Monthly Archives: September 2015

ODR: Mother’s Day

She wasn’t the best behaved child, it’s true. Hours were spent merely trying to get her to stay in one place, to pick up a pencil, to do something that was anything she was asked to be doing.

I saw her mother hold the paper in her hand, I could see the faint outline of a heart on the other side, and elaborate designs all alongside the paper. It was a Mother’s Day card, typed.
Her Mom looked at it, and smiling and happy, said “What does this mean? I don’t understand it, I’ll read it later, you have to go to your lesson.”

The small child started to pout, started to shuffle her feet, started to slip into the I-Will-Do-Absolutely-Nothing-But-Sulk mode. “NO! Read it now!” She half shouted and half complained.

The Mother softly obliged, began reading and then spoke again in a laughing voice, to excuse the words, “But, I don’t understand it. What did you write here? That “you are happy that I’m alive”? What does that mean? It doesn’t make sense. You have to have it make sense, now go to your lesson.”

The little girl stood, twisting her juice box in her hands, letting fruit punch drip onto the floor and her shirt and her hands, twisting and sipping, leaning on the wall, visibly upset and angry.

“No!” She yelled again, “I didn’t even want you to read it!” She snatched the letter from her Mother’s hands, crumpled it up, and threw it into the recycling bin. “Go to class silly,” her Mother lightheartedly responded, as if the last few moments had no impact on her daughter at all.

She did not go to class. She wandered, she sulked, she went and sat in a chair next to her mother, who I now noticed, was straightening out a crumpled sheet of paper and trying to read it again.

At some point her Mother shooed her away. Eventually the daughter came into the classroom and I tried very hard to distract her into learning, while she sat in the office chair, spinning in circles, falling out of the chair, and chewing on the straw from her crumpled juice box.

(May 2014)

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited


I cry

and He puts the people that I need in my life

to wipe away my tears.

I laugh

because there are people in my life

through all the years.

He loves me through every one of them, and I love back and try to be like Him.

Praise the Lord.


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Filed under Love Poems

Waking up at normal hours…

So, because of my interest in a guy and my love of Christ, I woke up early Saturday morning to go to Mass and breakfast.

I wasn’t going to, but I recently went to a day reflection type of thing on our gifts and what God’s calling us to do, and at some point the speaker mentioned how sometimes when she has to leave super early for a plane flight, she wakes up at some crazy time in the morning (like…3am) so that she has plenty of time to start her day with prayer. And even though she gets like three hours of sleep on those days, she never feels fatigued. Her point was that because God wants you to talk to him and be with him, and he’s not gonna be like, “Oh, you woke up early to spend time with me in prayer and sacrificed sleep for me, now I will make you MISERABLE all day because you got less sleep!”

So I decided to test this theory and see whether it helped me wake up in the morning.

And I was like, God, the lady at the talk said that you wouldn’t make me miserable, and I probably don’t need to sleep in until noon like I usually do, and that guy I enjoy spending time with is the one who invited me, so if you want me to be there, I will wake up when my alarm goes off.

My eyes were open by the second ring.

So I went to mass and had an exceedingly pleasant day, and while I wasn’t super fatigued, I was definitely in bed by 10pm…

And as I drifted off to sleep I thought…Oh yeah, that nice lady from Church invited me to the 9am mass at her parish, but I am never up in time for those, I usually go to 1pm mass and then just…do nothing with the rest of my day…However, I suppose if I wake up and feel awake I could go…

And four minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my leg started cramping and I woke up and stretched it, and then I was awake, and basically, I went to 9am mass.

Of course, the day I end up going is the same day as their Church festival, and so as a result of waking up early a second day in a row, I talked to a bunch of cool Church people, wound up with a bag of pan dulce, got to see some really joyful tap dancers who were probably mostly in their 70s, and did everything I usually did in a Sunday and more before the time I usually wake up on Sundays…

The point here is that now I’ll probably be conveniently sleepy at 10pm and I’ll probably continue this cycle of waking up early and doing stuff and I think my life may permanently be changed…I may end up being a morning person, and God snuck me into it by having people invite me to do things.

Now I have a bunch of hours of daylight left, so I have to go do things and productively enjoy my Sunday or rest or something. I don’t know….I have so much time when I sleep at normal hours.


