When to cry, when to keep going, and when to give up…

I read for two hours.

Some of it was interesting. I didn’t know that there was a different word for the kinds of sounds you made when closing your mouth completely, versus when letting air escape through between your teeth, versus using your vocal chords or not. I also didn’t know that apparently anything that is understandable is “grammatical”. “Grammatical” being an idiotic word that refuses to claim whether a sentence is right or wrong, and merely allows it to be “standard” or “non-standard”.

I….cried.

I cried.

I CRIED BECAUSE OF GRAMMAR.

Because of Linguistics.

Because of writing about the “niche of a Research Proposal”, and because I’m incapable and pathetic and don’t comprehend or even want to comprehend the stuff in the books I spent 200 dollars on.

Because the English language is killing me, and I’ve only been to each of my classes once.

 

Was that unclear? Am I being unclear? It’s ungrammatical to be unclear…well, technically, it’s not…but it’s something.

 

I don’t know.

I don’t know if I even want to do this.

I don’t know if I don’t want to do this because I’m afraid of work, or because I legitimately don’t care about this stuff, or whether I will ever care.

I like words.

I like reading things.

I do not like THE REASON WHY. I don’t really care about the reason why. I don’t want to learn the reason why. I don’t want to teach the reason why. I just want to communicate effectively, and so far, all I’ve learned is that I can communicate less effectively if I want to and still be “grammatical”.

 

…It’s day three, and I want to quit gradschool.

I don’t know if I simply was smarter before surgery, or if I simply have more of a capacity to hate boring, meaningless, pointless, miserable work, because I see how much suffering there is in life already and I don’t want to add to it, but I want to quit.

No offense, linguists.

I’m just…not…that….

Which means…I don’t know what I am.

Maybe I can be a linguist.

Maybe I can keep studying. It’s only day three. You can’t give up on day three, right? Even when you hate your classes and you don’t understand your textbooks or your homework assignments, and the idea of learning all of this stuff is …partially abhorrent?

Even if the only reason you like school is because you’re so ridiculously alone that you enjoy the opportunity to just be a part of something in real life….

 

 

I cried. I tried. I want to give up.

There’s nobody to tell me whether or not I can give up.

I’m an adult and I have to decide whether or not I’m going to ruin my life, or save it…and I don’t know which choice does which.

…To you, reader, it might seem strange that I’m putting so much importance on Grad school. Or does it? I don’t know…All I know is that I’ve spent a year at home trying and failing to do anything at all, and this was another try, and sure, I haven’t failed yet, but I already hate it. I don’t want to hate everything I do. It makes life seem so miserable. …And I have to find something to be successful at…and so I have to know whether I have to keep trying this or move on to another completely unknown path.

Sorry for the whine, I just, I’m lost again, and trying to figure it out.

 

– Catherine

 

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6 Comments

Filed under Cdukulele's life.

6 responses to “When to cry, when to keep going, and when to give up…

  1. Do you think that you might be better suited to teach English or Literature to English-speaking students than to have to go through the necessary linguistic studies you will have to go through to teach ESL? Just a thought. Also, is there another Linguistics professer at your university? I hated grammer throughout high school, but I learned to love grammar and linguistics when I saw it through the eyes of my college professor. It’s really not that bad except for the fact that the English language is one of the hardest. Linguistics in Spanish for example are much easier to understand. Maybe it was because I took them both at the same time…who knows. Now I’m the one rambling on. Give it a little more time, but if you just can’t get into it, then it may not be for you. It doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t make a great teacher.

    • I love you, and I’m going to start calling you Joy, because I forget whether I know what your real name is. Thank you for thoughtfully responding and giving me things to think about, it is one of the reasons I love you. I saw that there was a comment two days ago, but I was still to mentally overwhelmed to think about my sad post let alone respond to a comment.
      I may be suited for literature, I mean, I am. I am. I am suited for many things…I just. I don’t have the proper credentials to begin to teach at any level, I have to go to graduate school for something and, my brother went to graduate school for literature and got teaching credentials and couldn’t get a job, and to be honest, I don’t want to ….really want to…be a teacher. I mean…I do, more than any other profession I might find myself in. More than any other realistic profession…I mean, it’s the most realistic job based on my abilities, and the one that is least miserable of my options. It’s the one that I can tell people that I’m trying for and they will accept and not question me. …Which isn’t the best reason, but also…I…I don’t have great reasons for why I’m not following my truest dreams, other than they are taking time to play out and….anyway…I’m…in Gradschool. Because…it seems like the thing I can do the most right now. And for my classes there are no other teachers, not for the classes this semester.
      But, I’m going to give it more time…and maybe I’ll change my schedule around…maybe so that I can pursue another one of my dreams…I..well yes. Okay I’m going to stop now. responding. Thank you very much for your comment and your positivity. 🙂

      – Catherine

      • Yes, my name is Joy and you may call me Joy. I’m glad that I could give you something to think about. Yours is a big decision to make. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be fun, but it’s there all the same. Just know that you CAN study whatever you want. It might mean a move later on, but it’s your time right now. Enjoy it. 😉

  2. I too am hating school right now. I want to drop out or transfer or go abroad. I don’t know what I want. I will be praying for the both of us.

    • Thank you! I appreciate your prayers immensely! School. Yes. Then there’s the whole problem of wondering if it’s just the class that you have to get through, or if you’re not supposed to be in that program or major or whatever. The abroad thing is definitely something I recommend, or finishing your studies abroad. Doing a study abroad program. ANYTHING THAT GETS YOU OUT OF THE COUNTRY! To see other cultures and to experience things and go places and interact with people and realize important things. Do it. I mean, I did it before, and I want to do it again at some point. Do it now before you’re too old and responsible to spend your money, and before you’ve stopped being reckless and energetic and lost the drive to do crazy things and still don’t really care about what other people think about you, because what they think doesn’t matter, but especially not now, when you’re still young. –I especially recommend studying abroad, because then you are both being productive in a way that other people recognize, i.e. by taking classes (useful for future plans), and you’re in another country. Of course, studying abroad is by no means the answer to all questions, but it is wonderful.

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