Failure to communicate

Some very lovely person nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award, and I was going to do all the rules and stuff that it required to get my very special award, but after spending a half hour working on the post, and the an additional two hours trying to find 15 other bloggers to nominate, I gave up with plans to finish it at a future date.

Since then I’ve been overwhelmed by life and I can’t go any longer without a post, so I’m breaking the promise I made to that nominator that whatever I posted next would be about that.

I can’t handle it.

Anyway, my life lately is its usual mix of problems, stressed by school, stressed by my general level of perceived failure, stressed by the dichotomy of being called to love my brothers and sisters in Christ and wanting to forget certain people ever existed…

First I was sick for a week, then I went out all weekend and enjoyed my life instead of staying inside and doing all of my homework for the next month so I wouldn’t feel so stressed, like I planned, and now another week of grad school has come upon me, and I haven’t even played ukulele for like, two weeks…which is too long.

So I just started composing another bitter song about a guy, and it’s the first time I’ve played my ukulele in at least a week, so life has been pretty difficult.

I might have a bitter song about a maladjusted male incapable of friendship breaking hearts just in time for Valentine’s day. Sweet.

Plus, it’s totally inspired by real life that is currently happening…Or texts messages just received in the last four hours, and a broken friendship that has been going on for far too long.

It’s also heavily biased, as all my songs are, possibly to the point of fictionalization…The feelings are real though. …HA. Feelings. So apt to change.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated by life, guys, school, my health, computer programs, the messy state of my room, aches, how I’m not attracted to the guys who are probably completely kindhearted gentlemen of Christ that I come across, and I have this stupid obsession with actually being attracted to a potential suitors, and how I could hardly define any guy I’ve ever had any communication with ever as a suitor, and how everything is just flippin’ annoying and I’m frustrated. (As a side note, typing “suitors” in yahoo search, which apparently is my internet browser’s go to search engine now :P, brings up Odysseus in regards to Penelope’s suitors…at least one thing is right with the world.)

Plus, I just did an online assignment, and I put like, 3 hours of work into this ridiculous thing, and when I went to post, the same post got posted twice, and I didn’t find out about it until a half hour after the assignment was due, and then I fixed it, but now I probably won’t even get the 1 stupid point that the assignment was worth, because I was too hasty to re-read what I posted a second time.

So yeah, and then, I’m frustrated about the guy who doesn’t communicate with me except to tell me that he wants to talk on the phone, and then when we do talk it’s all about his life and his plans, and I can’t tell him about me because whenever he asks I don’t want to tell him anything because I don’t trust him and I pretty much marked off this relationship friendship thing as merely an excuse for him to vent, and so far, he hasn’t seemed to notice, which makes me want to share even less, and I really should either just talk to him about it, or freeze him out entirely, and I am way too worn out, and don’t even want to deal with him or really have him in my life, because I see no good coming from it.

My life is doing a very great job of trying to be the death of me right now. I need more tea and less tears and more friends and less of these friend-zoned-not-even-a-friend people, and I need to get to a point in my life where I can get past the part where I’m overwhelmed by life and just handle it again. Maybe it’ll help if I stop saying “need” so much? Maybe it’ll help if I go off the grid, and the only people who can contact me are the people I see in person or my long-distance friends via e-mail? Maybe it’ll help if my best friend resurfaces on the face of the planet because she’s just disappeared for the last month and I would totally call her family if I had their number?

…The other day I just wanted to be abandoned at a Church so I could crumple in a ball in some corner, unnoticed and unusable, and just pray and cry and cry until God just tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, it’s okay, now here is how you do everything, and here’s the plan for what you need to do, I’m with you, let’s do it!” I also wanted to smash plates. I was angry and depressed and holding it all in and ridiculously laughing at the pain in my life, and at some point I cried.

I’m hurting dear sisters and brothers in Christ. I’m hurting fellow inhabitants of the world. I’m hurting and I don’t flippin’ know what to do, and I’m pretty sure the first step is communicate.

I talked to the family and they not know.

I need to talk to God.

I need to go on a retreat.

I haven’t time to go on a retreat.

I need to survive until the retreat.

I need to keep trudging, broken and wounded, and not even knowing why or how, until I can finally stop and heal.

Because life just keeps going and I’m being pulled along…OHMYGOSH, like a dead dog. (Chesterton. Everlasting Man*).

I have got to fight the stupid current. But if it was a current it would be easier…I might be fighting the current right now.

