Maybe I shouldn’t have done that…

I stayed up until 5am reading the old messages between me and that guy I really really had a huge crush on, who I named John (for anonymity).

I mean, I really wouldn’t have done that, except I couldn’t sleep…and my leg started cramping, and I just kept rolling around in my bed and thinking.

So then I went on my phone and just read stuff.

Checked my religious based dating account.

Saw that I had a new message.

Took an interview.

Began to miss John because I feel like I’m not worthy of the guys who like me on that site.

Then I went to the messages…and I read them…for two hours.

It took two hours to read through our entire friendship from the last month and a half.

It made me laugh, and at the end, it made me think that maybe things were okay.

I sounded like half a normal person through our entire communication, even after I told him I liked him, and we seemed like friends.

It was friendly conversation.

Perhaps I stepped over the line by reading the entire history of our conversations together on my phone in one night…But the only ones who know I did that are You and me. …And I won’t do it again….


Bully cat. Sorry, had to go take care of that.

But I guess I should probably go now. Now that I’ve admitted to you all what a creeper I am.

I also totally just sent him a message.


Goodbye my readers. I’ll speak to you again soon. Maybe we can discuss how I don’t think I’m worthy of all the guys on the dating site I’m on because they want to get married and have bundles of children and I don’t know if I can have kids.

At least with John…with “secular” (please don’t be offended by the term, I literally mean people who aren’t religious, is that even an offensive term?) people, with guys…I don’t feel like I’ve failed them automatically by being a girl with a rare disease and crazy bones who is afraid of having kids and doesn’t know whether she can have them. Which is kind of ridiculous. Why would it be better for me to date a guy who’s just after my body than a guy who wants to start a family?

…I don’t even know.

Some people tell me I think too much.

But some things you can’t help but think about.

I don’t like this continuous feeling of failure in respects to all things romance related. Even just friendship related.

I should go on  a retreat.



Okay, bye.

– cdukulele



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Filed under Cdukulele's life., Cdukulele's love life.

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