My heart is too fickle.

I still miss John.

(In fact, I’m resisting the urge to send him a message right now that thinly veils that fact while attempting to strike up some sort of innocent conversation.)

Maybe I just miss writing songs with him and laughing at his jokes and our mutual friendship that I killed by a proclamation of love?

I guess that would include missing him.

I started writing songs last August inspired by the stupidity of my heart and various crushes that I wanted to get over in some way.

In ten months I’ve written more than twelve songs. I say more than twelve, because of my endless musical ramblings and song attempts, only twelve decent songs came out that were good enough for the outside world. Twelve that weren’t complete mush and heartbroken unrequited love songs that nobody else would enjoy.

It’s enough for a cd.

John said he would help me record a cd once…

But that was before we stopped talking like friends do.

Now my only consolation is a guy half-way across the world that I’m realizing I have very little in common with, besides our faith in Jesus and appreciation of the English language, and the acquaintance who invited me to jam with him at his friend’s house after I hadn’t seen him for five months. I declined the invitation. It seemed unwise to go to a near complete stranger’s houses in the middle of the night all by myself. Since that declined invitation, the man in question has been politely chatting with me for a few minutes every open mic night. For some reason I haven’t taken the same liking to him that I did to John, or at least I don’t trust him as much. Perhaps it’s because he’s several years older than John and several inches taller. Perhaps it’s because I hung out with John for several hours every week. Actually, no, it’s probably just the fact that I know I could probably take John in a fight. Or at least, severely injure him and escape. This is possibly one of the reasons why John didn’t encourage any more than a friendship between us. I am blessed with the gift of height. John is not. He also weighs probably a good 30 to 40 pounds less than me….and I’m actually rather slender… And so, the moral of the story is not to have guy friends that are physically smaller than you, because if you ever get a crush on them, they will be self-conscious and intimidated by your height and stature and will leave you broken hearted and pining after their stupidity.

The End.

I hope you enjoyed that moral lesson.




Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

2 responses to “Fickle

  1. was john your first love? i’ve only been in love once and it still hurts. and it’s hard for any other guy to measure up to him. i’m sure it will get better! you are an amazing lady who deserves only the best!

    • I feel like “my first love” would be far too strong a term. Not even the first guy that I had a crush on. I don’t know what he is. A friend that I can’t help liking just a bit more than I should. Thank you for the hope though, and for the positivity about my future.

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