Hello there, dear readers, I’m just here to post a quick little update, before I disappear into the beauty and comfort of the season of LENT! A word which means “Spring”, something that I didn’t ever actively recall before, and something that actually has nothing to do with comfort unless it’s comfort for my soul! WOOH!
If you read one of my last posts, you might have noticed that I’ve been struggling with being miserable and overwhelmed, and today I actually was pretty much in tears for a lot of the day, and so I have a plan to turn my life around, or at least help myself struggle through this time, and actually feel like and hopefully become a better person.
How do I plan to do this? Well, typically my plans for Lent result in hasty declarations in what I am going to give up, or small tasks I’m going to do, or general terms about how I’m going to try to “get holier”, this year, it’s different.
This year, I have specific goals.
This year, I have a plan. A clear plan.
Goal One: STUDIES
The premise: I’m three weeks into my school semester and I don’t remember a single day where I haven’t had the thought, “I hate this” or “I don’t want to do this” or “homework is evil”. While these thoughts were probably well founded and overall true, I’m officially one week farther in the semester than I can be to do anything about it, and so, instead of letting this experience turn me into a crumpled and tortured shell of my former self, I’m going to use it like a refiner’s fire to make me stronger than I ever was before!
What does all this fancy vocabulary mean in reality? I AM GOING TO TRY!
Step 1. Not letting myself get overwhelmed by the amount of homework I have to do all the time, because right after class I will go home and put in at least 1 hour of effort into my assignments.
Step 2. In order to allow that first number to happen, that means that I will not log into social media sites and etc. that lead me to hours of pointless time wasting, while I continue to feel worse and worse about whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing (this also means that this blog is gonna be getting a lot fewer postings in the next month and ten days, but we’ll survive.)
Result: Hopefully actually working on my work, and dedicating time to it, and not getting distracted or allowing myself to wallow in my misery will mean that eventually there will be less stuff to be miserable about. Maybe I will actually be successful at school and gain a more positive outlook on it…
GOAL TWO: ACTUALLY TRY TO LOVE
The premise: Ever since…whatever that point was where my life started spiraling out of control, in a completely tiny spiral, but a spiral that I couldn’t control nonetheless, I have stopped actually trying to actively help other people. I mean, sure, I will comfort a friend in need, or passively do good, but I haven’t actively tried to do anything positive or Christian. I mean, it’s like, “I could do the dishes so that Mom doesn’t have to and our house is clean, especially since I am a poor moocher who leans on her greatly for emotional and financial support, but my body hurts and I can’t handle life, so I am going to go to sleep”. Now, while I totally understand my reasons for why I don’t do helpful little things, I feel guilty about it, and ultimately feel worthless, and actually this goal was originally going to be called “Actually liking the person I am” or something like that, but I changed it, and basically, I need to change this so, here’s what I’m gonna do:
Step 1: Do one selfless, anonymous, positive thing for another person every day.
…There is no step two right now, because I’m already rather overwhelmed at this point and if I add more stuff here, I probably won’t do it and then I will feel guilty and then I won’t like myself and then I won’t do anything to help others and the spiral will spiral again…I’m taking baby steps, okay, BABY STEPS.
GOAL THREE: Chill with Christ
So, I covered school, social, and now it’s time for the God aspect of my Lent, the “Spiritual Strengthening” that will be helped along by the other stuff. Basically….I’m gonna try to trust in God more. I’m in grad school and I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s gotten to the point where I cry over everything I can’t control, and I’m going to stop thinking that I can’t do this or that, and start thinking that I can, and that God will help me with it, I’m going to start to trust him. I’m going to put the time in to do my school work, and do good things to help my family and others, and actually try to balance my life more so that he is a greater part of it. I also might find that 24 hour adoration website and have it running on whatever computer I am doing my homework on while I’m working on it.
There aren’t really any steps to this one, just a decision to trust.
Well, there ya have it. My plans for Lent in a nutshell.
So, I’m posting because then my family and friends won’t know what I’m doing, but I will have verbalized it, and so then I might actually try. I mean, I will try, but possibly I’ll try a little harder if there is an imaginary force of accountability that is outside of me that isn’t God, because I know God loves me no matter what, and he’s not always like, “HEY CATHERINE, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT, HUH, HUH, HUH, HUH?”, but my imaginary force of accountability can totally be like that (and then I can totally hit them with a stick and say, “WHATEVER IMAGINARY FORCE OF ACCOUNTABILITY, I’M TRYING!”, and because they are imaginary, it’s totally okay.)
Oh dude…I also forgot the whole plan to do my physical therapy every week.
Goal Four: PT
(And of course I started thinking of this because my wrist started hurting from typing…I should probably make sure that stops…) I need to do my physical therapy. I will wake up in time to do it every day. That is all.
Okay, wrist hurting and Lent is almost about to begin.
Time to get ready for tomorrow.
Hope you have a fulfilling, love filled, healing, strengthening, Christ-centered Lent.