I read for two hours.
Some of it was interesting. I didn’t know that there was a different word for the kinds of sounds you made when closing your mouth completely, versus when letting air escape through between your teeth, versus using your vocal chords or not. I also didn’t know that apparently anything that is understandable is “grammatical”. “Grammatical” being an idiotic word that refuses to claim whether a sentence is right or wrong, and merely allows it to be “standard” or “non-standard”.
I CRIED BECAUSE OF GRAMMAR.
Because of Linguistics.
Because of writing about the “niche of a Research Proposal”, and because I’m incapable and pathetic and don’t comprehend or even want to comprehend the stuff in the books I spent 200 dollars on.
Because the English language is killing me, and I’ve only been to each of my classes once.
Was that unclear? Am I being unclear? It’s ungrammatical to be unclear…well, technically, it’s not…but it’s something.
I don’t know.
I don’t know if I even want to do this.
I don’t know if I don’t want to do this because I’m afraid of work, or because I legitimately don’t care about this stuff, or whether I will ever care.
I like words.
I like reading things.
I do not like THE REASON WHY. I don’t really care about the reason why. I don’t want to learn the reason why. I don’t want to teach the reason why. I just want to communicate effectively, and so far, all I’ve learned is that I can communicate less effectively if I want to and still be “grammatical”.
…It’s day three, and I want to quit gradschool.
I don’t know if I simply was smarter before surgery, or if I simply have more of a capacity to hate boring, meaningless, pointless, miserable work, because I see how much suffering there is in life already and I don’t want to add to it, but I want to quit.
No offense, linguists.
Which means…I don’t know what I am.
Maybe I can be a linguist.
Maybe I can keep studying. It’s only day three. You can’t give up on day three, right? Even when you hate your classes and you don’t understand your textbooks or your homework assignments, and the idea of learning all of this stuff is …partially abhorrent?
Even if the only reason you like school is because you’re so ridiculously alone that you enjoy the opportunity to just be a part of something in real life….
I cried. I tried. I want to give up.
There’s nobody to tell me whether or not I can give up.
I’m an adult and I have to decide whether or not I’m going to ruin my life, or save it…and I don’t know which choice does which.
…To you, reader, it might seem strange that I’m putting so much importance on Grad school. Or does it? I don’t know…All I know is that I’ve spent a year at home trying and failing to do anything at all, and this was another try, and sure, I haven’t failed yet, but I already hate it. I don’t want to hate everything I do. It makes life seem so miserable. …And I have to find something to be successful at…and so I have to know whether I have to keep trying this or move on to another completely unknown path.
Sorry for the whine, I just, I’m lost again, and trying to figure it out.