Monthly Archives: August 2015

Poem: Don’t know much

I don’t know why I care so much, sometimes I wish I didn’t.
I don’t know why I want you here, but life just seems so empty without you in it.
I don’t like these jealousies, and for them there’s no excuse.
I’d give them up entirely, I hope they’ll be forgotten from disuse.

I don’t know why I care so much or what happened to begin it,
I don’t recall being swept off my feet or the falling, but I know I’m in it.
I don’t know what makes you so beautiful, so shining, such a delight,
All I know is that I feel more whole when you are in my sight.

I know it’s not just the way you look, because I didn’t notice that
Until I noticed what makes you you, and that is where I am at,
Noticing who you really are and how your beauty shines
More than just the sculpture of your face and body lines.

I don’t know why I care so much, but you’re something to care about
You’re beautiful in every important way and it makes me want to shout
Glory to God for making you, you’re such a treasure here
Glory to God, and now I’ll pray that somehow you’ll be near.

In space, in time, in friendship or love
In spirit, in soul, in any way God above
Deems right or perfect or true or saving,
For me to be with you I’m aiming.
I’ll accept what I’m given,
I’ll probably pray for more,
I don’t know why exactly,
I may never be sure,
but for reasons of love I want to be with you
and for reasons of love I wish you’d want to be with me too.

Maybe I know why I care so much, and why I wish I didn’t
Because you’re such a joy to love, and life’s not as good without you in it.

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Love Poems

On the other side

When things like this happen I begin to wonder which is worse, to be the unrequited lover, or to be the beloved with a heart.
Being the object of someone’s affections totally sucks when you have no feelings toward them, or like, worse than that, when your feelings toward them are negative.
I mean, if I just had NO FEELINGS for this person, then my heart could probably be persuaded over time. But like, I just don’t like this person.
Of course, not liking can also be persuaded away, but I just…I don’t want to lead them on.
Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them.

Maybe they just want to be friends?

…being the unrequited lover is definitely worse. Poor guy. How to let him down gently?
How to be kind and courteous and Christian and not make him think things I don’t want him to, like specifically that I like him as something more than a friend.
I kinda don’t even know if I want to be friends with him.
Is that bad?
Like I think we don’t have anything in common and he is kinda boring to me.
Do I sound bad?
You’re allowed to not wanna be friends with people sometimes, right?
I mean, I still want him to be a happy individual and don’t want him to suffer or anything, I just don’t particularly think hanging out will bring me any joy.
Which, I don’t want to sound selfish, but how bad would it be if you’re hanging out with someone and you find out that the only reason they are hanging out with you is because they feel bad, and not because they genuinely enjoy your company?

I mean, sure, sometimes, people just hang with people and are there for them, and this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about I don’t want to go to coffee with a guy when it seems very date-like, and I don’t want him to think I want to date him.

And now I quickly realize that I am just putting him into a little box and not realizing what potentially great friend material he could be. I could be his friend. UH. probably. I mean, as long as I start to feel less like he’s flirting with me.

I feel like a hypocrite. Am I a hypocrite? I mean, every other post I have is about my unrequited feelings for men, and now that a guy likes me that I don’t like, I’m just like squirming to get away from him.
How am I so unfeeling towards him?
But I think the difference is, I developed friendships with the people I had crushes on, and the feelings developed after we had mutually spent time together and it wasn’t me putting them in situations where they were forced to spend time with me by myself. I mean, I invited them to events and things, but it was never like: we should chill, together, by ourselves, and talk. I didn’t do that to people.
I developed unrequited affections for people who were mutually interested/my friends to some degree already. This guy is barely my acquaintance and now wants me to commit to spending time talking just to him.

…I need to invite other people. Find a way to invite other people.
I can agree to chill with him, but it will only be in a situation in which I can bring other people so that it’s not like a date.
I can be his friend, but I’m not gonna date him.
No sir.

Okay well, that’s my one story of a guy having a crush on me that I don’t like for the year.

Maybe the next guy that likes me I’ll like back.
That’d be pleasant.

In the mean time, more unrequited love stories where my love is rejected are to come, because that’s how things tend to work out for me.

