ODR: I’m tired

When I’m too tired to type and staring at my hands as they rest, fingers sprawled on the keyboard, once a childish softness, now slender grace of some near twenty-four year old, who plays stringed instruments so strongly, and without a pick, that the nail bed is bruised and the nails on the left hand are just a step from imperceptibly shorter than the ones on the right;
When I’m too tired to think and so I focus on the world immediately before me, and the piles of clothes littered on chairs and in laundry baskets and on closet doors and on top of books;
When I’m so tired that I’ve gotten all ready for bed and still don’t want to sleep…

It’s because of you.

Because I stayed awake too late, my mind racing too late, my thoughts wandering too late, wide awake and dreaming too late, about you.

The You I have never met, the You I keep hoping for, the You of my dreams and the memories and wishes and thoughts and everything that has been tossed together by my stupid heart that I wish was true, and isn’t yet.

Just waiting again. So tired, so missing, so hoping and thinking and wishing and never having, and maybe…

one day.

Until then I must stop wrapping my mind and my hopes and dreams in broken tales of hearts meeting and love growing, because all I’ve met are eyes that don’t want to meet mine and those that never matched in the first place.

I’m tired.

(Feb, 2015.)

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10 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's love life., ODR: Old Drafts Revisited

10 responses to “ODR: I’m tired

  1. gracealexandra1

    beautiful

    • Yea…hearts break sometimes. On the plus side, things were probably better after I’d gotten some sleep. Plus there’s a hint of resolve in there, like I know I’m breaking my own heart and I have to move on…maybe.

      • Probably?
        Temporarily exhausting though.
        Not that I’ve really had my heart broken.Thank god for that.

        • WELL, I say probably because that was back in February and I’m not entirely sure. I mean, things are usually better in the morning because you forget a majority of the emotions of the night before, but sometimes it’s merely that morning is morning and your heart still hurts. My heart…I don’t know if I can say it’s TRULY been broken. But felt the general sentiments related to heartbreaking or leading up to it, definitely. Then again, there were some points where I just felt entirely broken, but it wasn’t just my heart.

          • I don’t know…what constitutes a broken heart?
            I guess it depends.Entirely broken?

            • I think there are various levels. Like, broken romantically, broken in a friendship way, broken in that someone you loved has died or been lost to you in some form, like, there are so many ways I think a heart can be broken. Generally, I think we talk about the romance part when we use that phrase. For being entirely broken I think I mean feeling spiritually, physically, and emotionally wrought. Like when I broke my neck after recovering from surgery and it just felt like every single part of my life was destroyed. I was physically broken, mentally the recovering was hurting so much, spiritually I had no idea what God was doing and I couldn’t see why his plans allowed so much suffering, and emotionally – well that might be part of the mentally part, but I just felt alone. My life wasn’t truly destroyed, but on so many levels I was struggling that I felt that way. Those times were probably the worst times in my life where I really felt entirely broken…The blog post here is no where near that level of broken. Here I’m still recovering from my pain but I’m mostly just physically weak because it’s late, emotionally tired because of the loneliness, and spiritually distracted by my impatient longing for God to make me happy in the way I WANT, now. I felt a little bit broken. But mostly it was the emotional brokenness overwhelming me and making everything else feel worse. I think.

              • First off,thank you for replying to that.For taking all that time.
                I agree that there are various levels.
                And I just want to say-this is going to sound really,really insignificant and insufficient-I’m glad you’re better.
                I am so,so glad for you.

                • You’re welcome, your question about brokenness made me think, so I thought and typed out my thoughts. Thank you very much for being glad for me, I appreciate it. It’s good when we can support our fellow human beings and join in their strengths and healings, and I’m glad I am healing.

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