Monthly Archives: July 2014

That illusive thing called “Happiness”.

Well, yesterday I was pretty down because…you know…I was waiting for a call…Wishing a certain someone would talk to me, and wishing my happiness wasn’t so stupidly dependent on how other people treated me.

So I stayed up until 3am drawing cynical cartoons in which the main character locked up her heart in a box and refused to ever love again. It was a cartoon heart, so it wasn’t too graphic.

Anyway, that was yesterday, well, earlier today really, and then at 10:40am my phone was ringing, and I totally expected it to be work calling to cancel more of my hours, or my brother-in-law to make sure someone was home to babysit, and surprisingly, it was neither.

It was that voice that my happiness has so stupidly become dependent upon. That most annoyingly delightful voice that makes whatever sadness of yesterday seem completely pointless.

I was suddenly happy again.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that something absolutely must be wrong with me, because I cannot be so sad when I am not with a certain someone, or when I think a certain someone no longer cares about me, and then be COMPLETELY FINE, once they’ve talked to me again.

I mean, I cannot let one individual influence my life so much. I’ve been letting this happen too much recently. Poem after poem, guy after guy, conversation after conversation, my life keeps revolving around how one person feels about me or talks to me, and I can’t let that happen. It’s not healthy. Right? Right.

So, I need to lock my heart up in a box…or at least live vicariously through my cartoon characters…but they still wind up with hearts anyway.

Being hopelessly hopeful is tough. :/

-cdukulele

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Things I never imagined…

Being an adult.

Oh wait, does that include the rosy imaginings of the future that my cousin and I discussed while swimming in the chlorinated waters of her delightful above-ground pool?

In that case, I suppose I did think about it once or twice, although, it never actually occurred to me that, in the future where my cousin and I had our own apartment and stayed up all hours playing every version of “Harvest Moon” that ever existed, on every system that ever existed, we were grown up. It was more like, we had unlimited freedom and power and money to do whatever we wanted with…and as I sit at my computer, an “adult”, or as much of one as my twelve-year-old self would have considered me to be, I recognize that things didn’t turn out quite how I expected.

Not only have I given up video games, but it appears that I am not rich with unlimited time and power. I have responsibilities. I have to be places and earn money, and I have vast swarms of debt looming over me like…vast swarms of debt.

So I suppose my ideas of what the future would be like didn’t exactly pan out…But there are better things than video games and unlimited free time…I mean, now I know how to make Blueberry muffins.

-Cdukulele

( My first time responding to the daily post… http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/adult-visions/ )

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The Driving Test

I failed the test.

I would have told you about it sooner, but I’ve been distracted, and sick.

I’d tell you the details of my failure, but let’s just attribute that to a lack of quality time spent behind the wheel, and be happy that no vehicles or people were harmed. That’s the important part.

Sure, you may be thinking, “Actually, the important part with the ‘behind the wheel driving test’ is that you actually pass it and get your license.” BUT YOU’RE WRONG!

OKAY? OKAY.

I mean, SURE, that’s the “ULTIMATE GOAL”, but that’s not the important part. The important part is that nobody dies, and I was successful in that part.

SO THERE.

I’m not defensive.
Not at all.

…Anyway, I have a cold, so please pray for me, and also pray that nobody else gets sick.

Thank you,

-Catherine

P.S. I love you and thank you for reading.

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A quick complaint and an analysis of my romantic life…

That sounds so serious…ANYWAY.

Work called me and asked if I could come in two hours early tomorrow, and I fully intended to decline, but when I called them back to tell them that, I somehow wound up saying I’d be there at two…instead of four… because Bosses can be strangely convincing.

Then, I was on the computer, about to research stuff for work tomorrow, to print out lesson plans and work for my various students to study and learn and increase their wisdom and vocab skills, and I suddenly realized that I’d rather be composing a blog post!

And so, here I am…writing, complaining, procrastinating, and itching because the front door is open to cool the house off, and I think bugs are biting me.

Also, I’m getting over John, which is good. Except I’m noticing something about myself that I don’t really like. I think it’s called “I-keep-replacing-one-crush-with-another” syndrome.

