with no installation
of any temptation
to actually do what you must.
with no installation
of any temptation
to actually do what you must.
On this day of Thanks I’ll refrain from grumbling about how certain hair cuts scare me and about the three major assignments I have do at the end of this holiday break.
Oh look, I just grumbled.
I won’t write an entire post about it at least…Probably.
Okay, I got to sleep so that I can be well rested for seeing all my family tomorrow.
At least I’m in grad school, so that means I’ll avoid the questions like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE CATHERINE????”.
Of course the “Man, you’re gonna owe a lot of money” and “Are you seeing anyone?” phrases might be heard a couple times.
Actually, I’ve become pretty insignificant in the family lately. It’s all, “Oh, are you actually doing that grad school thing, when does that start up?” and “That’s a great idea, do invite your boyfriend to my wedding,” to which I respond, “I’ve been in school three months”, and “I don’t actually have a boyfriend, that was a joke”.
I don’t know how much sense this made, I spent the last hour in a weak attempt at doing rough drafts of my school assignments, and words are hard. Plus, Netflix is melting my brain…and I’m letting it.
Oh, anybody else ever start talking to someone, and then the entire relationship got ruined, and now every time you see someone with a similar haircut as them you have a mini panic attack? Like you’re afraid that whoever that person with the haircut is THEM and that somehow you will be hurt? Not really hurt but just, you are, for some insane reason, drawn to them and their odd ways, and you know that the end result will probably be your unhappiness, and so anyone that remotely looks like them makes you want to run in terror?
I am thankful for osteoblasts and healing nerves, and family members that do care about you and give you good hugs, and for the other family members that keep you safe from the friendships that went wrong and openly mock the hair cuts that they don’t even know belong to specific people you’re avoiding. Also, I’m thankful for broken phones and lost numbers and the false sense of security that the isolation of the internet provides.
One of my friends keeps calling me whenever he’s driving to work.
We chat about life, the fact that he’s driving to work, school, his girlfriend.
Fifteen to twenty minutes later, the conversation ends, and I can look forward to the next time my phone will suddenly start ringing.
He’s like the only friend of mine that ever calls me anymore, and I rarely call him.
In fact, I rarely call any of my friends.
It still confuses me sometimes, the he and I conversations.
We just talk. Small talk. Just person to person, every day talk.
It’s interesting having a friend who is a guy. Guy friends confuse me.
I don’t expect them to be my friends and to maintain my friendship and to still talk to me when they are actually in relationships.
When they are thousands of miles away.
When they have their own lives that I am zero a part of.
But, as you may already know, my understandings of, and interactions with, the opposite sex are pretty limited.
Every time a guy initiates a conversation with me in any circumstance I’m pretty surprised.
I blame my all girls high school experience. That probably messed me up for life.
I don’t at all know what friendship is when it comes to guys.This is probably one of those things that you learn about throughout your life and takes time. Darn it.
Or maybe I’m just so focused on the fact that they are different from me that I don’t ever think about how sometimes you just call your friend because you want to talk to them. And guys can have friends just like I have friends…
I should really stop dividing the world into THEM versus ME categories…
Well, that was my little note on friendship and guys and boring stuff that wasn’t very interesting and now I am hungry and need to go find delicious food to eat and not stay up until 5am again tonight watching Gilmore Girls (Which also doesn’t help me figure out proper guy interactions.)
Not that I put much stock in the random internet questionnaire that included things like “Which dog would be at your wedding”, when the answer to that question is “NONE OF THE ABOVE. No dogs. None. Never.”, but still…I don’t like how this bodes for my future.
Oh, I put a link to the quiz in that title above, so feel free to take the quiz and then tell me that it automatically tells everyone that they are going to marry a robot, and that I’m not the only one with impossible expectations.
I didn’t know wanting fancy food at your wedding was impossible…It looked so delicious and I didn’t even know what it was. I am so hungry.
My sister walked up to the guy that I said was the cutest in the whole bar, and started talking to him; I was busy hiding at the table in the back of the bar with my cousin and brother-in-law, wanting to know what was happening without actually looking.
I glanced up. She was staring at me mischievously and waving for me to come over. I stared at her and did nothing. She kept waving. I remained seated. Then, she turned back to the guy with gorgeous eyes. Several words later she was looking at me again and attempting to wave me over. I finally came. Trudging, slowly, across the bar, trying to look completely innocent and like I didn’t know who this crazy lady was.
“Catherine, this is Tom! He’s gay and he has a boyfriend in Connecticut….and he sings!”
Last time we were at that particular bar, she and my cousin were literally pushing me into a guy from Hawaii and telling him very personal details about me (An event further described here.). This time, my sister was just introducing me to gay men. His eyes were so pretty.
He and I chatted about music for a little bit, my sister made me sing for him, and then he talked about how he played the piano (and I envied his boyfriend just a little bit more…) and used to be in a band. A life of perfect friendship with no fear of rejection because I had already just been rejected, or rather, never thought of in the first place, flashed before my eyes.
But then he and his friends had to leave.
I wonder…If my liking him was considered flattering, or if he preferred not to think about it? I guess when anyone innocently admires you at a bar, it’s generally good, right?