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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

The Trolley Problem

So, while I was google searching the name of some crazy philosopher who thought small children could be disposed of until age 4 because until that point they couldn’t be independent or something, I started reading a bunch of crazy philosophies and ethical questions and I came across something called THE TROLLEY PROBLEM.

Here’s what it is, according to wikipedia:  “The trolley problem is a thought experiment in ethics. The general form of the problem is this: There is a runaway trolley barreling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there are five people tied up and unable to move. The trolley is headed straight for them. You are standing some distance off in the train yard, next to a lever. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, you notice that there is one person on the side track. You have two options: (1) Do nothing, and the trolley kills the five people on the main track. (2) Pull the lever, diverting the trolley onto the side track where it will kill one person. Which is the correct choice?”

So I read this problem, pondered it for a while, opened a new search window and went back to searching for my heartless philosopher, and then as I was closing down internet windows at 2am and attempting to get ready to sleep, I found myself back on the Trolley page. So I decided to read some of the theoretical solutions to it, because I was rather stumped, and after I’d read them all I realized the one solution that nobody seemed to think of.

Namely, if you flip the switch so that it heads toward the one man, then WHY CAN’T YOU JUST YELL AT THE MAN TO GET OFF THE TRACK?

He’s not tied to the track. He’s willfully choosing to stand on the track of his own accord. If the train comes toward him, he should have the wisdom to get off the stinkin’ track! I mean, seriously.

Why is the man even standing on the track in the first place?  There are a mess of people all lined up to get run over by the first track, and he’s like across the way just chilling, doesn’t he see the people on the first track? Why isn’t HE helping them? AND if he’s not gonna help then just get off the track dude!

So my point here, is that I would flip the switch while screaming “GET OFF THE TRACK” and expect the man to high-tail it out of there. If he gets crushed then that’s an unfortunate side effect of him STANDING ON TRAIN TRACKS, not hearing me yelling, not noticing the people tied up on the other track, and not hearing or seeing the train coming straight toward him.

Sure, there is the risk that he’s like, he’s tied to the track as well, but my goal is to save the 5 people by re-routing the track, and I’m hoping that he’s gonna move.

Does this conflict with my not killing anyone post?

Because I still think we should not kill people, but if the people is a person standing on a train track and ignoring the oncoming train, shouts, and tied up people, then I think they have a death wish.

And while I don’t want to help them fulfill that death wish, I don’t want their death wish standing in front of 5 people’s life wishes…Yeah

Okay, that’s all. PEACE!

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Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited, Various writing

ODR: Thinking about Life

The next oldest draft I had sitting in my draft pile was from December 2013, and simply spoke of my sadness over human beings being killed.

I’ve read some stuff that’s pro-choice, I’ve read some stuff that’s pro-life,

and all I have to say is that I don’t hate women, I don’t hate freedom, I want people to be happy and live fulfilled and satisfying lives, achieving all of their greatest dreams,

it’s merely that I include unborn human beings in that category.

I merely think that an unborn life is worth no less than a born one.

I think both are important.

I don’t think either one should be killed for any reason.

I think that when it comes to someone living or not living, another person should be able to make a sacrifice so that someone else lives.

That’s all.

I know we could talk about the rights of the woman…The right to do what you want with “your body”, the rights of “your future”, your career, your hopes, your dreams….and it’s just…Those may temporarily be on hold, but when you have an abortion, that human’s dreams, that human’s future, is ended.

Maybe, maybe your life is changed dramatically…Is it as dramatic as being ended entirely?

So that’s all. I just believe that the unborn person is a person as much as you and I are people.

Not a lump of cells.

Not an indeterminate mass.

It’s the product of the reproductive system, reproducing, creating life, life has been created.

I just think that life should be allowed to live.

Love and peace,

– cdukulele



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Smoothing out the roller coaster thoughts because God is good.

I feel like my blog just kinda is. Like, I’ll randomly post a poem, and then I’ll throwback to some draft I never published, and then I’ll update you on current events in my life, and it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It lacks the cohesiveness that it once kinda sorta had, like where I was panicked about recovering from surgery and college, and then panicked about non-existent relationships, and then panicked about grad school, and then panicked about non-existent relationships. I suppose I may be over-estimating its former cohesiveness.

