I may have said that I stopped talking to a certain individual who sent a certain inappropriate text, but I wound up talking to him again cuz he called and texted and…I folded. Like a house of cards.
So it makes sense that the post following the message wherein I’d “ended all contact with someone”, was followed by a post enumerating the pain renewed contact with them caused. (If this weren’t my life, it’d almost be an interesting study of human behavior. Okay, it still is an interesting study of human behavior. You just won’t get the variables that explain the conclusions.)
To be completely fair, text guy only caused half the pain that I was feeling. Or text guy was merely the one I blamed for the pain caused by another.
I decided to blame all of guy-kind at one time and mush all of their flaws and all of my pain into one post.
I’m sorry guy-kind, that was unfair of me. It was unfair to make two people’s separate flaws sound like they belonged to one.
It was unfair to take all the pain I was feeling and attribute it to just one of you in my mind. It’s unfair that I so easily blame one of you, and not the other.
I wouldn’t blame you so much text guy, but honestly, other guy has overall brought me more joy and less pain, and I’ve known him longer. In the short time I’ve known you, text guy, you’ve managed to make me feel more uncomfortable than the height of my uncomfortable friendship with other guy.
Not meaning to be offensive, but we clash.
Clash clash clash clash clash. Like Cymbals. Completely different cymbals. Okay, more like plaid and stripes. Orange juice and tooth paste. Snowmen and sunshine.
And so, while I apologize for taking out all of my anger on you in that last post, and for thinking you were the main problem, I just want to say, it still doesn’t mean that I should have ever started talking to you, and I should probably go back to radio silence.
If I could only figure out how.
Because, text guy, part of the problem is that you don’t seem to comprehend your mistakes. I feel guilty abandoning you entirely when you don’t understand.
But it’s also possible that you understand much more than I give you credit for, and you knew all along that we clash, clash, clash, but you ignore that when it’s convenient for you, because it’s always convenient for you, because when we clash, you win. I let you win for the sake of avoiding the argument.
Oh clashy, I must leave you.
Figuratively, since we were never actually together.
But I must go.
I wish you well.
Please don’t call me in a pitiful voice like you always do. Because I will answer. Man, Clashy.
I’ll have to figure a different way out of this.
The subtle, I decline every invitation you make, until you stop inviting me to spend time with you, method.
That should work.
I only tried it already once…And it worked up until the moment you sent me that text.
I have a flawed system.
My system should not be broken by you offending me.
I need a new system.
I want to opt for the, “do the most loving thing always”, system, but that one gets confusing. Every time I try to reason with you, I find myself forgetting why I had reasoned against you. I only remember it when I am away from you again. By that time I’ve already agreed to some sort of, hang-out situation, and it’s difficult to get out of.
I know, you’re thinking, what’s so bad about hanging out with me!?
Nothing. I’m sure it would be delightful. We’d have a great time. You’d talk about things, and you’d make me food, and you would have no idea how completely uncomfortable I was because I am just amazed by the fact that you seem to think that whatever behavior is going on is totally okay. Like stuff that is probably illegal. Or your bandmates making inappropriate jokes. Or your inappropriate jokes. Or the way in which you laugh at everything including when people treated you like dirt. You did stand up for me the one time that they treated me like dirt, but you said that was coincidental, and you were going to stand up for yourself about something else anyway. True, you didn’t know me very well at the time to stand up for me, but this is a digression.
Point is, I don’t think I’ve given you enough chances, because there can never be enough chances, but I think I have to refuse to spend quality time alone with you ever again. Because I clearly don’t understand how to talk to you like a regular person. Which is why I spent so much of my blog talking to myself and pretending it was you.
Sorry for that slip into a conversation between myself and Clashy reader, clearly I am too lazy to write things in my diary where they belong.
Actually, I really am. Like, it is physically exhausting, and I kind of need this record of things because otherwise time passes and I forget what I did. You know, because I’m sure it’s crucial that I remember that I called someone clashy.
More importantly, it’s important that I’m continuing to discover my inability to confront people. Certain people. Wonder why. Probably because I want Clashy to like me despite how much I need to not be around him.
Hard to confront the people you want to approve of you.
Revelations done for the day. Or for the night.
I must sleep.
GOODNIGHT WARRIORS OF THE HEART! DEFEND! DEFEND!
I am such a nerd.
(edited 11/14/14 because I can’t spell “cymbal”)