I have 47 drafts of unpublished posts for this blog, and so I’m trying to spiff up this one from last night so that it doesn’t join that graveyard of past writings.
Except this is merely an informational post, and I’m slightly tempted to just relate my conversation of destroyed sleeping schedules that my Mom and I just had, or theorize about the guy I have a crush on at the moment, or contemplate the joys of my friendship with this other male…
But since I totally just made this blog post about all of that without going into detail, I’ll move on to my main topic.
Here it is:
I am going to do stuff.
If you don’t know what that means, that’s only because I’m not quite sure what it means, but if I clarify it then I’ll definitely be held accountable to having some sort of a plan, or I’ll feel that way, so I might remain vague. Plus, I read once online that the more you talk about your plans, the less likely you are to do them, because they become cemented in your mind as though they’ve already happened. So vagueness is a definite plus, I’ll give you the background of my decision though.
Firstly, in an effort to be more involved with my readers and wordpress, and to have a bit of a community thing going here/feel more connected, I tend to visit the blogs of people who visit me. I was doing this yesterday, glancing at posts of people who liked my posts, and I came across a blog called beautybeyondbones, and I started reading it. After liking one post, I upped to stalker status and read and liked and commented on several more, and then I followed the blog, because I related to it.
I don’t have anorexia, or anything like that, if you know me at all you know vaguely that I had a fairly intense surgery three years ago Thursday (Woah, how time flies…), and as far as recovery goes, that’s all I’m really dealing with.
But reading her posts helped me think about what’s stopping me from being the best person I can be, and how my fears of failure are preventing me from even attempting to reach out to success.
It is my secret love. It is my secret hope. It brings joy to others when I share it with them, and a slew of questions about cd releases, upcoming shows, other songs I’ve written, and potential jam sessions. And I retort back with school troubles, lack of transportation, lack of inspiration, a need to actually phone people, and tiredness.
I want to be careful to not say too much, but I also want to say enough. I want to acknowledge where I am being a responsible adult and actually need to manage my time wisely, but I also want to acknowledge that there is more I can be doing and probably should be doing.
I don’t know if it’s even just with music. I’m sure I could be doing more with every aspect of my life. Basically, I need to put more faith in God and myself and actually try and seek out the things I want to do. Actually call venues and play more than two shows for the year. Actually finish recording my cd and sell it. Actually sing the songs that I write in my room for other people. Take a risk and actually do it.
Instead of remaining within the comfort of not failing by not trying for success.
I’ve been working on low level dream achievement. I put it on the side burners because I feel like I can’t handle it, like I need so much rest…but while I may have needed rest before, I think it’s finally time to step out and try. Try more.
Step one: Do everything I need to do today.
Step two: Do everything I want to do but put off.
Step three: Succeed.
So that was my post about how I plan to actually do something. It may not be my best post, and overtime I may realize that I’m already doing quite a lot, and maybe the something that I need to do is continue to be patient and work, but I’m letting my thoughts about future achievements exist here for a while. Here at least they’ll give me something to further think about, so that I can ponder whether I’ve become comfortable and frozen in a pattern that doesn’t actually help me grow, and think more on what I need to do to change it.