Fishing

I throw out lines in the hope that I’ll catch something.

A conversation will start up.

A fish will take the bait.

I throw out lines and hope that you’ll respond…

and you respond,

but then it’s never enough.

I chase after temporary distractions and hopes and dreams,

temporary fulfillment,

because I’m temporarily lost.

Part of me wants to give up and save my energy for people I don’t have to reach out for.

Part of me thinks that communication takes effort.

If it takes this much effort…

Then clearly you don’t care.

Do you care?

I’m thinking maybe it’s that you don’t think I care.

But guys aren’t that complicated.

Do they shelter themselves from oncoming disappointment by not bothering with people that they don’t think like them?

Because that’s what I do.

And so I keep hoping that that’s what you’re doing and eventually you’ll realize I’m worth talking to…

But maybe you just don’t care at all.

Maybe there’s far too much going on in your life to bother.

Maybe you only care when I’m around and then forget me the rest of the time.

Conservation of friendship power…

It hurts, but it makes sense.

So I guess I have to go find friends who care. Friends who actually care about this friendship. Friends who want to talk and be present. It’s crazy feeling so lonely in a world so populated. It’s crazy feeling so sad when there is so much happiness and so much love around me.

This is probably why I love music so much. Why I love jamming and sharing my songs with people…because when I do that they are actually there. They surround me and see me and talk to me and appreciate me. I don’t disappear into nothing. I can’t throw out lines and be utterly ignored, because it’s hard to ignore someone who is a foot away from you, making eye-contact.

I love you and wish I could know you better, but clearly it’s time to give up fishing.

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

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