I’m reaching out like crazy for love, acceptance, something.
I want to be seen, heard, appreciated.
I want someone to be there for me.
There are so many of them. So many people who love me, but not love me in the actually look at what she’s doing and see how she is way. People who glance over me and see me, and care in a general way. “She’s nice”, or “she’s funny”, or “I hope she’s okay”.
I want more than that.
My best friend moved to Los Angeles.
My other best friend lives in New York.
My childhood best friend tried to reconnect with me, but so much time has passed and I’m just awkward.
I miss someone being at my level and talking to me at my level and helping me, at my level.
I’m trying to fill it in with friendships. With awkward acquaintances that tell me I’m pretty and compliment my singing, but leave me empty and lonely.
Because the only one I have to talk to at 10 o’clock at night, when life just seems sad and I feel lonely, is the blank screen.
Blank screen, blank paper. I’ve been journaling since I was in second grade.
My very first memories are of writing my most heartfelt thoughts onto a piece of paper.
Because paper listens.
Just absorbs the words.
Then they’re there, and you’ve finally said it, you’ve finally told someone, and maybe you can be okay now. Maybe.
You still want someone…Wish someone would…read the words.