Spoiler: I actually have friends.
SOOOO, over the course of the summer I had a friend visiting me from a faraway land, it’s the same friend I visited last year who convinced me to get over the boy who sent me an inappropriate text. ANYWAY, she (I will now name her Merida) visited and we hung out in my hometown, and we went places, and she met precisely one of my friends. And the one friend she happened to meet was a guy friend of mine. A COMPLETELY different guy friend than the bad texting one, and one whom actually treats me decently because he treats everyone decently and his main goal in life is to get to heaven and he reflects that fact brilliantly. And so, Merida met my guy friend (who I shall now name Christopher) and we were totally chill, we just said hi for like five seconds, because Merida and I had to go somewhere else, and then later Merida and I were just chilling by ourselves and she was all “Do you like Christopher?” and I was like, “Whaaaaat?” and basically, I’m forgetting the details of the conversation, but I’m pretty sure I admitted something along the lines of, “Merida, it’s me, Catherine, I like every guy I meet who is a friend of mine and super nice and not generally unattractive.” And she was like “Uh huh” and then we couldn’t say anymore because we were at the drive in with my brother and he had just gotten back to the car.
So that was like…OH, almost a month a go, and since then I’ve been pondering Merida’s questioning and my acknowledging, and I decided to bury those feelings away and ignore them because Christopher just loves everyone and doesn’t LIKE me in that way. Then I was chilling with Christopher recently, and we are both musically inclined, and basically he told me I should learn a song that we were singing to in the radio as he drove me home from this awesome Christian talk that he convinced me to go to, and I forgot all about it and started to play the song today, and it’s intense. Like I was listening to it and reading the lyrics and suddenly I felt like they were singing exactly what was in my heart about Christopher. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. Now that I think about it. Because the song is “I try” by Macy Gray, and just, no. I am not that much crazy about Christopher.
I probably just generally have a problem where I feel like I need particular people in my life in order to make it happy and worthwhile and then when they leave my life I’m lost and completely lonely. That’s not liking someone, it’s just an issue with my own ability to be content or something.
I don’t know. It just seems like I’m always ready to fall for somebody, and I keep looking for signs that I am and trying to prove it because falling for someone is so much more interesting to me than being alone.
But really, the emotions that these songs bring up could be applied to any number of my unrequited crushes and so it probably just reminds me of all of them at once.
It was overwhelming.
You should go listen to the song now.
I’m trying to play it on ukulele and it’s not going super well, but it’s a lovely song, and I’m ending this post so it will give you something to do.