(I composed this post at 4am on Sunday morning January the 13…since then certain things have happened, but I’m sharing this first.)
I went to a bar. I’ve decided that I pretty much lose all credibility now for the rest of my story, but just to clarify, the first half hour at the bar I had one and a half drinks. Then I stopped because my eyes started feeling dizzy. This story starts after I decided not to drink for the rest of the night.
Progression of the night:
Guy at table next to ours glances at me. I incidentally make eye contact and mildly appreciate the fact that someone stared, not factoring in any possible results. Guy proceeds to start chatting with my table of five family members and my cousin’s boyfriend. Guy casually carries on a conversation, pretty much sitting at our table, and then makes an excuse to get a chair and move to my side of the table. Guy sits so that I must lean against the outdoor picnic table to avoid the continuous knee contact. Guy proceeds to basically talk solely to me, and keeps finding ways to throw high fives into our conversation.
The following phrases are used with varying frequency “So you’re a model right?”, “Wow, can I see your hands?…They’re beautiful.”, “I live in Hawaii. You’d like it there.”, “I have a nice apartment, you’d like it.”, “Yeah, I have a steady job, and a house, and a car…”, “(Insert description of anything he has or places he has been) you’d like it”. “You don’t play any sports? Really? But how do you get a figure like yours without playing sports?”
Meanwhile I’m just talking. Shivering. Trying to act normal. Talking to another human being who keeps hitting on me. Then my lovely sister and cousin decide to step in, and are suddenly giving him permission to date me, and telling him everything about me. She plays ukulele. She has a really nice voice. She’s Catholic. Are you religious? She’s waiting until she’s married to have sex. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
…So what I’ve determined is that Bars are evil. Also, alcohol is evil. And my sister and cousin are… overly invested in my romantic life. According to them I want to have a “Bajillion babies”.
Anyway, now this guy has my number, and he’s probably never going to call me, and then if he does I’m going to have to talk to him.
That won’t be awkward.
Also, my, very silent at the time, brother chooses four hours after the fact to tell me that the guy is probably a loser.
Which I should already know. But I don’t. Because on the one hand, my designated driver brother whose opinion I trust on most things is telling me something, and on the other hand my sister who just took her fourth shot and is chugging on beer says something else.
I’m smashing my phone with a hammer.
And never going to open mic night again.
Because I told him that’s where I go on Thursdays.
I hate when I mess up my life by listening to the stupid voice in my head that says “HE LIKES YOU, HE LIKES YOU! IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, GUY LIKES YOU AND YOU LIKE ATTENTION!”
Oh wait, that voice wasn’t in my head, it came from my cousin and sister.