know that it’s possible that I may not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….
And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.
And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.
Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.
Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.