Monthly Archives: June 2014

Another 21st

I don’t like the smell of alcohol,

I just thought I’d let you know.

It seems so strange,

It seems so sad,

How fast they lose control.

A sip, a slug, a shot, a mug,

Tipsy, tripsy, fall.

I don’t like the smell of alcohol,

No, not really, not at all.

 

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The dizziness returns.

I don’t like it.

I don’t want to walk around and feel like I’m on a boat every two months.

Oh Lord, please don’t let me have vertigo every two months.

Every never, would be preferred.

I’m a bit of a physical mess. (Plus the fiscal mess is still there… Sorry, the first word makes me think of the second.)

Going to Church gets especially painful. Something about sitting in a wooden Church pew for an hour makes my nerves hurt. Sometimes kneeling helps. Sometimes standing helps. Overall I return to the car in pain.

My Mom used to say that I needed to go back to the physical therapist.

I do.

I really do.

But on the other hand, they’ll just give me the exercises that I’ve been neglecting to do, and tell me to do them.

I was doing my exercises. Then my exercise bands broke. I think my room got too hot and made the plastic expand and restrict and then snap…I don’t know.

Sometimes the pain gets to you.

Even if it’s just that little pain.

Just a little pain every day can wear you down.

Even when you do the exercises. There’s always some pain. Always the need to take a couple ibuprofen.

Then you’re swallowing nine pills a day, when you do your pain dose plus your vitamins, and you’re sure there are more vitamins that you should be taking. So really you should be swallowing pills every hour. I’m on a rant. A horrible rant. Ignore my rant.

Friends help me forget the pain. Friends help me feel like I’m just like everyone else. Friends help me be happy.

I spent time with friends last week. John and Luke. You don’t know Luke, he’s a friend of John’s that I met a while back and have been jamming with from time to time.

Friday, Luke and I jammed and then went to John’s concert. John was happy to see us, he even gave me a hug. We spent the evening chatting together and making jokes and being friends. It was cool. I was friends with guys. I am friends with guys.

I’ve ranted.

I’ve ranted and now I must go to Church.

Please pray for me. I need to do exercises and need all my dizziness and pain to go away. Or I need the strength to handle it. Based off the pain I’ve survived, I must be super strong…

Ha..

 

Bye.

– Catherine

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

Sleep deprivation suits me.

I composed a super excited post yesterday about how happy I was that I finally had my laptop working, after it was mysteriously died and refused to function a year back, and about how happy I was that my brother bought me a new charger and got rid of all the viruses, and how life was wonderful now that I could use my laptop, and I clicked the post button and went to view my first post in a year via my wonderful computer, and half the words in the post were blue. Highlighted blue. With hyperlinks. To things. Things that I did not hyperlink my words to.

So, I’m guessing there is still something wrong with my computer. Unless that’s a new wordpress thing, to automatically link your words to shifty advertisements for computer sales when you highlight them? I do not think so.

Anyway, my brother’s going to check it out for me, I hope, and in the meantime I’ll keep posting on the family computer. Where the computer history is saved and my super secret undercover blog can easily be found in half a second. Good thing I don’t ENTIRELY care about whether my family stumbles upon this SUPER SECRET UNDERCOVER blog….

On the plus side, I found out that I can survive on two and a half hours of sleep! I even managed to set up a tea party for my niece and play some ukulele music for her! (She’s a great audience. She lets me know which songs she does or doesn’t like and, if I ask, she’ll tell me why.)

“Why? Why, did I only get two and a half hours of sleep?”, you ask. Why, because I stayed up until two in the morning with my brother playing a zombie shooting island survival game…and then I huddled in my bed slightly terrified and only was able to sleep after distracting myself by watching videos and reading articles from http://chastityproject.com/ for two hours. (Pretty interesting stuff, you should check it out. ;D)

I woke up at 7…and then again at 7:06, (precious six minutes), and then I started babysitting until my father came home and wonderfully took my niece with him on a trip to his SUPER FUN AND EXCITING classroom to organize things!

And so, this brings me to now. I am typing a post, fueled by only two and a half hours of sleep and half a cup of tea. Not to mention the energy derived from the excitement that a small child having a tea party provides. I have so many plans for the rest of the day: exercise, shower, play music, clean up the tea party mess…but I’ll probably end up napping and miss half of that. Hopefully I make it through the shower…

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this overly detailed and sleep deprived account of the last eighteen hours of my life, I know I did! Ha…ha….

I need sleep.

– Cdukulele

 

 

 

 

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Bandages

I don’t like blood.

Especially other people’s blood.

Especially my Mom’s blood on paper towels, when she’s asking me if I think it was more or less than a tablespoon.

Especially when my Mom is describing the color of the blood to the advice nurse.

…My Mom’s fine though. Well, I mean, she’s not worse or anything, the blood was a normal result of her wound from last week. Just a little blood, we just had to bandage it up. Well, I just had to bandage it up.

That was unpleasant.

