I stayed up til 4am last night.
Actually, I tried to go to sleep at 2:30am, and then after an hour I was still awake, and so I started drawing. My drawing skills are limited, but now I have half a sheet of stick figure representations of all the other times in my life I was up at 4am and why.
Like when I was recovering from surgery in the hospital and it was like, the seventh night in and I just sat in my bed and stared at the clock and wondered if this was what purgatory was like. Because time didn’t really exist, but the pain and waiting and wishing something new would happen did. I stared at the wall and tried to make out the clock that was half hidden in shadows, and at one point I thought it said four, and two hours later I thought it said two, and then at some point it was five and the sun might have been going up, and it was basically one of the longest nights I can remember. My drawing for it is a crude sketch of a wall with a clock and my circle face on a box bed staring at it. I can sketch a lifelike shoe, but a person, forget that.
Then I sketched when I stayed up til past four before my surgery, watching Netflix in an attempt to numb the fear about it all. Sketch of me reading till the sun went up for similar reasons. Sketch of post-surgery 4am medications. Sketch of post-surgery recovery gone bad and myself in a neckbrace. Sketch sketch sketch. The sketches were pretty much just all reflections of that surgery time because sometimes I let my life revolve around it and I’m thinking that I’m maybe not over it entirely yet.
I figured getting all the sketches out would make me feel better.
Help me recognize that it’s okay to be hurt sometimes and weak and that you’re not perfect all the time and you’ve overcome a lot.
Is it a pity party?
Am I throwing myself so-called pity parties?
Because I kinda think what it is is, I’m struggling with something in my life, so I’m going to reflect on all the other troubles I’ve faced, and recognize that this new struggle hurts too, just like those did. Ultimately though, I made it through those struggles, which means ultimately, I’ll make it through this one.
Last night I think I was more focused on the first half of that thought though. Now that it’s daytime I can think of the positive implications of staying up til 4am illustrating the tragedies of my life. Which of course include that I survived them.