Being left out.
Not being strong enough.
Not being awake enough.
Not being happy enough.
Not being good enough.
Failing at everything in comparison.
Failing compared to others.
Failing compared to yourself.
Hurting. Just hurting. Whatever hurts, it is hurting and it won’t stop hurting.
Hurting because you want something you cannot have.
Hurting because you have something you do not want.
Hurting because you want nothing and you still have nothing. Hurting because there is nothing that you can want.
Sympathy, wanting them not to hurt. Empathy, hurting with them.
Pain. Promotes withdrawing from the damaging stimuli.
Hello Pain. You are a part of my life. You are a part of everyone’s life. I think I know you pretty well. I know you kind of well. I boast about our relationship more than I should like, but I’m merely an acquaintance compared to some of your friends, and few of them can even boast of really knowing you well. Sure, everyone knows you, or knows of you, that is. But how few really know what you are about, what you’re really like?
That instinct to retract your hand from a fire. That voice of common sense. That recognition that you have done something wrong, you have failed this situation somehow, and now your face is blushing with shame and you feel the pain of isolation. The pain of loneliness. Simply a warning. What about accidental pain? Pain that we have no control over, pain that is in no way our fault. How dare that pain enter our lives?
Not by choice, but not without care. I only hurt because my body knows that something is wrong. Something was wrong. It’s simply forgetting that whatever was wrong isn’t anymore. An inability to recognize the health. An inability to see that pain is no longer necessary. It’s not pain’s fault.
Not so much.
So it hurts.
It does hurt.
But the hurt just makes you stronger.
Because it can’t make you weaker.
Before you would never have been able to stand this pain.
Now you can.
You also can’t not stand it.
It just is, whether you like it or not.
But you’re handling it.
So you can help others handle it.
And when you get to a problem that you can’t seem to handle, you can go to someone else, and with their great pain experience they’ll help you handle it.
And when you can’t find anyone who’s suffered more than you and had more pain than you’re experiencing, look to God.
If anyone knows anything about pain and can help you through it, it’s the one who chose it in order to save his children from it, choosing pain out of love.
(composed May 30th, 2014)