So, you wake up, about to go to the kitchen and brew a nice cup of tea and toast a piece of bread when you notice it, the sound of police sirens and ambulances screaming in the early morning. You peek through the curtains and stare into the street outside. Trash litters the sidewalk, cars sit with doors ajar, and mysterious bloody hand prints cover the glass windows. Sure, it could be just another day in a really horrible town, but then you notice people running and screaming while other people, with bloody faces and a crazy lost look of animal savagery in their eyes, chase them down. Yes, it’s day one of the zombie apocalypse.
Now, you may have heard some so-called “plans” for surviving a zombie apocalypse. But I’m telling you, most people have no idea what they’re talking about. So here’s what you got to do and what you should avoid.
First of all, you may want to grab a weapon. Don’t. Why? Because you have no experience attacking zombies. If you pick up an axe there’s a 50% chance you’ll hit the zombie, a 25% chance you’ll swing around too hard and hack yourself in half, a 25% chance you’ll kill one of your friends traveling with you. Not to mention the fact that while there’s the random 50% chance of hitting the zombie, the chance of you hitting the zombie and hitting them in the right spot to kill them is basically zero.
Secondly, someone may have mentioned a rumor that you should be “quiet and sneaky”. SURE, sneak around like a zombie so that other people think you’re a zombie and pick you off with their sniper rifles. GREAT IDEA. No. What you must do is (since your hands are free because you’re not carrying a weapon of course), get a boom box with batteries and turn it on to the Maximum volume on your favorite station. This has many benefits, firstly, other human beings will know you are coming, and will better be able to help and join forces with you, and secondly you will keep up your morale. Morale is important, because otherwise, why even bother surviving a zombie apocalypse to begin with? So you can sit around being miserable and cheering about the fact that you’re the last miserable survivor on the planet? No. Bring the Boom Box. (I’ll admit, radio stations may have some problems broadcasting after the apocalypse, so bring a tape or two for back up.)
Thirdly, head toward a heavily populated area, like a city or shopping mall. There you will likely find food and plenty of people to help you out in this difficult time. “What about the zombies?” You ask. There will be no zombies. Okay, yes, this is the zombie apocalypse, and yeah, it’s a heavily populated area. But one zombie cannot take out an entire city. Once the initial outbreak starts everyone will be on high alert, and sure, they won’t have weapons because of the risk of killing each other, but they probably threw their boom boxes on the first obvious zombies and then united in a strong front against them. In a city you have thousands of people used to a fast paced life, used to jumping at the first sign of danger, used to hitting muggers in the head with their handbags; cities know how to deal with zombies, so go to a city.
Fourth, travel by foot. Cars are death traps on wheels. Do you even know how to drive? “It will help me get places faster” you whine, “It will help carry supplies” you say, HA! In the mad rush of everybody stupidly abandoning the cities and heavily populated areas, all the roads will be blocked, and all the people will just be canned food on wheels for the zombies. On foot you can run, and you don’t have the inconvenience of all the “supplies” that you would have in a car, and deciding what is most important to keep and abandon at the last minute.
If you follow all of these steps closely, you should survive. Unless one of your friends that decided to go with you brought an axe. Then your body will be found by an unfortunate traveler in the middle of some desolate path that your friend convinced you was a “great idea” to walk on because it was so isolated that no zombies could possibly be on it.
(Draft saved November 27, 2013)