Monthly Archives: May 2014

Narcissist.

Narcissist.

I am comforted by the sound of my own voice.
By the words written in my familiar hand.
By pictures of former joy and success and happiness.
Evidence that I’ve done something good.
Hope that I will do something good in the future.
I look at the past and hope it’s good enough.
Looking at the present I quickly forget.
Comparisons. So many comparisons.

Pride.

Is it pride? Being unable to let go, hoping that I’m better. Not even wanting to be better, just not wanting to be lost.

Youngest child syndrome.
Being forgotten at the library once when I was five.
Mental scars?

Not wanting to be noticed, but wanting so much to be seen…to be loved.

Eight children. Two parents. One me.

Loved. Very much loved.

Broken bones, bone disease, muscle spasms, brain surgery, broken neck.
Impossible not to notice, impossible not to love.

Do you see me behind the pain?
Do you see me behind the bone disease?
Because sometimes I don’t know who you are other than worried about me and my problems.
Can’t you see my strengths and love those, and not love them as only illuminated by what I’ve gone through?
Can’t you love the girl who sings and writes and reads and laughs, and not the girl who sings and writes and reads and laughs, despite it all.

It’s a slippery slope. You try so hard to show the one, then in a burst of pain you must despite it all again.

I miss…not having to try so hard to not be the sick one.
I miss…having more to do than think about pain.

I’m comforted by the sound of my own voice.
By poems and journal entries and evidence that there is something good there.
By the hope that there is something other than the pain to notice about me, that there is more.

Because sometimes I can’t see me past the pain.

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Filed under All Poetry, Cdukulele's life.

If I’m posting on here then I’m not NOT being productive…

Right?

Right.

I told myself I was going to come up with some excellent lesson plans for tomorrow. I was going to compile something so brilliantly fun and educational that my tutoring center students wouldn’t be able to help but learn. They would want to learn. They would beg me to do whatever assignment it was, because it would be that amazing.

Yesterday I took it easy. Yesterday I got distracted by a conversation at home, and by the time I was done with my attempt to prove whatever I did or did not prove, I didn’t have the mental energy to go above and beyond the call of duty and prepare anything extra for work. 

Tomorrow would be different. I would to plan. So I sat in my room with a giant bucket of markers and the internet search results for “Fun English Lessons” loading onto my phone. Then I wrote a four page letter to my best friend. I also drew her a stick figure cartoon. (Mr. Stickfigure finds a lottery ticket and becomes a bajillionaire. Then he realizes he is still friendless and lonely, and so he volunteers in various places. Then he loses all his millions in a tragic fire, but now he finally has friends to stand by him, because he volunteered. It was a touching lesson about not being selfish.) 

I tried.

Maybe I can draw some more cartoons and have the kids caption them. That might work…for the one…who refuses to do anything.

Meh.

Goodnight.

Or Goodmorning.

Whatever time it is.

-sleepy

 

 

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Filed under Various writing

Inner thoughts

I think he just told me I should marry him.

I don’t know.

It was all rather confusing.

Now we’re going to be facebook friends, I think.

I hope he’s not a crazy stalker.

I tire of crazy stalkers.

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Filed under Various writing

Fickle

My heart is too fickle.

I still miss John.

(In fact, I’m resisting the urge to send him a message right now that thinly veils that fact while attempting to strike up some sort of innocent conversation.)

Maybe I just miss writing songs with him and laughing at his jokes and our mutual friendship that I killed by a proclamation of love?

I guess that would include missing him.

I started writing songs last August inspired by the stupidity of my heart and various crushes that I wanted to get over in some way.

In ten months I’ve written more than twelve songs. I say more than twelve, because of my endless musical ramblings and song attempts, only twelve decent songs came out that were good enough for the outside world. Twelve that weren’t complete mush and heartbroken unrequited love songs that nobody else would enjoy.

It’s enough for a cd.

John said he would help me record a cd once…

But that was before we stopped talking like friends do.

