Monthly Archives: October 2015

Swirl of thoughts before 2am.

I’m kinda at the point where I am so focused on the things I must take care of currently that other really important things, like friendship and life and health, kinda just swirl around in the back of my mind until I can find free time to get to them.

Part of me just wants to let them swirl for a while.

I’ve been working on lesson plans and school, and figuring out ways to teach grammar that are 1% lesson, and 99% excuses for me to sing songs and have fun.

I’ve also been working on friendships. The amateur film I said I’d help out with resulted in me spending most of my Saturday in a tiny apartment waiting for my scenes while drunk people kept forgetting their lines and my stomach growled in hunger.

If I had anticipated the time consuming aspect of that night, and the people smoking all over the place, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to it. …

There is a lot going on. I’m either underwhelmed by life or overwhelmed by it. Never just whelmed…

On the plus side, I’m being whelmed by a lot more stuff than I used to be whelmed by.

It’s like my tolerance for whelminess has gone up.

Anyway, it’s nearly two am and I should be asleep, but I just attempted to plan a lesson and I’m sitting next to a pile of papers, pondering my life and my future and my stresses and everything I need to do, and I decided I needed to blog and organize some thoughts.

Write them down.

I feel better when something’s finally written.

Like all the swirling in the back of my mind thoughts may not resolve themselves away, but that I’m a step closer when I acknowledge that they are there.

They’re there.

It’s two am.

I’m sleepy and stressed, but I care.

Goodnight.

Advertisements

8 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Sound Check

My friend still has cancer as far as I know, and I don’t even know where she is.

School is kinda bringing me down, what with the not studying and potentially failing that last test I took…I got to the second page of the test and had flashbacks to when I was failing Chemistry.

I have a fading crush on a super Christian guy who has no time for me.
I’m developing a crush on a guy who I just want to love like Christ whose time I can’t even comprehend.

I sing about my crushes in public.
I drive cars.
I’m going to drive one tomorrow, to the scary part of town, where I accidentally almost run red lights and spend twenty minutes trying to parallel park and then realize I’m in a loading zone.

After that I’m gonna be an extra in a friend’s film where I’m casted as the chick that the guy looks away from when the “hot girl” enters the room.

This initially bruised my ego until I recognized that I really don’t try to be “hot” so much as “sweet” and “kind” and “funny” and not being the “hot girl” in some random film is totally fine.

I came to this conclusion after some ego nursing. Singing songs on a stage and being appreciated for it helped with the getting over not being “hot”.
Also, dressing up for the music playing and walking around all day hearing the classmates who typically see me in jeans and walking shoes saying I looked “nice” was also a boost.
The guy I’m developing a crush on saying “You look nice,” as soon as he saw me also boosted my self esteem.
The guy I’m trying not to develop a crush on standing right next to me and talking completely like a normal human being also kinda made my heart thump a little.
Because before that it was clearly stopped.
Because I am dead inside.
And cold.
Unlike the hot girl.

The muscle cramps that came at 2am, 3:30am, and 4am were almost worth looking nice and wearing flats all day instead of supportive walking shoes.

And for future reference, the shirt that my sister gave me that says “I fall in love at least twice a day…” is both fitting in concept and reality, as I cannot wear that skin-tightness in public.
It’s too revealing, on so many levels.
And ultimately, if you find this post and connect it to the person who wrote it, that shirt is my disclaimer. And I may exaggerate my obsession with you. I mean, my attraction to you.
Because exaggerations are more interesting than reality.
And also they become my reality when I try to vent all the feelings out at nearly 3am, which is totally a good time to be doing that and not sleeping.

…and I wish I had one really good friend in this time zone that I could vent all that too and still feel loved and not like I’m weighing them down with my life afterwards.

“Check…1.2..3…How’s it sound?…Are we good?”

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Building friendships.

I wish I had more of these deep conversations.

Maybe I have them.

Last night.
Looking around the table at the faces, exhaustion, blank, bored, staring at a phone in thought.
I’m trying to find life.
I’m trying to find energy.
Purpose.
Thought.
Plans.
They just look worn down.
They just look empty.
They just seem like they stopped caring.

I want to be surrounded with the people so alive, so full of it, that they are bursting with thoughts or ideas or living.
Not surrounded by people who seem like they don’t want to be there.

Today…how is it that this, why does this make me content?
The conversation on a topic of interest.
Actually willing to communicate.
Is that it?
Is that what I desire?
Is that the simple part of the equation that the night before lacked?
People desiring to communicate?
Or was it people I wanted to communciate with?

Why do I want to communicate with you?
What makes you special?
The fact that I see you more frequently? That I feel like conversations with you are invested toward something greater? Invested toward building a friendship…and it just gets stronger. Every moment is valuable because I feel like you’ll be around for the long haul, and that you are the kind of person I want around for the long haul, while the others…
The others…
We just haven’t reached that depth yet?
Right now we’re still scratching the surface of a friendship, still getting used to the idea of being together, and so we aren’t really together yet?

Is it as simple as the difference between me wanting friends who will be there …no…I know exactly what it is…

In those friendships, I’m the one who cares. Trying to unite and connect and bring together.
In this friendship, in these conversations, it seems like you care too.
I like that.
I need that.

People appreciate being cared about…and that’s why these moments with you are worth so more than those hours last night.
Because pouring yourself out into people who don’t care breaks you down, but the mutual caring rebuilds.

Thank you for helping rebuild me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

ODR: What my life looks like to God.

