My oldest sister gave me a hug the other day.
I was standing in the kitchen, my voice wavering during my attempted explanation of my plans for my life and my future, trying to explain why I’m only working part time, and how I’m doing physical therapy, but it’s difficult, and really everything is more difficult when your body hurts, and she was asking questions and trying to be helpful and encourage me to do more. Then my eyes started to get watery, and my cheeks started to burn, and I couldn’t think of any more explanations for why I was failing so badly at my life, and I started crying, and she ran to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me and I cried on her shoulder.
She held me and apologized, and said that I could just keep doing what I was doing, and that I was so strong, and she should have never started asking all those questions, but she was just concerned about me, but she was wrong.
She asked me to forgive her, and I think I did, but I spent most of the time thinking about the teardrops that I was getting on her shoulder and whether my part time job was really enough and whether I was too sensitive for crying about the fact that I don’t have much of an idea of what I’m doing with my life and am just holding on to a wisp of it while I hope it gets easier and that I get a lot stronger. I wondered how bad things were if I cry when people ask me about them.
I still don’t exactly know what I’m doing…but…I guess I’m doing as much as I can without having an emotional breakdown.
I don’t know.
I’ll just…keep praying and keep trying.
The night before the hug, I killed a black widow spider and the experience kind of freaked me out so much that I started repeating what I remembered from the Divine shepherd Psalm in my head. It was just a spider, and I probably shouldn’t have been as terrified as I was, but then I started thinking about how I was so afraid of a spider biting me, when my neck could easily snap, or need to be fused to my skull, or any horrible thing could happen at any moment, and that’s when I decided I needed to say a prayer to calm down. I was thinking of part of it, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me and your rod and staff are the comfort I need to know”, when I picked up my Bible and opened it to a random spot just so I could start reading. It opened exactly to Psalm 23.
…In two days my Bible opened exactly to the passage that I was not only thinking of, but definitely needed to read and know at that moment and always, and my oldest sister hugged me and told me that I was strong, and it was okay that I didn’t have everything figured out.
I needed these things. I’m glad they happened. I hope things like this keep happening.
Because I am weak, and I need God, and I need prayers, and I need love, and strength, and hope, and ten second hugs where the person I’m hugging lets me cry all over their shoulder and doesn’t mind because they’re used to baby spit up, and moments in my life where I am praying and I look down at the Bible in my hands and it is exactly God’s words speaking to me, showing me that he is there and he knows my thoughts and fears but he loves me and is taking care of his daughter.
Except I don’t need the black widow spiders…(Especially the one that I really didn’t want to have to kill, but it was kind of a life or death situation, in my mind at least, and my existence felt severely threatened by its existence. I am quite sorry that it had to die, but it does not get to live in my house, near my light switch, waiting for me to sleep so that it can kill me…)
Anyway, thanks for reading, and feel free to pray for me as my body keeps trying to deal with that neck surgery I had two years back, and my mind keeps trying to deal with the fact that I graduated college and don’t exactly know how I’m going to figure the rest of my life out, or pay for it, and my heart keeps trying to deal with the loneliness and crushes that I keep getting on men that I’m never going to date or marry.
I’ll try to do the same for you.