On that note, in case you picked up on the connection between me not liking John as much and my mentioning of the “replacement” syndrome, I have a new friend! His name is Mark! Well, it’s not really Mark, but I already used Luke and John, so this name is next. (…I might have a problem)

Anyway, Um…so yeah. I’m getting over John and I have a new guy friend named Mark, and those two things are totally not connected except that Mark is also a musician and
…he is nice. And I have nothing disparaging to say about any other guy I have ever had a crush on. Because they are all very nice people and dear friends, I just tend to get a tad “exaggeratey” when it comes to my emotions, and really no guy has ever done anything to purposely hurt me. Accidentally, incidentally, or as a result of mere thoughtlessness or carelessness, yes, but on purpose, no.

But I suppose you could say that about most people, or I would at least, because like Anne Frank, I believe that people are really good at heart. Or they were good at some point and simply need some help to get back to goodness and avoid messing up.

Well, that’s what’s up with me. Maybe I’ll go to sleep now and plan for work more when I wake up. Or sleep now and merely check to see if anyone read this and commented, when I wake up. I could even do both. The possibilities are endless.

I should sleep.
Goodnight.
Sleep well.
Good luck with your lives.
Avoid intentionally hurting people.
Also, avoid unintentionally hurting people.
Aim for improving lives.
That’s my advice.
You can trust it.
Because I play ukulele.

-Cdukulele

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Driving Test in 5 days.

YEAH. Because my permit expires in 6.

We’ll see how this goes.

The plan is to practice driving tomorrow morning.

I mean, practice MORE, tomorrow morning.

I totally won’t fail that test…probably…hopefully.

We’ll see.

Either way, if I pass it or fail, nobody is going to know about it, because I haven’t told many people outside my family that I don’t have my license yet, and they don’t really need to know, and like…judge me.

It’s odd how much I care about other people’s opinions of me, while at the same time not really caring. I suppose I care about what certain individual persons from the vast ocean of people I consider my “friends” might think, while I don’t generally care about the opinion of the rest of the them…The internet friend thing is strange.

Anyway, have a nice weekend, I’m going to go sleep now and try not to think about whether I really don’t care about people’s opinions of me, or I’m just saying I don’t. Or whether I like my friend Luke, or I just like attention and should stop hanging out with him… or about how he knows I like John…which is something else altogether.

But for now I really just need to focus on the license and being a grown up thing…and ignore all guys…That I like…or might start to like. That’s the first step to being an adult, right? Ignoring your feelings?

 

I need female friends.

-cdukulele

 

 

 

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Just a little note on my life, currently.

I’m torn between kindness and scorn…that’s too strong a word.

It just rhymed, and once I start rhyming, it’s kinda hard to stop.

Okay. Sorry. Stopped.

Anyway, I have two guy friends I’ve been chilling with lately, and I think I need to give it a break.

Because I think too much when I’m around guys, and they are just being normal, and in five minutes I’ve micro analyzed whatever they’ve done to the millionth degree. It’s really rather sad.

I probably need some silent time. Some me time. Some kneeling before God in humble adoration and focusing on his great love and mercy, time.

It sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

So lovely.

Well, I guess I’ll do that. When I get a chance. When a family member offers to drop me off at the Church and I can go sit with Jesus in the chapel. Hopefully that happens soon.

Happy Independence Day.

 

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Coffee, carrots, and chords.

A couple things.

I really do care, and you, on the other hand, clearly do not.

I was there for you, for that moment, and you were there for you too.

You’re cute.

With your pride and your glory and your beauty and your story that I listen to so eagerly, but every time you talk to me it’s so that I can be your sounding board, and so I am, and thank the Lord, that I am here for you, because you are not…there.

I care.

You, you pick up your phone, like you are alone, and you walk right out, no whisper or shout, just gone.

Gone.

I hold on to your song.

I should let go, and you really should know, that I am more than a ear for your voice, but it’s all my choice, and I listen.

I just listen and wish I could glisten in your shine, that some light would be mine, but all is yours and there’s no time for me.

So I should move on, put my voice in my song, and maybe find someone who will listen…and sing along.

Someday.

-cdukulele

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