Side note: Have you ever been on the opposite end of unwanted affections? What did you do, how did you feel? Let me know about it in the comments below or write a post and link it back to me. I want to know how human beings deal with this. It will give me insight to my own behavior and also how I might potentially be perceived by the people I pursue. Thanks.

– cdukulele, the object of a random guy’s affections for once (That makes me feel more special and appreciative of the guy. I still don’t want him to think I like him in that way though. It’s better for both of us if that doesn’t happen.)

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

I try

Spoiler: I actually have friends.

SOOOO, over the course of the summer I had a friend visiting me from a faraway land, it’s the same friend I visited last year who convinced me to get over the boy who sent me an inappropriate text. ANYWAY, she (I will now name her Merida) visited and we hung out in my hometown, and we went places, and she met precisely one of my friends. And the one friend she happened to meet was a guy friend of mine. A COMPLETELY different guy friend than the bad texting one, and one whom actually treats me decently because he treats everyone decently and his main goal in life is to get to heaven and he reflects that fact brilliantly. And so, Merida met my guy friend (who I shall now name Christopher) and we were totally chill, we just said hi for like five seconds, because Merida and I had to go somewhere else, and then later Merida and I were just chilling by ourselves and she was all “Do you like Christopher?” and I was like, “Whaaaaat?” and basically, I’m forgetting the details of the conversation, but I’m pretty sure I admitted something along the lines of, “Merida, it’s me, Catherine, I like every guy I meet who is a friend of mine and super nice and not generally unattractive.” And she was like “Uh huh” and then we couldn’t say anymore because we were at the drive in with my brother and he had just gotten back to the car.

So that was like…OH, almost a month a go, and since then I’ve been pondering Merida’s questioning and my acknowledging, and I decided to bury those feelings away and ignore them because Christopher just loves everyone and doesn’t LIKE me in that way. Then I was chilling with Christopher recently, and we are both musically inclined, and basically he told me I should learn a song that we were singing to in the radio as he drove me home from this awesome Christian talk that he convinced me to go to, and I forgot all about it and started to play the song today, and it’s intense. Like I was listening to it and reading the lyrics and suddenly I felt like they were singing exactly what was in my heart about Christopher. WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. Now that I think about it. Because the song is “I try” by Macy Gray, and just, no. I am not that much crazy about Christopher.

I probably just generally have a problem where I feel like I need particular people in my life in order to make it happy and worthwhile and then when they leave my life I’m lost and completely lonely. That’s not liking someone, it’s just an issue with my own ability to be content or something.

I don’t know. It just seems like I’m always ready to fall for somebody, and I keep looking for signs that I am and trying to prove it because falling for someone is so much more interesting to me than being alone.

But really, the emotions that these songs bring up could be applied to any number of my unrequited crushes and so it probably just reminds me of all of them at once.

It was overwhelming.

You should go listen to the song now.

I’m trying to play it on ukulele and it’s not going super well, but it’s a lovely song, and I’m ending this post so it will give you something to do.

Farewell!

-Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

School and Scrabble and Stuff.

It’s August, I took two months off and then hopped right back into the blogging with a save-the-babies post and some poems. Now I’m just gonna update peeps on my life.

First of all, I start my second year of grad school in like five days. I’m rather amazed the first year is already over and I survived it, considering the amount of tears I shed over it. Plans for this upcoming year include carpooling, making more friends, and not having panic attacks at 2am.

Second of all, I’ve been getting back into doing my physical therapy exercises, after a several week hiatus in which I was simply running around the entire state with one of my old school friends, and was too exhausted to ever actually do my stretches. I’m supposed to do like, three sets of 15 wall push ups or something, like four times a day, along with several other core strengthening exercises, and today I did two sets and then got bored and just did 70 in a row. I didn’t think it would negatively impact me too much, but now my hand feels funny so I think I overstretched it or something in the process. I’m mildly concerned about this, but mostly it just encourages me to stop exercising, so…eh.

Third of all, I’ve been playing a lot of Spanish scrabble online in an effort to pretend I’m learning Spanish, and first Spanish guys started flirting with me, and I had to deal with that, and then I started a new game today and it keeps freezing and playing all my rounds without my control. The plus side to this is that for once I am obliterating my opponent, but the negative side is that the computer is completely in control and I don’t know why and I am concerned. So I removed the app from the device it was on and am hoping that this isn’t a sign of the dawn of the empire of the computers.