I came back from visiting my friend in August and I was suddenly very thoughtful. On September 12, 2014 I composed this post. I don’t think it went along with my general whining about gradschool, so I saved it until now…It starts in italics, so I’m adding little dash lines to make it clear where my commentary ends and the post begins. Here come the dashes… ALSO, apparently I published this once and then unpublished it. I don’t know the story behind that…

————————————————————————————–

I want that. Or I want that. That hurt, I want this instead. That will make me happy. Or maybe that will make me happy. I am so sad. This is all so sad, why are you letting me be so sad GOD! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO GOD!??? Oh look, a guy! He will make me happy. YAY, we are chilling like best friends and he is giving me so much attention and…Now he is gone. I am sad again. GOD….GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME? WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING HAPPINESS AWAY!!!!!Oh look, another guy! He’ll make me happy! We can be best friends and maybe he’ll be the one that really understands me and makes me complete and—- GOD, HE LEFT ME AGAIN.

There are brief moments in my life where I realize something. They aren’t typically very profound somethings, and often I forget them upon learning them. So…here’s one:

I keep trying to find happiness in the world. In people. In things. And yes, people and things can be good and they can bring you joy, and you’re ultimately supposed to be happy, but they’re not going to make you happy all the time. They’re going to fail. You’re going to fail. I fail.

I’m not going to be perfectly happy. All the time. Currently. In this life. It’s not possible.

Something will go wrong.

And this sounds like a pessimist thing, and it kind of is.

But…It’s…It shouldn’t be.

Because the deal is, while this world is imperfect, perfection exists.

While there is suffering, joy exists.

While there is pain, there is someone who takes all that pain and turns it into something beautiful, who takes the suffering, and saves…and because he did it, because he was able to, we can try.

We can take the painful moments in our life, and turn them into joy.

We can get through it.

We can accept the suffering, and …move forward, and move with joy, because sure…it’s not perfect, but it’s life, and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s God…and life with him..

And I don’t…I don’t like to talk about….Suffering, or rather about just accepting suffering and being discontent…Because I don’t want to be…Because I want perfect happiness…and I want everything now…and I’m impatient…

But…I also know that it’s possible that I may¬† not get everything I want now, and maybe what I want isn’t always good…Because I keep noticing that what I want keeps leaving me….

And so…I guess I learned that…I have to keep being patient and keep doing my best.

And that every guy I ever liked not liking me back might not ultimately be a bad thing…Because maybe God has better plans. Like for someone who actually likes me to tell me that he does and for me to like him back…and for that to happen when I’m ready for it to happen, whenever that is.

Those were just some thoughts…After scanning my posts for the last couple months.

Well, goodnight, I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re persevering through whatever you need to persevere through, and that something wonderful happens tomorrow and you notice it.

– Catherine

 

2 Comments

Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

Flagpole Friendship

Dear guy,
you’re in my life and I don’t know why,
I prayed for an ease to the loneliness and you came,
but I don’t know if the reason for your coming is the same
or connected to the answer to my prayer.
I do appreciate you being there.
However, dear guy,
I really shouldn’t lie,
I appreciate your friendship,
but I always want more, like kinship,
and I know that is not a good idea with you,
because I don’t think that’s an idea you’re favorable to,
and even if you were, we’re far too different to make that work.
Work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
work,
flagpole.

Leave a comment

Filed under All Poetry

ODR: An incredibly depressing compilation of words about pain.

Here’s a poem I wrote June 2nd, 2014, when my physical state was a more painful than now. My current life is far superior in regards to the pain aspect, but there are sad things in it that I don’t want to think of, so I’m zooming backwards a moment. Here it is, entitled “An incredibly depressing compilation of words about pain”, catchy, eh?

 

One drop of pain,
but it just keeps dripping,
and sometimes all I want to do
is stab it with a knife, just kill it and make it dull,
and end the pain,
override it with new pain,
make it leave my system entirely,
because how can it still be sensing pain that isn’t there?

 

Other times I forget that it’s there.
Life distracts you.
Then you start to think you complain too much, but later you’re back to wanting to violently attack the pain away, and you can’t, and it won’t go.
Stronger-weaker, stronger-weaker,
It seems to only come back when you’ve started to try to live your life again.
When you try to ignore it.
Because you’re too tired of walking on eggshells to keep its temper
Too tired of hiding by yourself.

You just want to fight.
Run.
Be happy and alive.

Then it beats you down and you’re alone again.
With the dripping pain.
Too weak to fight it.
Too weak to live your life.
It hurts and you just let it hurt.
Eventually it will stop.
Because everything stops.
In the meantime you’re just hoping.
Hoping and hurting.
Living your life the only way you know how, and waiting for the pain to die, so you can live.

 

What’s pain anyway?

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under General Poems, ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

Survive.

I don’t have the time right now to cry for you, since you won’t make the time to cry for you.

Your friend and I have been consulting. Your friend, my friend, our friend.
We’re both trying to deal with your situation, because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with it.
I have the deck.

Two weeks and then I’m doing something.
Is two weeks too much time, will it be too late?
Two weeks is enough time for you to find out whether or not God has healed you.
With faith to move mountains, he can surely heal a tumor.
But God doesn’t always work the way we expect…and I don’t know what you expect.
But, it may not happen the way you want, and then…then I have to pray that you love us enough to understand that we love you enough to want you to live.

Two weeks.
Then I’ll tell you everything I think. Will I have time? I’ll have to have time. You’ll have to have time…Because in two weeks, you’ll either be healthy, or still dying but finally acknowledging it for the world to see.

How are you so calm?

Because if you stopped for a moment to think about it, you’d never pull yourself together.
I wish you felt safe enough to let yourself fall apart.
I wish I was there so that you could fall apart.
I wish I could be there to love you, unconditionally, to ease you from this time of nonstop rush without a thought, to actually thinking, accepting, suffering, and getting through this.

I want you to get through this.

I love you, so get through this.

2 Comments

Filed under Various writing