I should probably just not think about it. (Though it is comforting to know that he told my sister about his boyfriend before she pointed out who the girl who thought he was cute was…)
Anyway, I’ve yet again proven that I am attracted to unattainable men. Though, if he and I became friends, I would never have to worry about misinterpreting his intentions. Just a clear, pure, friendship. Where he never sends me creepy texts that have a double meaning and then pretends he was just joking.
I need to be attracted to a single guy with beautiful eyes, who is attracted to me too…in various ways that include loving me as a person and not sending me creepy texts or confusing me or ignoring important things like the fact that I don’t want to hang out with him alone at his house, because I don’t like the potential situation that puts us in.
Well, it was definitely an interesting night, and I am glad that I met Tom.
I slept in today. I sleep in everyday, but today it was with the knowledge that I could take things slowly. I had all of Saturday for me, nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to interact with, the day was mine to do what I wanted to, to do what I needed to do, so I started with sleeping.
Fully rested, I picked up the last Harry Potter book I’ve been reading, and I leisurely read a chapter or two. I wasted some time scrolling facebook on my phone, and finally, pulled from my leisure by achiness and hunger, I got out of bed ready to really start my day.
I was going to start with physical therapy, but my sides were sore from my impromptu hula dancing in the bathroom while I brushed my teeth the night before. ( I discovered that attempting to hula stretched the nerve pained muscles in my legs, and I figured that using those muscles couldn’t hurt, and maybe muscle pain would replace nerve pain. Muscle pain is better than nerve pain, because 1.It goes away, and 2. It’s a sign that you actually worked some muscle.) So, instead of going straight to the physical therapy that I desperately need to do because my toe is starting to go oddly numb again, I decided to eat some breakfast so that I could take painkillers and warm up before doing physical therapy.
This was a good choice. Breakfast with tea is always a good choice. Or coffee….I’m forever craving coffee. Mmmmm.
Anyway, breakfast and three Ibuprofen later, I was feeling almost content with life, but full…so full. Plus, I needed to get my body moving before I could go do my physical therapy, which is painful when I just wake up, so, I decided to tidy up the house.
Cleaning makes me feel a little better, like I have control over my environment. So, I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, washed a pot and the pan from breakfast, and finally decided it was time to do my exercises. (I would have done more, but there’s a limit to the amount of joy cleaning brings me…)
My exercises involve two minutes of curl ups, three minutes of leg lift things, and two and a half minutes of planks. And yes, it took me two hours to physically and mentally prepare for the seven minutes of exercises. It sounds much more pathetic when I write it like that….BUT, in my defense, …I used to be unable to do even less than that…Planks are hard! And I’ve never been able to do a real sit up my entire life. Half way through the curl ups my head generally starts aching, then I get worried that my vertebrae are gonna break again…BUT I DID MY EXERCISES.
And then I did my wall push ups.
And then I went on the exercise bike for thirty minutes while watching Gilmore Girls on my phone.
So, three hours after I woke up, I was finally done with my exercises, I took my shower, and then I actually felt content enough and mentally prepared to start my paper that is due tomorrow night.
I reviewed the assignment, assembled pieces of the former related assignments, and worked on it for a good half hour, slowly growing more confident.
Then I decided to take a break.
Last night I was miserable and overwhelmed and lonely and desperate and hopeless and stressed, and now, since I stopped caring about everything except for doing what I absolutely needed to do, in the time and fashion I wanted to do it, I am a little bit okay.
I might need more tea.
So, this is just a reminder that sometimes, you need tea. And food. And painkillers. And to just chill and not rush about things, but get to them when you are able to get to them. Because doing my exercises after three hours of wandering around the house in my pajamas is better than not doing them at all, and at least starting my paper on Saturday afternoon is better than not looking at it until Sunday.
I’m not perfect, and I do a far worse job than a lot of people when it comes to simply handling life and activities like, stretching and doing a paper, and not just watching episodes of Dr. Who on Amazon prime until dawn, but…I am trying. I will get better. I am getting better. Today was better. Not perfect, but better than certain days.
It will be okay.
I will keep getting better.Right now I’m not concerned about certain individuals or relationships or loneliness at all…I’m just…content…alive…doing what I need to do, and being okay…and I’m hoping it stays that way and that I just keep getting better and do what I need to do.
I seem resolved to be unhappy.
Something is wrong with me.
Depression makes for interesting reading.
His voice is gorgeous. I can’t believe I know the person that this voice belongs to.
I can’t believe that he cares so little about me.
I care so little about so many.
I miss happiness.
I miss happiness.
I miss happiness.
It’s so hard to hold onto.
And it’s not part of him.
I need happiness without him.
I need happiness by itself.
I need to be happy without him.
I need to be happy alone.
Because I’m always alone.
I always wind up alone.
Not truly alone, but alone enough.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Lord, Lord, Lord, I’m so poor in spirit, please make sure there’s a place for me up there. And him. Ultimately. In the end. Once I get through this. Today, tomorrow, the next day, for however long I have the chance to live.
Sometimes the pain. How is there so much pain?
My life’s too simple for this much pain.
There isn’t any reason to be in this pain.
Jealousy, loneliness, fear, sadness, emptiness, take it away Lord.
Replace it with…You.
Nothing better than You.