At any rate, I’m here, updating this lovely blog with a current post and not just dusting off an old draft, because I feel like I should do that every couple of days. It’s possible that I post too frequently, but between gradschool and not hanging out with the friends I wish I had, I have a lot of free time. The time isn’t exactly free, but my options are like, a. do piles of homework, b. sobbingly munch on comfort foods, c. watch netflix, d. scroll my facebook newsfeed and hope that someone will talk to me, or e. write a blog post. With those options I tend to choose the blog post, because then at least I have the excuse of being reflective while I don’t get anything super useful done.

So yeah, reflective time… Last year around now I was sobbing every other day because grad school overwhelmed me by adding homework and class to what I had to do with my time, and I was really sad about my lack of freedom. I also didn’t have a license and my few friendships were with guys I had crushes on who did not feel the same way about me. My physical therapy was still pretty pathetic, my body hurt more than it did now, and overall I think I was probably depressed.

This school year so far I have only really sobbed once. It was three hours before my very first class for the semester, and I was questioning God and breaking down, wondering why life was so miserable. Then I went to class and our professor gave a twenty-minute inspiring speech about how she got to where she was today and the tears she shed and the suffering she went through and how it was all worth it…I took that as a sign, and now I just keep seeing the positives of my situation and the negatives aren’t too much to bear.

I also now have a license, and with that I have spent more time developing my friendships with people who aren’t guys that I have unrequited crushes on, and while I am still often lonely, I have at least one female friend who can’t wait to hang out with me every week. Plus, a year of school has developed my friendships with people further, and I have support and people I can talk to about school, at least, and school friends who go to the gym with me, furthering my physical healing.

After a year of pulling through and venting and crying and questioning, I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my future. I don’t know if I really want to be a teacher, or if I’m dashing my dreams of music entirely…but I do know that while I’ve been suffering and pathetically responding to my situation, by actually trying at this teaching thing I’ve managed to improve my life in just about every way in the last two years.

I thought I was going downhill, but apparently I’m still going up.

…and while I just spent the last hour not doing homework I definitely think it wasn’t wasted.

Thank you for being there on this journey.

I’ll probably break down again in a couple of weeks, or like, right before my big project is due tomorrow evening, but in the mean time I’m just gonna try to appreciate the beauty of the life God has giving me and how everything is working out, even if it’s not as expected, or even if it’s not in the time I want it to.

Also, you can look forward to more roller coaster blasts from the past, because I have like, 30 other drafts from last year that I haven’t posted.


(P.S. The Pope is in America and I’m Catholic. Life rocks. Like the rock of the Church. Peter. The first Pope. OH YEAH.)


Filed under Cdukulele's life.

ODR: Guys shouldn’t be allowed to wear tank tops.

I probably shouldn’t be dictating rules about what people are and are not allowed to wear, but seriously:

Either 1, they look horrible in them, or 2, their muscles show and all you can do is gawk at their arms.

This is a lose-lose situation in my mind.

Am I ridiculous? I might be ridiculous.

But I don’t want to be distracted by the unattractiveness or attractiveness of a man’s arms.

Oh my goodness, I’m ridiculous.

OKOKOK, Maybe if you’re a guy and you’re just hot -temperature wise-, so you’re wearing a tank top…I suppose.

But seriously…Any one else think…no..

It’s just me, isn’t it?

And it’s just this particular ex-crush.

..and the fact that I need any reason to blame him for being adorable

…so that I don’t like him anymore..

things wrong….with…my…mind.


Okay, I must merely accept the fact that this particular man has fairly attractive arms, and there is nothing wrong with accepting that. Except that that is a ridiculous thing to be attracted to.

I am attracted to muscular arms.


These are details about me that no one ever needs to know.

I should never have started this post.

Or maybe I’m simply revealing the fact that once you like someone, you’ll find a million other reasons to like them.

Like, they have nice arms.

Because that’s totally the first thing to look for in a significant other.


But it is something you will notice when you already like someone. Maybe.

I dunno.

Now, proceed to rant and rave below about how ridiculous I am.


(Thoughts from September of 2014)


Filed under ODR: Old Drafts Revisited, Various writing