Now my only consolation is a guy half-way across the world that I’m realizing I have very little in common with, besides our faith in Jesus and appreciation of the English language, and the acquaintance who invited me to jam with him at his friend’s house after I hadn’t seen him for five months. I declined the invitation. It seemed unwise to go to a near complete stranger’s houses in the middle of the night all by myself. Since that declined invitation, the man in question has been politely chatting with me for a few minutes every open mic night. For some reason I haven’t taken the same liking to him that I did to John, or at least I don’t trust him as much. Perhaps it’s because he’s several years older than John and several inches taller. Perhaps it’s because I hung out with John for several hours every week. Actually, no, it’s probably just the fact that I know I could probably take John in a fight. Or at least, severely injure him and escape. This is possibly one of the reasons why John didn’t encourage any more than a friendship between us. I am blessed with the gift of height. John is not. He also weighs probably a good 30 to 40 pounds less than me….and I’m actually rather slender… And so, the moral of the story is not to have guy friends that are physically smaller than you, because if you ever get a crush on them, they will be self-conscious and intimidated by your height and stature and will leave you broken hearted and pining after their stupidity.

The End.

I hope you enjoyed that moral lesson.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life., Various writing

Just 10 thoughts.

1. I should give up dating. Luckily this won’t be an issue because my online dating account expires in a month anyway, and I never meet anyone in real life.

2. It seems that people take my silence in a conversation as a sign that they should continue speaking without allowing me to respond.

3. I’m going to break another heart, all because of my better judgement.

4. I’m a procrastinator.

5. He deserves someone better.

6. I deserve someone better.

7. I’m only allowed to date someone that I meet in person, go on a date with, and actually enthusiastically enjoy spending time with. These are my cousin’s perimeters. I acknowledge their merit, I only regret fact that none of these three things have happened together, so far.

8. I keep biting my lip, it might be from stress or misery, and I recently stabbed the back of my mouth while flossing, thus, my mouth hurts.

9. Why does the phrase “Let’s just be friends” never work out in reality?

10. I now have fifteen minutes to make an hour long English lesson plan for a couple fifth graders.

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's love life.

Good things.

I’m in pain, and it’s enough pain that I’m back to taking two Ibuprofen every four hours to deal with the achy, sore, and generally exhaustedness, and I still feel like I might just go curl up in my bed, but, I’m still happy.

Because there’s so much happy stuff in my life, that I can’t help but be content. So much hope. So much good.

It’s good because…yesterday I had coffee.

I danced with my four year old niece.

I got a slight sunburn from being outside too much.

I raised money for pregnant women and babies.

I got to hug my other four year old niece.

I got to see my godson smile.

I spent time with family.

The guy I’m starting to like actually lets me know that he likes me.

The guy that I like is actually a decent guy.

I wrote a new ukulele song, and know what I’m going to play at open mic night.

My brother wants to help me record my songs at the little production company his friend started.

My sister wants me to sing a song at her wedding reception.

I feel hopeful for the future.

I’m content with the present.

I’m building on the past.

Things are going well, even with the pain.

It’s exhausting, but it’s good.

Have a blessed day.

I am.

 

 

–  Catherine

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.

May 15th…feels like July.

It’s a hundred degrees outside.

Summer weather has begun.

I slept with an ice pack yesterday.

It was so hot I thought that maybe I was catching my sister’s cold, because my throat was so dry and I was so tired.

By 8pm it’s supposed to drop down to 84 degrees.

Oh joy.

I do love this extreme heat and sunshine, I just wish we had a swimming pool…or something more than a one room portable air conditioner.

Dreams for my future include living in a little apartment that has air conditioning.

Also, being able to handle a full time job so that I can afford an apartment with air conditioning.

Money…so annoyingly necessary sometimes.

Later.

Enjoy the heat.

Or cold.

Or whatever the weather is like wherever you are.
-timetogoplayukulele-cdukulele

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Filed under Cdukulele's life.