But this is why you don’t climb ladders by yourself.

Or be related to people who climb ladders by themselves.

To be fair, there was plenty of unpleasantness two years back when I had surgery, but I didn’t go around asking people questions about whether my wound was bleeding, and then loudly describe the blood to the advice nurse, and then need other people to bandage me up because I was brushing my teeth when my wound just started bleeding. I merely broke my neck. Broken necks don’t require bandages and don’t cause visible blood. They’re just broken. Other people can’t see they’re brokenness, you’re just in pain.

That’s what’s nice about broken bones, they don’t inconvenience others with their visibility. Unless they’re horribly broken. (Oh I hope I never get one of those frighteningly horrible bone breaks. Maybe I’ll live in a bubble. That will protect me…)

 

ANYWAY, …pray for my Mom. And me. And my family. And that my brother and Dad get less squeamish, so that they can bandage my Mom up next time, and that my Mom keeps getting better.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

Caregiving

I’ve been busy.

My mom fell off a ladder and dangerously injured herself, and was in the hospital the last few days. My only use of the internet was to solicit prayers on facebook, and look at pictures of kittens and puppies at 2am when  couldn’t sleep because we were waiting to hear back about how her emergency surgery went.

She came back yesterday evening. Today is the first full day she will be home, and I get to take care of her and my niece until anyone else gets home.

For the next 7 hours, I’m the caregiver.

I’m not used to it.

My foot hurts and my body is sore from babysitting the last two days because my niece was here and there was no one but me to watch her.

People have been really helpful these last couple of days. Hopefully today will be fine.

I mean, I’m sure it will be. I’m just tired, and this is all I have for a post.

Just. Stress. Lightly detailed stress.

My niece has just arrived.

Bye.

-cdcrazycool

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Faith

My oldest sister gave me a hug the other day.

I was standing in the kitchen, my voice wavering during my attempted explanation of my plans for my life and my future, trying to explain why I’m only working part time, and how I’m doing physical therapy, but it’s difficult, and really everything is more difficult when your body hurts, and she was asking questions and trying to be helpful and encourage me to do more. Then my eyes started to get watery, and my cheeks started to burn, and I couldn’t think of any more explanations for why I was failing so badly at my life, and I started crying, and she ran to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me and I cried on her shoulder.
She held me and apologized, and said that I could just keep doing what I was doing, and that I was so strong, and she should have never started asking all those questions, but she was just concerned about me, but she was wrong.

She asked me to forgive her, and I think I did, but I spent most of the time thinking about the teardrops that I was getting on her shoulder and whether my part time job was really enough and whether I was too sensitive for crying about the fact that I don’t have much of an idea of what I’m doing with my life and am just holding on to a wisp of it while I hope it gets easier and that I get a lot stronger. I wondered how bad things were if I cry when people ask me about them.

I still don’t exactly know what I’m doing…but…I guess I’m doing as much as I can without having an emotional breakdown.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I’ll just…keep praying and keep trying.

The night before the hug, I killed a black widow spider and the experience kind of freaked me out so much that I started repeating what I remembered from the Divine shepherd Psalm in my head. It was just a spider, and I probably shouldn’t have been as terrified as I was, but then I started thinking about how I was so afraid of a spider biting me, when my neck could easily snap, or need to be fused to my skull, or any horrible thing could happen at any moment, and that’s when I decided I needed to say a prayer to calm down. I was thinking of part of it, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me and your rod and staff are the comfort I need to know”, when I picked up my Bible and opened it to a random spot just so I could start reading. It opened exactly to Psalm 23.

…In two days my Bible opened exactly to the passage that I was not only thinking of, but definitely needed to read and know at that moment and always, and my oldest sister hugged me and told me that I was strong, and it was okay that I didn’t have everything figured out.

I needed these things. I’m glad they happened. I hope things like this keep happening.

Because I am weak, and I need God, and I need prayers, and I need love, and strength, and hope, and ten second hugs where the person I’m hugging lets me cry all over their shoulder and doesn’t mind because they’re used to baby spit up, and moments in my life where I am praying and I look down at the Bible in my hands and it is exactly God’s words speaking to me, showing me that he is there and he knows my thoughts and fears but he loves me and is taking care of his daughter.

Except I don’t need the black widow spiders…(Especially the one that I really didn’t want to have to kill, but it was kind of a life or death situation, in my mind at least, and my existence felt severely threatened by its existence. I am quite sorry that it had to die, but it does not get to live in my house, near my light switch, waiting for me to sleep so that it can kill me…)

Anyway, thanks for reading, and feel free to pray for me as my body keeps trying to deal with that neck surgery I had two years back, and my mind keeps trying to deal with the fact that I graduated college and don’t exactly know how I’m going to figure the rest of my life out, or pay for it, and my heart keeps trying to deal with the loneliness and crushes that I keep getting on men that I’m never going to date or marry.

I’ll try to do the same for you.

Thank you,

               Catherine

 

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