This has got to stop happening.
Not St. Patrick’s day, I fully support St. Pat and all the snake driving out of Ireland, God loving, Christianity that he stands for.
I’m talking about waking up three hours after I’ve gone to sleep and being completely restless.
Three hours after the fact, and my heart is still skipping a beat.
The color in my cheeks went back to normal though, so at least I’m pale again in time for the day of the Irish. Fitting.
I told him.
Hyped up on caffeine and hormones and the raw encouragement of blog readers, I told him about the tiny crush.
I think I may have had a small heart attack.
He said it was fine.
He was okay with me having a crush.
I should have stopped there.
But did I stop there?
Nooooo. Of course not.
Caffeine pumped, heart attack having, deranged Catherine went on.
“You wouldn’t happen to have similar feelings for me, would you?”
Firstly, I wish I had phrased it that way. In one short grammatically understandable sentence. It would have been infinitely better than the forty words I tapped into my phone like a crazy person. Secondly, I should have stopped. I shouldn’t have started in the first place. I should have just had some flippin’ patience and been happy with the fact that he didn’t mind I liked him. THAT’S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.
Unfortunately: coffee, miniature heart attack, inability to breathe or reason; and Catherine just puts a guy on the spot. All he can get out is “Uh, I don’t really know…I mean,” before I cut him off and determine to live the rest of my life under a rock.
…it was well past midnight.
He said he had to go to sleep and maybe he would talk to me tomorrow. Said I was over thinking things and to not worry about it. Sent me a smiley face.
I put my heart in a cardboard box for him to look at, and he gives me a smiley face. Like a small child cajoled with a lollipop after getting shots at the doctor’s. Trying to distract me from the total and utter pain of rejection.
Not to mention the over thinking things. Me? Over think things? Whenever would I have done that? Like I’m the kind of person who focuses on every little detail of her life and then threshes it out in thousand word blog posts in the middle of the night, ha!
My heart is feeling a little more normal now. It’s been an hour and a half since I first woke up. I went to sleep with the determination to act like a normal person and fall out of crushness. I woke up and was forced to spend an hour alone in my head thinking about it. The last song we sang together was still turning in my mind.
I’ll try at least. To be normal.
As best as I can.
It’s the least I can do.
Especially after he said I could like him and then I obsessively tried to find out if he liked me.
I may regret that for a while.
But, as I told myself when I first woke up from my adrenaline destroyed dreams, “If you never take risks you never get hurt, and you never live.”
Ships are safe in the harbor, but they’re meant to sail.
When you stare too long into the abyss, it stares back.
Two plus two is five.
I just got quoting there.
It was safer than thinking.
– me, from just before 5 to just before 6 in the morning. Yay.