Monthly Archives: February 2015

Forty days!

Hello there, dear readers, I’m just here to post a quick little update, before I disappear into the beauty and comfort of the season of LENT! A word which means “Spring”, something that I didn’t ever actively recall before, and something that actually has nothing to do with comfort unless it’s comfort for my soul! WOOH!

If you read one of my last posts, you might have noticed that I’ve been struggling with being miserable and overwhelmed, and today I actually was pretty much in tears for a lot of the day, and so I have a plan to turn my life around, or at least help myself struggle through this time, and actually feel like and hopefully become a better person.

How do I plan to do this? Well, typically my plans for Lent result in hasty declarations in what I am going to give up, or small tasks I’m going to do, or general terms about how I’m going to try to “get holier”, this year, it’s different.

This year, I have specific goals.

This year, I have a plan. A clear plan.

Ready?

Goal One: STUDIES

The premise: I’m three weeks into my school semester and I don’t remember a single day where I haven’t had the thought, “I hate this” or “I don’t want to do this” or “homework is evil”. While these thoughts were probably well founded and overall true, I’m officially one week farther in the semester than I can be to do anything about it, and so, instead of letting this experience turn me into a crumpled and tortured shell of my former self, I’m going to use it like a refiner’s fire to make me stronger than I ever was before!

What does all this fancy vocabulary mean in reality? I AM GOING TO TRY!

HOW?

By:

Step 1. Not letting myself get overwhelmed by the amount of homework I have to do all the time, because right after class I will go home and put in at least 1 hour of effort into my assignments.

Step 2. In order to allow that first number to happen, that means that I will not log into social media sites and etc. that lead me to hours of pointless time wasting, while I continue to feel worse and worse about whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing (this also means that this blog is gonna be getting a lot fewer postings in the next month and ten days, but we’ll survive.)

Result: Hopefully actually working on my work, and dedicating time to it, and not getting distracted or allowing myself to wallow in my misery will mean that eventually there will be less stuff to be miserable about. Maybe I will actually be successful at school and gain a more positive outlook on it…

GOAL TWO: ACTUALLY TRY TO LOVE

The premise: Ever since…whatever that point was where my life started spiraling out of control, in a completely tiny spiral, but a spiral that I couldn’t control nonetheless, I have stopped actually trying to actively help other people. I mean, sure, I will comfort a friend in need, or passively do good, but I haven’t actively tried to do anything positive or Christian. I mean, it’s like, “I could do the dishes so that Mom doesn’t have to and our house is clean, especially since I am a poor moocher who leans on her greatly for emotional and financial support, but my body hurts and I can’t handle life, so I am going to go to sleep”. Now, while¬†I totally understand my reasons for why I don’t do helpful little things, I feel guilty about it, and ultimately feel worthless, and actually this goal was originally going to be called “Actually liking the person I am” or something like that, but I changed it, and basically, I need to change this so, here’s what I’m gonna do:

Step 1: Do one selfless, anonymous, positive thing for another person every day.

…There is no step two right now, because I’m already rather overwhelmed at this point and if I add more stuff here, I probably won’t do it and then I will feel guilty and then I won’t like myself and then I won’t do anything to help others and the spiral will spiral again…I’m taking baby steps, okay, BABY STEPS.

GOAL THREE: Chill with Christ

So, I covered school, social, and now it’s time for the God aspect of my Lent, the “Spiritual Strengthening” that will be helped along by the other stuff. Basically….I’m gonna try to trust in God more. I’m in grad school and I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s gotten to the point where I cry over everything I can’t control, and I’m going to stop thinking that I can’t do this or that, and start thinking that I can, and that God will help me with it, I’m going to start to trust him. I’m going to put the time in to do my school work, and do good things to help my family and others, and actually try to balance my life more so that he is a greater part of it. I also might find that 24 hour adoration website and have it running on whatever computer I am doing my homework on while I’m working on it.

There aren’t really any steps to this one, just a decision to trust.

Well, there ya have it. My plans for Lent in a nutshell.

