My friend had a concert tonight.
He had a concert last night too.
I tend to wind up at his shows.
Today I wondered if I should.
I decided to.
Then I decided not.
Then I decided to.
Then I was standing outside the coffee shop with my brother, and pacing back and forth, just out of the range of the view of the people inside the shop, weighing the negatives and positives of entering the shop, wondering if the fact that I went to his show last night and have been to just about every single show he’s ever had/invited me to would look like I was stalking him, wondering if I was stalking him, being unable to cope with the concept of coming all that way and not actually seeing him, asking myself whether my brother was right in assuming that this was no big deal and I should just enter the coffee shop, calculating what my sister’s opinion on the matter would be, and whether it was of any value, and finally, I decided just to get this over with and walk into the coffee shop, and I missed his entire set.
This…would be a sad story, if it ended there. Or maybe this is a sad story no matter what. Maybe my inability to make decisions about life and my fear of guys thinking I like them when I do is absolutely, pathetically, sad, and there is no way to save this situation…
But, I went in to the coffee shop, and he was buying coffee, and another musician was performing.
I walked over to my friend and said hello, and he smiled pleasantly and gave me a small hug, and my brother awkwardly said some things about driving the wrong direction several times (which, truthfully, we had…as I kept having my brother drive up and down the street while I took surveying glances of the shop to see whether I had the courage to enter it), and then I mumbled a weak apology for missing his set, and I mentioned how I had actually never heard the musician who was currently performing, so I was “going to go do that”.
So I spent the rest of the concert sitting in a giant chair next to my brother, watching the musician who I’d heard a lot about but never heard before, perform, and avoiding unnecessary eye contact with my friend and the appearance that I was secretly obsessed with him. (Because, I’m not…I just don’t want him to think I am, okay?)
The other musician was very talented, and after the show I chatted with her, and asked her questions about her music and was randomly awkward, and then my friend came over and I generally made small talk with them both, and then I left the shop with my brother, and then I ran back a second later to ask them another important question I’d forgotten, music-related, and basically, I think I proved that I wasn’t a creepy stalker.
That’s the impression you get from this slim account of the night’s activities: that I’m not a creepy stalker, I just…over-think things?
NO! Realized it. I just enjoy actually seeing my friends and now I have to accept the fact that I have friends that are guys that I am not in love with, and hanging out with them and wanting to see them is perfectly normal.
This is a simple realization, I’m just…I forget and complicate things sometimes.
-That girl who stands outside of coffee shops.