If you lost my train of thought, you can wait at the station, next thought is leaving in five….four….three…two…

I should probably just go to sleep, things are better in the morning. In the morning I think “Must survive this day, must survive this day, do A, B, and C, survive today and move on”, in the evening I think “Today was horrible, I don’t want to have to go through that again tomorrow, there has to be a better way, I am trapped in an endless circle of suffering through my days, Oh my Lord, really? Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough in my brief twenty-three years of life? Don’t I get a free pass to be happy now? Don’t I get sunshine and flowers and people showering me with love and money and the answers to all of my life problems? Don’t I get something!??? SOMETHING BESIDES THIS???? ” and then I cry, and my Mom tells me to go to bed, and then the next day it’s “Just get out of bed. Just do all the homework you have to do. Just eat something because otherwise your stomach hurts from hunger. Be nice to your niece. Do the rest of your homework. Try to dress warm for school. Go to school. Enjoy walking outside. Be intelligent in the classroom. Leave school….Start to dwell on the fact that you have more work and will simply repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next for the next year until you get a degree to go teach the stuff that you have been biting your tongue while learning.”

Yep, that’s my life.

I’m going to go make a list of what I enjoy now, and try to figure out how to make myself happier, because this has been incredibly depressing. I apologize. Especially because I ate ice cream today. A person with access to ice cream should not be allowed to complain as much as I do. But I do. Because ice cream can’t buy happiness.

And in case you were wondering, what Chesterton said was: “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”

-cdukulele

P.S. Please don’t be depressed because of me, I wish you only feelings of happiness and contentment, I in no way want my pain to impact your level of satisfaction with life. It’ll probably be okay. Eventually.

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8 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

8 responses to “Failure to communicate

  1. Sending you some loving thoughts, I am and I am not where you are. Some days I am in that darkness, and others I let the light in. Its not easy. And finding the healing to escape the darkness is hard to do alone also. I feel like you do in the morning everyday, and seldom can I say it has been a good day.

    I keep making positive posts in the morning about new beginnings and change, but when the night comes along I just feel like I have hit a wall and that my happy posts are just lies.

    What I try now is to not focus about the bad that has happen in the day, instead I try to focus on my happiness in the next day. What I can do in the next day to smile, or feel some joy. If I think about that before I go to sleep instead of all the mistakes and hurt in the day I have just had, I get some kind of a good sleep.

    Sorry for my rambling, just felt your post so deeply.

    Love and light to you ❀

    • Thank you Maria! It helps when people share your feelings, even when they are not so pleasant ones, it’s nice to be understood. I’m better today, I gave in and played a ukulele rant in my room for the hour before I had to leave for class, and then I forgot necessary things for class, like earphones and dressing not like a pre-teen girl, so I wound up going to my grad class in three layers of t-shirts, the outermost being an advertisement for Jake Shimabukuro. I’ve decided to give up a little bit, to do my okayest, which is currently my best, and just make sure there is still time for me…Like tonight I stayed up crazy late and spent 100 dollars shopping online…for shoes. Because nobody in the world sells size 13 shoes. It was my first online attempt at buying clothes/shoes, and I’ve always wanted to do it, so I just did it. I’m starting to ramble now…But I feel better. I think my point is that I was overwhelmed and am overwhelmed but now I’m making an effort, and today, at least, I did something for me. Plus there was a giant Church party today, so that didn’t hurt my happiness levels. Two kind ladies older than my mother complimented me, and other kind elderly ladies were just chatting with me all night, and it felt nice to be loved and welcomed and to be there for them, to be able to listen, to want to listen, to share life and food with people. It helped me forget about school for a bit. Anyway, I’m sorry that you struggle in ways like and unlike mine Maria, I hope you can find some joy and peace, whether it be in finding new joy in talking to complete strangers who apparently have known you since you were four (church ladies), or buying shoes online for the first time, or taking time out to play ukulele…or write. Writing, cuz I’m projecting the ukulele playing, but bloggers usually write.

      Thank you, love and prayers back at ya, – Catherine

  2. Oh,it will most definitely be okay.
    Just hold on.There will be lucky breaks.
    There will be good times.
    And if ice cream doesn’t work, try chocolate and a good book with some beautiful music.Fixes a lot of stuff,that.
    And vent through blog posts.That definitely helps,too. :)))
    Stay strong,sis.

    • Thank you awitchwithawand, I appreciate you, and there will be good stuff. Hopefully. I mean, yes. I just have to hold on. I ate more ice cream today. And played ukulele. And, if ya read my essay comment to Maria, I did a bunch of other stuff, and I feel a little better, and tomorrow, I’ll wake up and fight the woes of tomorrow, and if I’m lucky I’ll go to sleep and wake up again, and thank God for the chance at life always, and the chance to live and love and glorify his name, even in the midst of suffering. I’ll also vent in blog posts, totally, yes they do help.
      Thank ya sista.
      – Cat

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