So, I’m posting because then my family and friends won’t know what I’m doing, but I will have verbalized it, and so then I might actually try. I mean, I will try, but possibly I’ll try a little harder if there is an imaginary force of accountability that is outside of me that isn’t God, because I know God loves me no matter what, and he’s not always like, “HEY CATHERINE, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH?”, but my imaginary force of accountability can totally be like that (and then I can totally hit them with a stick and say, “WHATEVER IMAGINARY FORCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY, I’M TRYING!”, and because they are imaginary, it’s totally okay.)

Oh dude…I also forgot the whole plan to do my physical therapy every week.

Goal Four: PT

(And of course I started thinking of this because my wrist started hurting from typing…I should probably make sure that stops…) I need to do my physical therapy. I will wake up in time to do it every day. That is all.

Okay, wrist hurting and Lent is almost about to begin.

Time to get ready for tomorrow.

Hope you have a fulfilling, love filled, healing, strengthening, Christ-centered Lent.

AMEN!

– Catherine

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Failure to communicate

Some very lovely person nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award, and I was going to do all the rules and stuff that it required to get my very special award, but after spending a half hour working on the post, and the an additional two hours trying to find 15 other bloggers to nominate, I gave up with plans to finish it at a future date.

Since then I’ve been overwhelmed by life and I can’t go any longer without a post, so I’m breaking the promise I made to that nominator that whatever I posted next would be about that.

I can’t handle it.

Anyway, my life lately is its usual mix of problems, stressed by school, stressed by my general level of perceived failure, stressed by the dichotomy of being called to love my brothers and sisters in Christ and wanting to forget certain people ever existed…

First I was sick for a week, then I went out all weekend and enjoyed my life instead of staying inside and doing all of my homework for the next month so I wouldn’t feel so stressed, like I planned, and now another week of grad school has come upon me, and I haven’t even played ukulele for like, two weeks…which is too long.

So I just started composing another bitter song about a guy, and it’s the first time I’ve played my ukulele in at least a week, so life has been pretty difficult.

I might have a bitter song about a maladjusted male incapable of friendship breaking hearts just in time for Valentine’s day. Sweet.

Plus, it’s totally inspired by real life that is currently happening…Or texts messages just received in the last four hours, and a broken friendship that has been going on for far too long.

It’s also heavily biased, as all my songs are, possibly to the point of fictionalization…The feelings are real though. …HA. Feelings. So apt to change.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated by life, guys, school, my health, computer programs, the messy state of my room, aches, how I’m not attracted to the guys who are probably completely kindhearted gentlemen of Christ that I come across, and I have this stupid obsession with actually being attracted to a potential suitors, and how I could hardly define any guy I’ve ever had any communication with ever as a suitor, and how everything is just flippin’ annoying and I’m frustrated. (As a side note, typing “suitors” in yahoo search, which apparently is my internet browser’s go to search engine now :P, brings up Odysseus in regards to Penelope’s suitors…at least one thing is right with the world.)

Plus, I just did an online assignment, and I put like, 3 hours of work into this ridiculous thing, and when I went to post, the same post got posted twice, and I didn’t find out about it until a half hour after the assignment was due, and then I fixed it, but now I probably won’t even get the 1 stupid point that the assignment was worth, because I was too hasty to re-read what I posted a second time.

So yeah, and then, I’m frustrated about the guy who doesn’t communicate with me except to tell me that he wants to talk on the phone, and then when we do talk it’s all about his life and his plans, and I can’t tell him about me because whenever he asks I don’t want to tell him anything because I don’t trust him and I pretty much marked off this relationship friendship thing as merely an excuse for him to vent, and so far, he hasn’t seemed to notice, which makes me want to share even less, and I really should either just talk to him about it, or freeze him out entirely, and I am way too worn out, and don’t even want to deal with him or really have him in my life, because I see no good coming from it.

