Monthly Archives: April 2014

Working on Humility

I read my last poem to my cousin and my brother and they busted out laughing.

Apparently I’m obsessed.

Not crazy, nobody said I was crazy, but I clearly devote a lot of time and energy to the one topic of this guy and all things heart related, and I should probably stop.

Probably.

Definitely.

My brother started playing with a plastic toy dinosaur, opening and shutting its mouth in time with my words as I read my poem.

My cousin innocently said that my brother was the only one making fun of me, and my poem wouldn’t have been so humorous if she didn’t know who it was about.

I folded up my printed copy of my poem and returned it to my room, vowing to never read another one to them again, and to never write another poem about any of my crushes that I’ve told them about again.

 

 

Sorry for my sappy poetry. Hope it’s not all hilariously ridiculous.

At least I have a job. There’s one successful thing I’ve got going for me.

-Cdukulele

 

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Poem about Real Love

The internet allows for waaaaaay too much stalking. Too much heart stupidity. I should write some more happy stuff on here.

I’m a nut.
Thinking about what?
You, and your stupid little star striking ability.
Your voice kinda devours me.
Please go marry her.
Go fall and love and be happy.
Then maybe I can fall into my role as best friend, instead of heartbroken lover.

This is why I shouldn’t have friends.
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to have guy friends.
This is why I can’t socialize with people like you.Beautiful people with beautiful voices that I just want to hug.

Is it possible to hug a voice?
Your voice makes me feel like hugging, and jumping through fields of lavendar.

It makes me feel so very angry and so very happy at the same time. So angry happy. So happy, that I’m angry.
I feel like you had more control over this than I did.
Like you knew what you were doing, with your voice, and your words, and your friendship,
Melting my heart.

Mine is an unreasonable response.
Unreasonable, unlogical response, and like a muse, you go on, and I melt, lost and inspired in my pain.
But yours is an unreasonable beauty.
I can’t love it so much, it cannot be so loveable, so desirable, so soul stretching, but it is, losing me in its depth.

The Lord knows. That unfathomable beauty, that unfathomable desire for it. He knows. He sees it. He lives it. He makes it.

The beauty to reflect back to him, the desire to pull towards him.

In my loneliness I look at that which is lovely and I realize it doesn’t fill my emptiness.
I look at that which draws me in and I see that it’s meant to bring me to more, to the source of all love.

I am drawn in by your beauty, but I am drawn past you, past the creation, to the Creator, past the painting and to the painter of real love itself, drawn to him, drawn to Christ, drawn to true Love.

I love you, oh how I love you, and I am going to try to continue to love because of you, because of the light of the Love I see in you, that reflection of the perfection.

I will continue to love you, to try to love you, like a lover of Christ.

Working toward perfection with my life.

I will love, and that will be enough, for me.

———

Now to find an open mic to read that at… – Catherine.

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Two cups of coffee and Mexican food.

I’m happy.

I consumed that stuff.

I also listened to live music.

And met more musicians from my hometown.

I’m expanding my horizons, increasing my number of acquaintances, meeting new people.

It’s nice. It’s going well.

I can do this.

I can be happy.

– cdukulele

 

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Maybe I shouldn’t have done that…

I stayed up until 5am reading the old messages between me and that guy I really really had a huge crush on, who I named John (for anonymity).

I mean, I really wouldn’t have done that, except I couldn’t sleep…and my leg started cramping, and I just kept rolling around in my bed and thinking.

So then I went on my phone and just read stuff.

Checked my religious based dating account.

Saw that I had a new message.

Took an interview.

Began to miss John because I feel like I’m not worthy of the guys who like me on that site.

Then I went to the messages…and I read them…for two hours.

It took two hours to read through our entire friendship from the last month and a half.

It made me laugh, and at the end, it made me think that maybe things were okay.

I sounded like half a normal person through our entire communication, even after I told him I liked him, and we seemed like friends.

It was friendly conversation.

Perhaps I stepped over the line by reading the entire history of our conversations together on my phone in one night…But the only ones who know I did that are You and me. …And I won’t do it again….

EVIL CAT OF DEATH IS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! HISSING AT MY CAT THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR! NOOOOOOO!!!!

Bully cat. Sorry, had to go take care of that.

But I guess I should probably go now. Now that I’ve admitted to you all what a creeper I am.

I also totally just sent him a message.

Gah.

