Running circles around me.

I told you I got a job.

As of yesterday, I have officially resigned.

I made this decision Tuesday night, when I started sobbing in my bed. Something about pain and fear of breaking my neck again. Combined with everyone telling me that if I was in pain, I could quit. I didn’t want to quit, but I didn’t want to be in pain either, and I didn’t want anything horrible to happen as a result of that pain…like sprained neck muscles again…or a broken neck. The broken neck probably wasn’t very likely, but when your neck surprises you by breaking once for no reason, you don’t want to give it a reason.

All I was doing was sitting in a desk and filing bills…for four hours a day. But apparently I can’t sit for four hours a day without neck support…in an office chair…at a desk.

Which I already knew…but I was hoping.

So, realizing my defeat, I sobbed into my pillow until I could fall asleep, and Wednesday morning I told my boss.

He was very understanding. I worked for him over the summer, and I wound up spraining my neck and wearing a neck support (Yes…just from sitting in a desk for more than an hour a day, I’m special like that.), he knows that this was a trial run and I may have had to stop.

I had to stop.

Now I’m back to being unemployed. Pretty much. I have to finish the week…because there are only six hours left and I felt guilty. Guilt over-rode the pain. I can make it through two days. I just can’t do it for another week. Or month. Or season.

My sister proposed to me the idea of seeing a psychologist. I told her I was crying about work and pain and stuff, and she began explaining how sometimes in surgeries, the doctors accidentally mess up the part of the brain controlling emotions, and a person can completely change after the surgery. I think she was trying to be helpful. My mom later reminded me that my surgery did not involve touching my actual brain, just cutting away some neck and skull bone. My sister is studying to be a psychologist…and all my life she has called me sensitive and recently told me that her motto in life is “I don’t care”, referring to not caring about anything that happens to her…I think. I don’t talk to this sister much, but she’s the one who got me the job and who I told I was quitting before I did it, because she was at work and I was at work.

That’s my life.
I now have fifteen minutes to dry my hair and rush off to three hours of pain.








1 Comment

Filed under Cdukulele's life., Various writing

One response to “Running circles around me.

  1. Pingback: YOU MAKE ME HAPPY. | cdukulele

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