Sifting through the internet and I found you again…

It always starts with a man.

This man in particular, is handsome, attracted to me, and recently found out my last name (internet dating in times of quarantine my friends). As a result he looked me up on the internet and found out an exorbitant amount of information about me. I’m mostly fine with this, as I don’t have much to hide, and honestly I was the one who told him he would find music of mine if he searched for me on the wide web.

He searched, he found, he fell for me just a little bit more. All is fine.

Until, of course, I get a notification that someone new has viewed one of my secret facebook pages. A secret page about having at one point broken my neck, that links to yet another page and a secret blog that goes into more details about my health history.

And so began the last 2 hours of me trying to track down and eliminate all traces of my past that I would prefer a handsome stranger to discover coming from my mouth, rather than read about online.

In those two hours I rediscovered this site…with its numerous followers reading about my life and the drama of a twenty-something year old.

Updates for you all, I’m just a bit more mature than I was in those days, quite a bit more well adjusted, and have been spending more time with people in person rather than talking about people… up until of course, the quarantine.

However, you can judge whether or not I’m really more mature and well-adjusted if I just spent the last two hours trying to erase all history of myself on the internet…

Maybe?

I don’t know.

Hope your quarantine is going well…I have another email account to discover and remember the password to, and one more secret site that is a bit too unsecret and more revealing of my life than I’d prefer, to take care of.

Until next time,

-Cdukulele

 

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The life of a part-timer…

I was successful in small time education last year, I now have a Master’s degree, and I have entered into the world of applying for and accepting all teaching jobs that come my way.

As a result of my desperation to take every opportunity that I can, I now have three part time jobs and am part of 5 different e-mail chains, two of which were started from women at two different schools whose names differ in just one letter hidden in the middle, like the difference between “Katharyn” and “Kathryn”. I’ve already responded to one email with the wrong name, and have had to double check the rest of the emails to confirm that I’m communicating with the person I think I’m communicating with.

I am blessed.

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Learned recently…

Breaking bones:

The result of too much physical activity or an unexpected impact that causes the need for an amount of isolation and protection of the injured area. Often isolating this area results in isolating oneself because outside world activities can aggravate injuries.

Depression:

It feeds on closing one’s self off from the rest of the world, sitting in your room, and doing none of your usual activities. The more alone you are, the more you dwell on the pain. The more you stay in bed and do nothing, the more you think of how much nothing is in your life.

The conflict:

While attempting not to injure/further injure oneself physically one may end up injuring themselves emotionally.

The solution: TBD…

Current status: Not physically broken and probably not depressed, grateful for both of these things, and only slightly concerned about the next time something breaks.

End post.

 

 

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August 2017

I’m getting old. This is bad. Pretty soon all my dreams of playing ukulele and sleeping in will be crushed….

 

I’m going to be a legit instructor for an English course.

The prospect of this terrifies me.

What also terrifies me is the fact that I made awkward small talk with my neighbor four times today and now he probably thinks I’m a crazy cat lady stalker….which I totally am not (except the crazy cat lady part, I can’t negate that).

Anyway, the prospect, which is actually a certainty and not a prospect, is the reason I’m still up at this crazy hour of the day. I started attempting to lesson plan, got overwhelmed, and explored the internet.

That was also depressing.

So it’s two am and I’m still up.

I really hope that this coming semester is less terrifying than I think it will be.

Teaching 25-30 American college students English can’t be too horrible, right? …RIGHT?

 

I also hope that the outline of the future as told by the internet is less terrifying than they all think it will be. Those people are bleak.

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Drama free = …

This year has been the most drama free since this blog started.

Instead of focusing on romance, I’ve been focusing on my career and future.

It’s depressing.

But it’s also smart and mature and far better for me than probably sitting around analyzing my interactions with males and writing poems and songs about it.

I just have to figure out a way to channel all my extra creative and obsessive energy into something not focused on romance.

Because life is not all about your romantic relationships and how they have or haven’t completely failed.

It’s tough loving people by choosing to not be in their lives anymore.

Happy almost summer, see you next time I start cleaning my room and find my laptop and get distracted.

-cdukulele

 

 

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Fighting colds and exes.

My life feels like it’s in shambles…but that’s probably because I’m fighting a cold, and not because it’s reality.

My ex is trying to get back into my life and he’s made some fairly convincing arguments. Arguments that I’ve batted away with reminders of all the ways he failed me when we were together.

I’m like venom and he doesn’t care.

He just keeps taking the bites.

I’m rather miserable over it all. I’ve had a cold for just about the same amount of time I’ve had him back in my life.

 

And I’m afraid of being alone, and he makes me laugh, and I can be a¬†horrible person to him and he still wants me in his life.

It’s not healthy.

I’m not healthy.

I’m sick in the short term and the long term.

A bundle of bones that I’ve been trying to protect by ordering copious amounts of supportive dress shoes online for.

I try them on, realize they don’t fit/don’t fit and aren’t something I could ever conceivably wear to a work or dress function anyway, and return them.

Then I pity myself.

 

Things are a million times better than when I spent Christmas in a neckbrace, but why do I feel so much worse?

How does my ex-love keep hurting me.

Why do I want him back in my life?

I need a cup of tea and to have my Christmas shopping finished.

I need Christ in my heart pulverizing my loneliness and empty desires for the people who crush my soul.

I want good people in my life who support me and love me and help me continue on a path to righteousness…and I don’t know what my ex is.

It hurts. I know it hurts.

It hurts so much that somehow I’m left questioning all that I am, a woman, a college student, a daughter – an unemployed bunch of failings.

I’ve rejected concert offers, because I haven’t written anything new in months and because I don’t want to handle the stress anymore.

I’m cutting out music to focus on…drawing it into my life as a future teacher.

Because I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I need sleep. I need some preparation for Christmas. Christ’s coming to my heart.

 

Aye.

 

God bless you all, fight on!

-I got a cold.

 

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Soon it will be…Christmas break!

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS~!!!!!! Or it’s almost Christmas break, and that’s close enough, because by then I won’t have to write any more papers or plan any more lessons and instead I can just stave off my loneliness by reading 6 hours every night.

It’s a brilliant plan.
A beautiful plan.
A fantastic plan.

Anyway, in the mean time it’s school, the gym, and me trying to restart the old friendships that I kinda might’ve abandoned once I started dating because I felt awkward about having guy friends and a boyfriend.

I know, I have problems.

BUT NOW, I’m single and don’t have to worry about falling in love with my guy friends.

YUP.

Yep yep yep.

Okay…anything else of note to say? …nope.

LATER!

 

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