Goodbye my readers. I’ll speak to you again soon. Maybe we can discuss how I don’t think I’m worthy of all the guys on the dating site I’m on because they want to get married and have bundles of children and I don’t know if I can have kids.

At least with John…with “secular” (please don’t be offended by the term, I literally mean people who aren’t religious, is that even an offensive term?) people, with guys…I don’t feel like I’ve failed them automatically by being a girl with a rare disease and crazy bones who is afraid of having kids and doesn’t know whether she can have them. Which is kind of ridiculous. Why would it be better for me to date a guy who’s just after my body than a guy who wants to start a family?

…I don’t even know.

Some people tell me I think too much.

But some things you can’t help but think about.

I don’t like this continuous feeling of failure in respects to all things romance related. Even just friendship related.

I should go on  a retreat.

Something.

Something.

Okay, bye.

– cdukulele

 

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Cafferine, sugarrrr, crazzzy hyperrr dizzy

Cafferine. That’s Catherine hyped up on caffeine. I think I’ll make it my new nick-name.

 

For the past three mornings, I’ve woken up dizzy. As soon as I sit up, the room spins, and I fall back into my bed. Sometimes I just gradually steady myself.

I finally worked up the courage to mention it to my parents. Well, on the first day I mentioned it to my brother, and on the second day I mentioned it to my Dad, and today my mom overheard me talking about something health related and started frantically asking questions.

She calmed down once I explained that the entire room spun whenever I got up from a lying down position. Apparently it’s an inner ear thing, and she’s experienced it, and I’m probably just congested, so I’m not going to die or anything. Probably.

My dad suffers from intense sinus congesting, headache producing, allergies, so when it comes to congestion and inner ear problems and stuff, we have an array of decongestants to choose from.

So my Mom gave me an Alavert.

And yesterday was the official last day of Lent, and today is the feast of the Institution of the Eucharist (Catholic! Woot woot!), so my breakfast this morning was coffee and chocolate cake.

Also I’m a girl and my hormones are especially hormone-y today.

So the result of the combination of all of these things is that I’m very jittery and hyper and kinda slightly woozy, but I feel very energetic, and don’t really feel dizzy, but I kinda feel like I can’t sit down too long and I could totally climb a mountain.

I also can’t focus. And then sometimes I can focus.

Anyway, I feel pretty wonderful, and I don’t know if it’s the coffee or the sugar or the hormones or the allergy pill.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah.

I think I’m gonna go now.

Been sitting still in one place too long.

LALALLALALALLALALALLALALALALLALALLALALALALA

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– Cafferine/cdukulele

 

 

 

 

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A prayer.

I’ve got to try. Be strong and pray. I want to trust. It’s hard though, no matter how much they say

it’ll be generally better

it will be alright

you will get through this.

Lord, Lord. If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies.

Lord, Lord. I love you.

Why are you so silly? Why does everything you do seem to confuse me?

Why am I so confused?

Dear sweet Lord, I am confused.

Help me.

Forgive away, be kind, succeed. Do not lie, do be honest, create, be happy, and do good without greed. Give your best, for it all comes down, to you and the Lord. 

Lord, I love you,

how do I know when I’m heard?

Lord, I need you,

oh help me trust in your Word.

Melt this heart that’s cold with sin,

Heal the heart that’s crumbling from within,

Save this heart that’s wearing thin.

Lord, I need you, I love you, I cannot handle it anymore.

Not alone.

Not being alone.

Not each poem.

Ripping every shred of heart, pieces gone and dead of art.

Lord. You’re there. You’re always there. You’ve been there. There. The

I AM

who is

always

here.

Lord, help me, and hear my prayer.

Amen.

 

 

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Crush Blogs

I want to read more blogs about people with unrequited love crushes on other people, or heck, even requited ones. Please comment and post links to your lovely little crush blog.

Nothing crazy inappropriate though.

Just, daily life of how you get through the fact that the person you feel like you’re freaking in love with, doesn’t notice your existence.

Or they’re you’re best friend.

I need moral support.

Please post.

Or books and poems on the topic.

Songs.

References.

Movies and films.

I need to inhale all things Unrequited love related.

To feel less alone.

Thank you.

-cdukulele

 

P.s. If I’m already following you, post anyway. I want all the blogs in one convenient place, and my grasp of how wordpress works is so poor that I don’t know how to find you people half the time, even when I’m following you. It is sad. Post away! Thanks!

 

 

 

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