Monthly Archives: January 2015

Positive side effects.

Heh, I just wrote my first post in nearly two weeks and I already feel better about everything I’ve been stressing about since then… Which would be, school and my relationships and my future…

I mean, maybe I shouldn’t be posting another post five seconds after that last one, but…I feel better than I have for a while, and it seemed to have started just about as soon as I clicked the “publish draft” button on that last post.

See, I’ve been so stressed about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, and the fact that I am studying how to be a teacher and I don’t even know if I want to be one, and wondering if I just don’t like my classes, or what the classes are about, and I’ve been talking to all my family about it, and the random guy friend and classmates, and I still don’t know what to do about school or life in general, and then of course, being the mountain out of molehill builder that I am, I wondered if I’d ever find anything I’d be happy at or if I’d just have to get a job and do it and be miserable forever and ever…and then I posted in my blog….and I feel better.

Like it will be okay.

Like maybe this semester will be better. Like, worst case scenario, I can struggle through this semester and use my credits to transfer to a different program, and figure out something else, but just keep blogging no matter what, keep writing something somewhere no matter what…Keep writing. Or maybe I’ll find out that while it may seem really hard, and is a bit challenging, I can actually do the teaching thing, and I might actually enjoy it. Maybe I’m good at it…Maybe…

I don’t know quite what to do with my life, but I know that writing about it helps. Blogging about it helps. Just like the singing songs about my surgery and failed romances helps.

Just getting the words out helps.

It doesn’t always help saying them directly to family or friends, or the people who broke your heart by never calling you on the phone when you gave them your number (yeaaa, okay, that was the topic of my first unrequited love song), because they don’t always know how to respond or you don’t want a response, (or you actually can’t talk to them)….But just saying the words, for your sake at least, it helps.

It helps me.

And so this gets posted fifteen minutes after my last post, because I like writing and it made me feel better and now I need to press the publish button again to save the positive feelings forever.

Goodnight again.

-cdukulele

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School’s started

Which means I’m back, for who knows how long…Probably all semester. Now that I’m back to being stressed out on a weekly basis, I’ll have plenty of stuff to write about and plenty of procrastination time in which to do it.

This is good. Maybe this creativity will encourage the song-writing creativity which I have been a little lax on since before Christmas.

Plus I’ll be interacting with people more again, so I’ll be able to talk about that too…

Yes, school is definitely a good thing. If only I weren’t so paranoid about spending so much money and time on something that I may not ever want to do.

Too late now…Actually, I think I have a couple weeks before it’s really “too late”, but I mean, I don’t really know what else to do with my life and so far I’m surviving with my whole, M.A. TESOL plan, so maybe this will work out. Maybe I won’t break down into tears again like I possibly did once or thrice last semester and may or may not have done the night before classes this week.

Besides, what do tears mean anyway!? They’re merely a sign that I was completely overwhelmed by something, probably lack of sleep…Did I mention that I’m in communication with the guy that I completely broke off communication with before Halloween because of the inappropriate joke he sent me and the fact that he doesn’t quite comprehend me?

I’m sure that confusion about my future and confusion about my non-existent, unhealthy, confusing, complicated friendships, and lack of sleep all didn’t combine to create the tears the night before my first day of classes.

…It’s like, when it rains it pours.

Three months with nothing interesting, and then he shows up right when I have to figure out my life again and make sure I’m doing what I want to be doing as far as my education and career go.

So, school has started and Cdukulele’s life has gotten interesting again.

Being interesting is exhausting, I got to go finish my homework and sleep.

Night, my imaginary best friends and readers, please feel free to pray for me: like you probably were at some point, I’m not sure what to do with my life, or what to do about the member of the opposite sex who is talking to me and who I don’t understand and who doesn’t quite understand me but who I keep talking to anyway because I talk to people. I probably make my life more complicated than it is. Anyway, thanks for prayers and reading, God bless ya.

– Cdukulele

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Reading into it.

Random guy friend: “Hey, so, are Jack and Liz together?”

Me: “Oh yeah, they are.”

Random guy friend: “That makes sense…They do seem to go everywhere together and do everything together.”

At that moment in the conversation, I realized how impossible it is for me to tell whether people are asking questions merely because they are curious about the lives of their friends, or if they secretly have a crush on “Liz” and are depressed because their ex left them and stole all their belongings.

The only reason this matters is that I now know how much I can almost get away with asking about the relationship status of a guy I’m interested in. If I’m not sure whether he likes her, then clearly nobody would ever notice whether I liked whoever I like in the hypothetical scenario in which I ask questions about a guy I like.

This doesn’t work with family members…They automatically assume that you are obsessed with any guy you bring up in conversation.

I like having friends.

They don’t know me as well.

Also, props to you if you understood my messy ramblings and loosely constructed logic.

Night

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Just being

I stayed up until 4 watching T.V. shows.

But I still managed to wake up in time to skype one of my college friends, so I think that I did a good job.

I need to order school books and clean my room.

I always need to clean my room.

I also need to write a new ukulele song.

I just realized that the latest chord progression I’m using sounds a lot like “Little Wooden Head” from Pinocchio.

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALLALALAALA.

This is what happens when you’re an “adult” on winter break.

It’s surprisingly less depressing than all my previous winter breaks, when by the end of it I was desperate to get back to school and to my life and to my friends. I don’t know why I’m not so desperate now…perhaps because I can do all the stuff that I do while class is in session, I just have more time to do it.  And having four hours of grad classes a week isn’t the same as 12 hours a week.

I haven’t created any new songs or posts or anything recently, so I figured the best way to get over that lack of creativity was to just do it. So that’s it. I did.

Stretch time.

– cdukulele

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HAPPY EPIPHANY!

I just realized I have a month left before I start classes again.

This means that I can totally finish reading Moby Dick, and write a crazy amount of ukulele songs, and watch a whole bunch of Neflix.

Man…so much free time.

I should get a job…at some point.

I don’t wanna.

I need that license to drive that all the cool cats have.

I was practicing driving with my brother the other day, and after horrible experiences resulting from firstly, my lack of driving experience, and secondly, a person who tried to change lanes in front of me at an intersection, I never wanted to drive again.

Then today I drove home from Church. I messed up again. It’s really rather disheartening. I do not enjoy being in control of a massive vehicle that has the potential to kill, surrounded by other vehicles with that same potential, all being operated by fallible humans. I guess I get to work on the driving thing for the next 22 days then.

Yay.

WELL, hope you all had a restful vacation, a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.During my holidays my hand finally healed up (it was recovering from the stress of finals), our internet went out for several days (I learned how peaceful life without distractions is), and I managed to flip my sleeping schedule entirely so that at one point I went to bed at 6am and started my day well into the afternoon.

Very eventful times.

I have to go now…work on a ukulele song, or eat something, or plan my life for the next twenty days, or think of a way to not let anyone else know that I’m still off so that I don’t get guilted into doing work-related things that I may want to avoid…I mean, I would totally help people if they asked me too…as they no doubt will when they realize that I have so much free time………I need to go contribute to society.
Sigh.

Happy New Year!- Cdukulele

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