Fourth of all, if it wasn’t clear from the fact that the major substance of this post is about me exercising and playing computer games, I am unemployed and the one friend I had this summer returned back to her home thousands of miles away, so I am unemployed and utterly alone. However, I am doing a ukulele concert in another couple weeks and I should get a couple bucks for that, so that’s kinda like being employed. Plus, after concerts people tend to talk to me, and so for a little while it’s like I have friends in real life. Plus the school thing, that should make friends too.

Anyway, that’s my life and now I gotta go do something…probably…like….watch the computer play Spanish scrabble for me.

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No coquetear conmigo.

All I have to say is I’m playing Spanish scrabble online and I discovered too late that my profile picture was visible. After translating a couple key words from the generally friendly multicultural coversation, I’ve decided that learning how to say “don’t flirt with me” in Spanish might come in handy. I also made my profile picture disappear.

It’s two am, I should be asleep, but I thought it was important to share this…In case I accidentally become engaged to a Barcelonan or something.

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Filed under Various writing

When you’re up at 4am.

I stayed up til 4am last night.
Actually, I tried to go to sleep at 2:30am, and then after an hour I was still awake, and so I started drawing. My drawing skills are limited, but now I have half a sheet of stick figure representations of all the other times in my life I was up at 4am and why.
Like when I was recovering from surgery in the hospital and it was like, the seventh night in and I just sat in my bed and stared at the clock and wondered if this was what purgatory was like. Because time didn’t really exist, but the pain and waiting and wishing something new would happen did. I stared at the wall and tried to make out the clock that was half hidden in shadows, and at one point I thought it said four, and two hours later I thought it said two, and then at some point it was five and the sun might have been going up, and it was basically one of the longest nights I can remember. My drawing for it is a crude sketch of a wall with a clock and my circle face on a box bed staring at it. I can sketch a lifelike shoe, but a person, forget that.
Then I sketched when I stayed up til past four before my surgery, watching Netflix in an attempt to numb the fear about it all. Sketch of me reading till the sun went up for similar reasons. Sketch of post-surgery 4am medications. Sketch of post-surgery recovery gone bad and myself in a neckbrace. Sketch sketch sketch. The sketches were pretty much just all reflections of that surgery time because sometimes I let my life revolve around it and I’m thinking that I’m maybe not over it entirely yet.
I figured getting all the sketches out would make me feel better.
Help me recognize that it’s okay to be hurt sometimes and weak and that you’re not perfect all the time and you’ve overcome a lot.
Is it a pity party?
Am I throwing myself so-called pity parties?
Because I kinda think what it is is, I’m struggling with something in my life, so I’m going to reflect on all the other troubles I’ve faced, and recognize that this new struggle hurts too, just like those did. Ultimately though, I made it through those struggles, which means ultimately, I’ll make it through this one.
Last night I think I was more focused on the first half of that thought though. Now that it’s daytime I can think of the positive implications of staying up til 4am illustrating the tragedies of my life. Which of course include that I survived them.
Boo-yah.

-Me

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Spotlight

Being on stage, being viewed,
looking out at all of you,
faces from throughout my life,
the times of joy and times of strife,
all united to watch me
be.

In that moment it could be bad, reflecting on the trials had,
I could fail and flail and sink
I could merely stand and blink.
Awkward stares could meet my eyes
shifting girls and wary guys,
I could miss the mark completely,
and make you all wish you couldn’t see me.

Strangely though, I share my heart,
my poems in song, my life in art,
you see my sides, light and dark,
and in those moments, despite the stark
revelation of who I am,
of what I think and what I can’t and can
do and say and be and show, despite all that, and while I’ll never quite know,
you love and smile and applaud and cheer,
and make me feel so very dear.

So I stand on stage and take the risk
of being loved or not being missed,
just to remember that moment clear
of being thought of and held dear
just for being all myself
for sharing the joys and pain I’ve felt
for going on stage and being me,
and finding out that I’m okay to be.

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Filed under All Poetry