My life is doing a very great job of trying to be the death of me right now. I need more tea and less tears and more friends and less of these friend-zoned-not-even-a-friend people, and I need to get to a point in my life where I can get past the part where I’m overwhelmed by life and just handle it again. Maybe it’ll help if I stop saying “need” so much? Maybe it’ll help if I go off the grid, and the only people who can contact me are the people I see in person or my long-distance friends via e-mail? Maybe it’ll help if my best friend resurfaces on the face of the planet because she’s just disappeared for the last month and I would totally call her family if I had their number?

…The other day I just wanted to be abandoned at a Church so I could crumple in a ball in some corner, unnoticed and unusable, and just pray and cry and cry until God just tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, it’s okay, now here is how you do everything, and here’s the plan for what you need to do, I’m with you, let’s do it!” I also wanted to smash plates. I was angry and depressed and holding it all in and ridiculously laughing at the pain in my life, and at some point I cried.

I’m hurting dear sisters and brothers in Christ. I’m hurting fellow inhabitants of the world. I’m hurting and I don’t flippin’ know what to do, and I’m pretty sure the first step is communicate.

I talked to the family and they not know.

I need to talk to God.

I need to go on a retreat.

I haven’t time to go on a retreat.

I need to survive until the retreat.

I need to keep trudging, broken and wounded, and not even knowing why or how, until I can finally stop and heal.

Because life just keeps going and I’m being pulled along…OHMYGOSH, like a dead dog. (Chesterton. Everlasting Man*).

I have got to fight the stupid current. But if it was a current it would be easier…I might be fighting the current right now.

If you lost my train of thought, you can wait at the station, next thought is leaving in five….four….three…two…

I should probably just go to sleep, things are better in the morning. In the morning I think “Must survive this day, must survive this day, do A, B, and C, survive today and move on”, in the evening I think “Today was horrible, I don’t want to have to go through that again tomorrow, there has to be a better way, I am trapped in an endless circle of suffering through my days, Oh my Lord, really? Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough in my brief twenty-three years of life? Don’t I get a free pass to be happy now? Don’t I get sunshine and flowers and people showering me with love and money and the answers to all of my life problems? Don’t I get something!??? SOMETHING BESIDES THIS???? ” and then I cry, and my Mom tells me to go to bed, and then the next day it’s “Just get out of bed. Just do all the homework you have to do. Just eat something because otherwise your stomach hurts from hunger. Be nice to your niece. Do the rest of your homework. Try to dress warm for school. Go to school. Enjoy walking outside. Be intelligent in the classroom. Leave school….Start to dwell on the fact that you have more work and will simply repeat this process tomorrow and the next day and the next for the next year until you get a degree to go teach the stuff that you have been biting your tongue while learning.”

Yep, that’s my life.

I’m going to go make a list of what I enjoy now, and try to figure out how to make myself happier, because this has been incredibly depressing. I apologize. Especially because I ate ice cream today. A person with access to ice cream should not be allowed to complain as much as I do. But I do. Because ice cream can’t buy happiness.

And in case you were wondering, what Chesterton said was: “A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”

-cdukulele

P.S. Please don’t be depressed because of me, I wish you only feelings of happiness and contentment, I in no way want my pain to impact your level of satisfaction with life. It’ll probably be okay. Eventually.

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Shots of Nyquil – A poem –

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Stuck in memories that keep
me shifting, tossing covers.

I am sick but I’m not cold
Still so young but feel so old
Wishing for the path untold
With fear of never trying.

Now I move to make me whole
I’m on a path to keep my soul
trudging grandly, to pay the toll,
a future still in question.

Oh to sing, it would be grand
for them to hear and understand
to look and see and give a hand,
a future that I dream of.

But on I march and quite unsure,
On I march, for I am her,
Steadily working without lure
toward the future I have chosen.

This is my life, or so it seems
This is my life, not stuff of dreams
This is my life, and all it brings
I hope will be enough.

Shots of Nyquil help me sleep
Sleep I do, but not so deep
Tossing covers do not keep
Me warm, but I’m not cold.

Dreaming of the life I’d lead
If I wasn’t drawn by need
To pay for bill, loan, or deed,
Oh what a life in question.

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